


Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)

by bobbiejelly



Series: MerAdd My Heart <3 [6]
Category: Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice
Genre: Addison’s Diary, Alternate Universe - Grey's Anatomy Fusion, Angst, Based on Grey’s Anatomy, Bisexual, Bisexual Addison Montgomery, Diary, F/F, Falling In Love, Grey's Anatomy References, Grey’s Anatomy Spoilers, I Watched Too Much Grey's Anatomy, In Love, Inspired by Grey’s Anatomy, Journal, Journalling, Lesbian, Lesbian pining, MerAdd, One-Shot, One-sided pining, Phone-Fic, Pining, Sad Addison Montgomery, Sadness, Seattle Grace Hospital, Short & Sweet, Short One Shot, True Love, accidentally in love, meddison, self-care, self-soothing, so in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:53:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 60,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly
Summary: You’re ‘in love’ again.-Addison MontgomeryAs written to herself in her personal diary.
Relationships: Addison Montgomery & Callie Torres, Addison Montgomery & Derek Shepherd, Addison Montgomery & Mark Sloan, Addison Montgomery/Derek Shepherd, Addison Montgomery/Mark Sloan, Meredith Grey & Addison Montgomery, Meredith Grey & Mark Sloan, Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery, Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd
Series: MerAdd My Heart <3 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687834
Comments: 176
Kudos: 33





	1. Second Person

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kristin_Aubrie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kristin_Aubrie/gifts), [EmyLilas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmyLilas/gifts), [LordofLezzies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordofLezzies/gifts), [lineeelin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lineeelin/gifts), [addiesbaby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/addiesbaby/gifts), [aymr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aymr/gifts), [lespians](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lespians/gifts), [AddisonAddek](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AddisonAddek/gifts), [LarisUSB](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LarisUSB/gifts), [lydialyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydialyn/gifts), [seattlerain879](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seattlerain879/gifts), [lightningmaystrike](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightningmaystrike/gifts), [bg3929](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bg3929/gifts), [souvenierscar](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=souvenierscar), [MissLuthorsHizzie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissLuthorsHizzie/gifts), [tisziny](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tisziny/gifts), [Arissen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arissen/gifts), [SBWomenofMarvel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SBWomenofMarvel/gifts), [ChrissyBrown1127](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChrissyBrown1127/gifts), [Dragoncatcher123](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragoncatcher123/gifts), [Hotgitay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hotgitay/gifts), [Arahneia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arahneia/gifts), [Zele](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zele/gifts), [Hime_no_Kowai_Shumi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hime_no_Kowai_Shumi/gifts), [WhatwouldagentScullydo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatwouldagentScullydo/gifts), [KarasCupOfTea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KarasCupOfTea/gifts), [pclauink](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pclauink/gifts), [tornyourdress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tornyourdress/gifts), [earpsdimples](https://archiveofourown.org/users/earpsdimples/gifts), [leonhart_17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/leonhart_17/gifts), [ThatWinchesterGirl67](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWinchesterGirl67/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Letters to A.M.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18365300) by [aymr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aymr/pseuds/aymr). 
  * Inspired by [I Read Your Diary - MerAdd Oneshots](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/622606) by LezBeDaisy. 
  * Inspired by [Falling Apart, Barely Breathing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480) by [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly). 
  * Inspired by [Soothe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) by [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly). 
  * Inspired by [Cinnamon](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24201019) by [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly). 
  * Inspired by [Not One To Pry](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/637546) by indubitably-epic. 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (You realize, at 39, you’re maybe, probably, definitely, way too old for all this...)  
> -Addison Montgomery.  
> As written to herself in her personal diary.

  
  


* * *

** Second Person **

* * *

  
  
  
You’re ‘in love’ again. Meredith Grey is the second person you’ve ever truly fallen in love with. And you’re sure you’re the second to last person Mer would ever fall in love with, back. The other one being your own ex-dirty mister, Mark Sloan, of course. Because that would just be way too cliché to be healthy. But it doesn’t matter. Because she’s still with your ex-husband, Derek Shepherd, anyway. (You realize, at 39, you’re maybe, probably, definitely, way too old for all this...). _But you just can’t seem to ever stop..._

-Addison Montgomery

As written to herself in her personal diary.

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***** **END OF CHAPTER ONE**

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_Author’s Note:_

Are phone-fics a genre? Because I wrote this on a phone waiting for takeout. Probably a one-shot. But if you inundate this with comments maybe it could be more?

Written in the second person... As per the title. Probably actually not that clever.

Let me know how you feel about it, folks. Much love to you all! Ps. New chapters of “[Soothe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)” are up if you want to check that out.

_bobbiejelly_

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly) _


	2. Second Person, Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meredith Grey asked you today if...
> 
> -Addison Montgomery
> 
> Written in her personal diary. After the last diary entry of course. At least you got that part in the right order.

* * *

** Second Person, Two **

* * *

Meredith Grey asked you today if you’ve ever been in love. And you said yes because you have. And then she asks you ‘how many times’.And you say “two” because it’s actually true. And then she doesn’t ask you anything else, she just nods. And you’re really, really, really glad she didn’t ask who the two people were or are. Because one of them is her and one of them isn’t. See, one of them is Meredith and one of them is probably Mark or maybe Derek. Meredith probably figures the two people are Mark AND Derek. 

(That would be the logical conclusion to come to; you married one and fucked the other before he even came home that day.)

But you only really, truly, loved _one of them_ , after all. And you’re not even sure which it was anymore. And even worse, you’re not sure you care anymore because Meredith Grey is asking you about love and you just want to drown yourself in even the simplest conversations with her to escape all the world and also everything else. You don’t want to die of course. You just want to be less in love with the woman who stole your ex-husband, with whom you’re not sure you were truly ever in love with, but with whom you’re not sure you weren’t, either, for that matter.

And each of those loves or not-loves is less than the love you feel for this blonde little intern who roams the halls with your ex-Derek and laughs like it’s sunshine, even though all it does in Seattle is rain. You’re pretty sure you’re making that up now, to be poetic or something stupid. But for all your university degrees, you can’t get it together at your age to figure that out.

-Addison Montgomery

Written in her personal diary. After the last diary entry of course. At least you got that part in the right order.

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***** **END OF CHAPTER TWO**

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_Author's Note:_

Ok, so I caved. So I wrote another one (on my phone, no less). _'So a lot of things'._..

Thanks for the support, LordOfLezzies, Hotgitay on Ao3 for commenting on this one.

And myfairlilymunster on Wattpad along with JordynMarie05, unicornbaby78 and danielaperezsurga who interacted with the first one.

Who knows if I'm gonna make this one 'a thing'. Maybe. Idk. I'm learning minimalism, I guess.

Yes, there is an amazing more sexy version of "Addison Montgomery's Diary" written by LezBeDaizy on Wattpad as a part of the MerAdd Oneshots. 

It's now added to the inspired works so go check it out there.

Have a good one and like I said, maybe check out [Soothe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

See you round in the comments,

_bobbiejelly_

####  [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	3. Second Person, Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek Shepherd caught you staring at Meredith Grey today.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> Written in her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Three **

* * *

Derek Shepherd caught you staring at Meredith Grey today. You were staring at her in the elevator, out of the corner of your eye, or so you thought. But apparently, you weren’t actually thinking because when Meredith got off the elevator, Derek stopped the elevator and asked why you were staring.

And you didn’t answer because you didn’t know and you didn’t think he would want to know the bitter truth. So he just told you to stop hating her for replacing you and you said that you would because you’ve long since stopped hating her anyway. Because you sort of love her but you’re not going to tell him that or tell her either for that matter.

You’re really glad that Mark Sloan didn’t catch you staring at Meredith because he wouldn’t have told you to stop hating her and just walked away. He would have read your mind and said dirty things about lesbians because he’s Mark and you know he knows you better than Derek ever did. And maybe that’s why you screwed him back then.

-Addison Montgomery

Written in her personal diary. Which is really expensive of course. Because it’s Addison’s.

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***** **END OF CHAPTER THREE**

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_Author's Note;_

Okay, so I have a soft spot for this one.

It's probably gonna be more of a thing.

Probably. Let me know.

_bobbiejelly_

Dedications: (THANKS TO!)

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting twice today, plus LordOfLezzies and Hotgitay who commented yesterday.

AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 37 hits so far.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review and 57 people for the views.

Wattpad:

myfairlilymunster for the comments and 23 reads and 6 stars.

Ps. A New chapter of “[A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)” is up if you want to check that out.

_bobbiejelly_

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	4. Second Person, Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You didn’t get caught staring at Meredith Grey this time.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Four **

* * *

You didn’t get caught staring at Meredith Grey this time. You were alone in the gallery and she was operating with Miranda Bailey and Richard Webber. She was suturing a heart back together and you felt with each stitch she was actually suturing yours.

You’re not sure why she helps you. Maybe it’s because she seems to understand. Just by loving and hating Derek, also, she just understands you, somehow. She hasn’t met Mark Sloan (yet?). You’re not sure what to do If she ever does. Part of you wants to introduce them because at least they’ll have one thing in common.

That is, that they’ve both been the backseats of other people’s marriages and they probably deserved more than that at least at some point. But you also never want her to meet Mark because she might fall in love with him. And then Meredith would have both of your boys, but not you. Never you.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. With an old black pen. Because the black ink doesn’t smudge so much when the tears fall right onto the page.

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***** **END OF CHAPTER FOUR**

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_Author's Note:_

Thank you to those who are following along like this is an amazing scavenger hunt and we're trying to find the prize at the end, and we are; or at least, Addison, is.

Ao3:

Much thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting twice today, plus LordOfLezzies and Hotgitay who commented yesterday.

AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 42 hits so far.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review and 67 people for the views.

Wattpad:

myfairlilymunster for the comments and 31 reads and 7 stars.

Also to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Thanks.

Ps. A New chapter of “[A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)” is up if you want to check that out.

_bobbiejelly_

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	5. Second Person, Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You made her laugh today. You made Meredith Grey laugh. Today.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In Addison’s personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Five **

* * *

You made her laugh today. You made Meredith Grey laugh. Today.

You weren’t even trying to be funny. You just said to her “karma rocks, right?”. You’re not sure why that was funny. Maybe it was because Derek stubbed his toe on a rock. You shouldn’t have laughed at that. Actually SHE shouldn’t have been laughing at that. You shouldn’t have laughed, or have been laughing, at all, at his own expense. With her. Together. Laughing.

But you did. You laughed at Derek. And she laughed at Derek. You both did. It’s the first time you did that together. Laugh. At him. Or otherwise, at all, anyway.

You want it to happen again. But you hate yourself for that because you shouldn’t be praying that Derek stubs his toe on more rocks just so you can say something that’s not even a pun so you can see her eyes crinkle up at the sides. But you want it to happen again.

Maybe it’s because you’re drunk right now, and you're just remembering this all after, it happened today.

Probably.

Hopefully.

_ But probably not. _

-Addison Montgomery

In Addison’s personal diary. This time with wine stains on the pages. From all of the alcohol you probably shouldn't be gulping down so fast, but you do, anyway.

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***** **END OF CHAPTER FIVE**

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_Author's Note:_

Thank you to those who are following along like this is an amazing scavenger hunt and we're trying to find the prize at the end, and we are; or at least, Addison, is.

Ao3:

Much thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented yesterday.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 47 hits so far.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review and 73 people for the views.

Wattpad:

myfairlilymunster for the comments and 36 reads and 8 stars.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, probably some other who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending [Soothe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) if you want to check that out because hint-hint I might be updating it soon.

_bobbiejelly_

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	6. Second Person, Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were probably Gay before Grey.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

_ Author's Note: _

The rating has changed to M here.

For more explicit content.

Just so you know.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

** Second Person, Six **

* * *

You were probably Gay before Grey.

Probably.

Mostly, at least, or at least the fact that you didn’t care so much that Derek stopped sleeping with you halfway into your marriage, should have probably tipped you off about that little fact. 

The only reason Mark Sloan got you all hot and wanting that time at the Brownstone was that he was telling you about how he likes Lesbian porn and he was describing it in vivid detail so you had sex with him.

And it felt good because you weren’t thinking about him. Or of Derek. Or of your stupid prom date 'Skippy Gold'. Or of men in general. You were thinking about the girls' Mark was describing and how they had been doing it with each other on camera.

You wonder what Meredith Grey would look like while having lesbian sex. But you don’t want to watch a video of her with another woman. Because you’d probably throw your TV out the window in protest.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. While she’s looking up lesbian stuff on the internet. And then she stops because none of it is as good as her thoughts about her real-live girl crush.

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****** **END OF CHAPTER SIX**

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_Other Author's Note:_

Thank you to those who are following along like this is an amazing scavenger hunt and we're trying to find the prize at the end, and we are; or at least, Addison, is.

Ao3:

Much MORE thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented yesterday.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 48 hits so far.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review and 73 people for the views.

Wattpad:

myfairlilymunster for the comments and 40 reads and 10 stars.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [Soothe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because hint-hint I might be updating it soon.

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	7. Second Person, Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She almost died today.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In Addison’s personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Seven **

* * *

She almost died today.

Meredith Grey, you mean.

She almost actually really fucking died.

She had her hand in a man’s abdomen and she held onto a bomb. And you got a code black page and you tried to be calm. And you snapped, unfairly, at George O’Malley, today, because you think you know, somehow, that he’s in love with her too.

You don’t say you’re sorry to him for this, because you’re not that you yelled. But you say thank you after he helped you deliver Miranda Bailey’s baby safety into the world. And not just for Bailey; you really are fond of George even though you really do also hate him.

You hate him because he reminds you of you. You’re both just the pathetic hopeless love puppies who will never ever be loved back by Meredith Grey. _(H_ _e’s just a boy, and I’m just a girl... can I make it anymore obvious)_. 

She’d pick him over you. To screw. You know it, for real, somehow.

And it makes you hate George.

Even though you love him for saving Bailey and her baby. But not in the way you (both) love Meredith. Not in the same way, at all. Ever.

-Addison Montgomery

In Addison’s personal diary. Though, to be quite honest, this one is barely legible because Addison’s hands were shaking so much from the explosion when she tried to write this at night.

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****** **END OF CHAPTER SEVEN**

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_Other Author's Note:_

The amount of live-blogging this is getting is blowing my mind.

Reading comments, replying to comments, posting a new chapter so soon...

It's such a rush.

And also yes I did quote "Skaterboy" by Avril Lavigne.

I'm leaving it ambiguous as to whether or not 'Addison' wrote this on purpose.

She might have; she's old enough to remember it.

But she might have just thought of those bitter words on her own, fitting them for her gay-panic and self-deprecation, apparently.

Ao3:

Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented yesterday.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 48 hits so far.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review and 84 people for the views.

Wattpad:

myfairlilymunster for the comments and 40 reads and 26 stars.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [Soothe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because hint-hint I might be updating it soon.

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	8. Second Person, Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Meredith Grey meets Mark Sloan for the first time, you almost punch him out, yourself, for just talking to her.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

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** Second Person, Eight **

* * *

When Meredith Grey meets Mark Sloan for the first time, you almost punch him out, yourself, for just talking to her.

Except all you get out is an “oh, my, God,” before he’s on the ground bleeding because Derek Shepherd landed his fist in Mark’s face and you don’t give half a damn because he probably deserved it, you think.

Except he sort-of didn’t, also. Well, he did from Derek, but not from you, at least, not entirely. Because he’s still keeping your lesbian secret, and he’s still your friend, and he’s still all that you have left from the end of your relationship with your still not quite ex-husband.

And so Meredith is holding a mirror for him and smiling and all her friends are fawning over “McSteamy”. And you sort of like that (the friends staring thing, not the Meredith smiling at HIM, thing), because at least, they’re not staring at HER (like you are). Even George O’Malley is staring at YOU now and calling him “the guy that Addison slept with”.

And somehow the fact he’s calling you a whore and not to your face, makes you hate him less because at least he’s not staring at Grey, now. You want to ask Mark later how it felt to be so damn close sitting with Meredith.

But you won’t. Because he’ll know that you like her. Love her. Whatever. Not gonna happen, anyway.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. And this time in pencil, because the pen is broken and she's too annoyed to get up to get a new one so fast.

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****** **END OF CHAPTER EIGHT**

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_Other Author's Note:_

Hearing about the parts that make you laugh or smile or cry makes my day.

Ao3:

Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented yesterday.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 49 hits so far.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review and 85 people for the views.

Wattpad:

myfairlilymunster for the comments and 68 reads and 27 stars.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [Soothe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because hint-hint I might be updating it soon.

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	9. Second Person, Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re avoiding Mark Sloan like the plague because you know he’ll know the moment he sees you and her.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Nine **

* * *

You’re avoiding Mark Sloan like the plague because you know he’ll know the moment he sees you and her.

You know you’re far from subtle, and you know this has worked in his favor before. You’re avoiding HIM so hard you run smack into HER.

She’s calmer than you. Of course, she is. She has every reason to be, other than the fact you almost knocked her over a stairwell.

But Meredith Grey is still calm, and she tells you it’s not your fault when it probably is.

You say thank you because you don’t know what else you can say. And when she says “you’re welcome” you want to say more.

So you say “sorry about the bomb” because what you really wanna say is ‘I’m so fucking glad YOU didn’t DIE, then.’

But you can’t say that because she’ll know you like her because no one says shit like that to her still-husband-in-name’s current girlfriend for no damn reason.

So all she says is “you didn’t put it there. Or if you did, then I’m glad that you suck at building bombs to go off.”

And the way that she smirks at you after she says her sarcastic comment makes you weak at the knees.

And you actually reach for the railing because you think you might fall even though nothing happened except Meredith smirking.

But she thinks it’s her fault because she’s collided with you so she holds you up. She actually touches you. She supports you.

And you think YOU might DIE, just from how nice it feels to feel the weight of yourself taken off for a second, and leaned on her too-scrawny bony shoulders that you can’t stop, but admire.

Meredith holds you up now. She holds you up, just like she’s been metaphorically holding you up, since you arrived from New York, in Seattle. She holds you up, while she’s simultaneously breaking you down, also- (but not on purpose, of course, for either of those two things...). Because you know you shouldn’t want this so much, and that she’ll never want this so much, to be more.

You shouldn’t want her this much.

But you do, you still do.

And she doesn’t know.

And she won’t ever know.

Because eventually she lets go of you, after all, and you’re alone in the stairwell.

And she goes to find Derek Shepherd, her boyfriend, and you keep dodging Mark.

And you wish that she’d never left you, then, or at all, ever. But then again, she probably wishes you’d never left HIM, then, or at all, ever. 

Be that Mark or even Derek as the ‘him’ in that last one. You don't know, and you might never know. Because again, you’re not even sure which was worse of the two.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. Which is hidden over the tall bookshelf now. Because if Mark comes into this room, he might find it on you, if it were elsewhere.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER NINE**

* * *

_Other Author's Note:_

The only reason I'm able to publish this one so fast is from all your encouragement, seriously! I love all of it. I hang on every word.

Talk with you soon in the comments!

Hope you liked the MerAdd interaction.

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented yesterday.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 51 hits so far.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review and 86 people for the views.

Wattpad:

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments and 79 reads and 31 stars.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [Soothe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because hint-hint I might be updating it soon.

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	10. Second Person, Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Mark Sloan eventually finds you, you’re reading old entries in your diary and you’re not aware he’s there.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

_ Content Warning: _

This Chapter is rated E, I've upped the ratings on this one for this.

This Chapter is emotionally and physically explicit.

And I don't want to spoiler it, but I will, for your sake.

(Don't read the next line if you want a surprise, just read on past it.)

Content warning: Straight-People Sex. Sort of. Umm. Just read it if you want to understand.

Content warning: Mild self-harm. More the idea of it, really. But you are warned all the same.

Thought that this one needed this specific note though, in case it's something that upsets you.

This Chapter is in honor of LordOfLezzies and AddisonAddek who both implicitly provided ideas for this one.

_ bobbiejelly _

* * *

** Second Person, Ten **

* * *

When Mark Sloan eventually finds you, you’re reading old entries in your diary and you’re not aware he’s there.

You have your reading glasses on and you’re still squinting at your penmanship because you’re eyesight’s so fucked up at almost forty.

He’s giving you that shit-eating grin now- like he’s read the dirty from your eyes. You realize it’s from your eyes and not the pages because he says that when you finally see him.

He asks who you are writing for, and you say that it’s not his business.

But then he asks if it’s for him, and you say no, and then you wish you’d said ‘yes’ because at least then he’d lay off you.

But you didn’t and you didn’t say who it was for. But he can tell that it’s a woman- because he’s seen you, like this, before.

He’s seen you when you’re horny, and the last time you were in front of him was with all of his lesbian dirty talks.

And he’s giving you the same look he gave you the last time. And he’s giving you the same speech he gave you the last time. And it worked on you then- and it worked on you, this time, again.

He said you could picture whoever you wanted. He said you could talk about anyone. He said you could call out another name and he wouldn’t care, or ask, or judge you.

And then you eventually just give in and let him kiss you because you just want to feel some love. Even if it’s not the love you want, you crave it all the same.

So you let him keep going until he goes to take his pants off. And then you tell him not to. And he understands and he doesn’t take them off at all.

And then he runs his hands down your waist and you let him into your scrubs. And you let him under your panties. 

And you pretend that it’s not him, that it’s not a man who has their hand down your pants. 

You pretend it’s her- 

You pretend it's Meredith Grey, instead, who's fingering at your insides.

And he pretends it's _you_.

Except a 'you' that wants him back.

A 'you' that isn’t gay.

So, not really 'you', at all.

You know you’re using him; he’s using you, too, and maybe almost just as much. But you’re using him, much more than he’s using you. Your hand is not in his pants, after all.

And he knows you'll never, ever, want to do this for him. And he doesn't care at all. Or at least he never says so, so he can have you like this at all.

And it hurts you both probably more than it helps you at all. But you just keep going anyway.

And when it’s over, and his hands are wet from you, and your pants are coming up again...

He stares at you and you stare over his goddamn shoulder. And you remember how Derek looked over your shoulder at Meredith in the elevator.

And it’s the same damn thing entirely. And you can’t blame it all on Derek. Because if you had the chance to be banging Meredith Grey you would have, too. Even if you had ten husbands. Or Wives. Or whatever’s.

Mark doesn’t talk to you for a while, after that.

After you let him take you with his fingers.

Not for a long time.

He knows you don’t want to be reminded it was him, so he just walks away. And you don’t try to stop him.

He never ends up reading over your shoulder, or at least you don’t think he did. Or not successfully enough to see her name.

So you pick out another pen and find your diary again. Because at least you can talk there and not feel so alone. Or rather, feel so alone, just writing until you make your damn hand ache. 

And you know you shouldn't, but a fucked-up part of you probably wants it ache a little- so you can feel it hurt more than your achey-break-y heart.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. Wherever the fuck she is now. Probably her office. But maybe not. It’s really unclear all the same.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER TEN**

* * *

_Other Author's Note:_

Okay, so this one was really heavy.

I guess I like pain- or writing Addison's emotional pain, at least. 

And sometimes things get much worse before they ever get any better.

In a comment, LordOfLezzies said: "Just so many stories I have to get back to writing because Mark and Addison checking out women together or researching lesbians haha I just see Addison with her reading glasses perched on the end of her nose and Mark standing over her shoulder like "Oooooh what are we looking at?" ;)"

This was based on that prompt.

And the Mark/Addison act that followed... 

In _Actus Reus “The Guilty Act”_ by AddisonAddek there's a line "You kiss her and taste him and makes her forget." and this is a variation on that. One that's mutual and deliberate. And very, very sad.

Let me know your feedback on this one. 

This one is very angsty and hurt-comfort-y/or self-destrution-y, or at least not very fluffy.

But it's very fun to write. And to read all the comments coming in.

Don't give up on me now, it'll probably get better. Maybe? Who knows, yet.

And I added in a song reference. Of course.

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented yesterday.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 52 hits so far. 42 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review and 88 people for the views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments and 93 reads, 11 comments, and 35 stars.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [Soothe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because hint-hint I might be updating it soon.

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	11. Second Person, Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re not sure how you ended up like this. Hands coated in blood. Screaming at the top of your lungs. Meredith Grey right beside you. You’re not screaming at her, though. She just happens to be there.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Eleven **

* * *

You’re not sure how you ended up like this. Hands coated in blood. Screaming at the top of your lungs. Meredith Grey right beside you. You’re not screaming at her, though. She just happens to be there.

It was supposed to be a routine operation. The woman needed cancer treatment. So you operated. 

You had Grey as your resident and you tried not to make it too weird for either of you.

And then everything started failing and the patient kept crashing and then the patient was dying.

And there’s was nothing you or anyone else could do about it. So you just stood there. She just stood there.

She was not the only resident; there were also her friends Izzie and Cristina and Alex.

Actually all of them were there, even George.

You think it was because Richard wanted them to watch you shine in the surgery, but that plan backfired because she died on the table.

You try not to cry in front of your student, so you wash your hands in the scrub room and get the blood off yourself.

It’s late in the evening, and everyone else is already gone home now, except for the interns and of course, Richard Webber.

You’d love to have Bailey to talk to, but she’s already left. And so has Mark Sloan. And you don’t want to talk to Derek at all.

So you just stand there with the blood, and you hear the interns chattering, and you hear they’re going out to dinner and you’re jealous that they are friends with each other.

One of them invites you along, but you say no, because you know they’re just asking you because they’re there and they don’t want to spend a night at dinner with their boss, much less one they call ‘Satan’.

And of course, you can’t spend an evening anywhere near Meredith and her friends without ogling her, and you don’t need five of Bailey’s interns knowing who you have a crush on. Damn interns.

So you go to your office instead and pull out your damn diary. Because it’s all you have, now. And you try to wipe the memory of Meredith’s grief for the patient well out of your mind.

Because you almost picked her up into your arms. You wanted to. But it’s good that you didn’t.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. As she gets a little bit of the dead patient’s leftover blood on it, from where it caught on her sleeves.

* * *

*

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*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER ELEVEN**

* * *

_Other Author's Note:_

Okay, so this one is heavy for another reason.

Yep, I still like to flesh out Addison's inner turmoil

And I added in a song reference at the end of the last Chapter if you missed that you might have read it right after it was posted and therefore missed it, so I encourage you to go back and read it if you're reading this on May 20, 2020 not to miss out on it. Only if you want to, of course.

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented yesterday.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 54 hits so far. 46 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 126 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments and 119 reads, 12 comments, and 38 stars.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [**Soothe**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because there's a new chapter 15 of that posted just now!!!

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	12. Second Person, Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You see her by the stairwell again, this time you don’t run her over, you just stop next to her. Meredith Grey is bawling her eyes out, and you think you might just know why. The bastard. How the hell did you marry him once, anyway?  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Twelve **

* * *

You see her by the stairwell again, this time you don’t run her over, you just stop next to her. Meredith Grey is bawling her eyes out, and you think you might just know why. The bastard. How the hell did you marry him once, anyway?

As it turns out, she tells you that her dog is probably dying, and that Derek Shepherd wants to have him put down, and that she’s not sure she can cope with the loss.

“What’s your dog’s name?” You ask lamely.

“Doc.” Meredith answer bluntly.

“As in...?” You answer, trying to think of an ending that is not ‘Doctor’.

“We really just call him McDog,” Meredith tries to explain to you.

“Right,” you try to show compassion without being overbearing.

“We being Derek and I and my intern friends. Because he lives at our house. Or he did until he didn’t have enough space. So now he lives at the trailer on Derek’s land. And I never got to be around for most of the end of his life,” Meredith cries out, in tears.

You’re surprised she hasn’t already practically moved in with Derek, but then again, it is really far from the hospital.

“I’m sorry,” you say because you’re supposed to say that.

“He has CANCER,” Meredith articulates. “He has BONE CANCER,” she adds. “My McDoc named Doc has THE SAME CANCER AS THE PATIENT WHO DIED THE OTHER DAY!”

And now you see that Meredith is really, really crying hard.

And all you want to do is console her. But you don’t want to take advantage of her vulnerability and touch her more than she wants to be touched.

But then she leans into you. And her head is on your shoulder. And she’s crying.

And you just sit there in the stairwell for a while- as you both avoid Derek- because you know he hates taking the stairs. He’s probably in the damn elevator, anyway.

You sort of wish that you got to have a shared dog with Meredith. That would be really nice. But you don’t. Doc is not your doc, he’s only Derek and Meredith’s. And the interns’.

And you wish Meredith was there when you cried so you could lean on her shoulder. But you decide that this is enough for you now. That the brief comfort you can offer her, in the form of a shoulder will keep you going for days on end, as you tread through the world where normally she doesn’t need you for anything beyond a simple “hello” other than being just another student at work.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. This time there’s a doodle of a dog on the page. It sort-of does look like Doc, actually.

* * *

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****** **END OF CHAPTER TWELVE**

* * *

_Other Author's Note:_

In this universe, Addison does not share their McDog because she was sort of out of the love triangle by then. 

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented yesterday.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 59 hits so far. 46 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 164 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments and 126 reads, 12 comments, and 40 stars.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [**Soothe**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because there's a new chapter 15 of that posted just now!!!

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	13. Second Person, Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’ve got a new friend around here. Her name is Callie Torres and she is an ortho resident. She’s new and she’s nice and extremely funny. And she saw you crying and she volunteered even to climb over a wall to join you.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Thirteen **

* * *

You’ve got a new friend around here. Her name is Callie Torres and she is an orthopedics resident. She’s new and she’s nice and extremely funny. And she saw you crying and she volunteered even to climb over a wall to join you.

You ask Callie about Meredith Grey’s dog’s bone cancer because she knows ortho. She says Doc probably will not survive, and that she has to go tell her that soon.

You say you’re sorry. She says she is too. 

She doesn’t ask why you care about Meredith Grey’s dog, because she tells you she always feels like an outsider to their little friend group.

You explain the five of them have been together as Bailey’s residents since day one so that might never change, but that you need a friend, too so you two can be there for each other if she wants to, of course. And Callie says sure you can be there for each other. And just like that, you're friends.

Callie asks for the ‘lay of the land’, like who is single and not, because she is. You tell her that Mark Sloan is single, and so is George O’Malley, and you’re not sure about Cristina Yang or Izzie Stevens because they seem to have something potentially going on with Preston Burke and Alex Karev, respectively.

She looks at you like she’s shocked you mentioned women, and you tell her you just wanted to be inclusive and that you weren’t judging either way.

Callie doesn’t ask more questions about that, because she doesn’t seem to know what to say. You get the vibe that she’s also in the closet like you are, but either way you don’t ask her, and she doesn’t ask you if you are ‘like that’, either.

So you just have lunch together, because there’s nothing more to do or say. Eventually you tell her that Mark Sloan is decent at sex, and she says she’ll keep it in mind, while also she’ll investigate more into George.

She doesn’t ask how you know about Mark Sloan’s sex skills, and you’re not sure if this is a good thing or not. It means she might not know you were/are married and cheated. But it also means you’ll have to explain that at some point later on.

You hope Callie will still be your friend once she leans you’re a slut.

Actually you’re more worried she will still be your friend once she finds out you’re gay.

Either way, you have lunch and it’s nice and she has to tell Meredith Grey that her dog is probably definitely going to die, which Mer already knows, but you can imagine it will still hurt.

You want to ask Callie to come with her while she breaks the news to Meredith, in case Grey needs a shoulder again. But you don’t. Because she would probably rather lean on Callie, than you again, you figure.

And so Callie leaves then, and idly, you think to yourself, that if you weren’t so smitten with the young and blonde intern, and if Callie is really bi like you hypothesize that she is, then the two of you, at least in theory, might have maybe made a decent couple. You theorize that if you weren't so in love with Meredith Grey already, then maybe you could have made a go at it all.

You're not sure if that's better or worse than just being alone, but it doesn't matter, because Callie isn't openly gay anyway. And neither are you, either, for that matter.

-Addison Montgomery 

In her personal diary. With a purple pen this time, borrowed from the new friend Callie Torres. It’s a really nice color.

* * *

*

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*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

* * *

_Other Author's Note:_

Well, here we go again :).

Addison has a friend, finally.

And glad you liked the last McDoc chapter.

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 78 hits so far. 50 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 226 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments and 153 reads, 12 comments, and 54 stars.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [**Soothe**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because there's a new chapter 15 of that posted now!!!

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	14. Second Person, Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You ask Mark Sloan to the hospital prom because Callie Torres wants to ask George O’Malley, and of course, Meredith Grey is going with her boyfriend Derek Shepherd. (Not that you'd stand a chance with Grey, anyway...)  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Fourteen **

* * *

You ask Mark Sloan to the hospital prom because Callie Torres wants to ask George O’Malley, and of course, Meredith Grey is going with her boyfriend Derek Shepherd. (Not that you'd stand a chance with Grey, anyway...)

Mark knows what he’s signing up for, that you’re just going to dance at him while looking over his shoulder at someone else. But he still wants to go and he doesn’t want to be without a date, so he says yes.

He didn’t know by then that you like Meredith Grey still, and how that panned out was a different kind of miracle. But he found out soon enough when he talked about her (Meredith), with you.

He said he met her at the bar while she was waiting for Derek, and they struck up a conversation on how they had both been ‘dirty mistresses’ in the past, but this time, it seems that that side scored one point because Meredith got to be with Derek after all.

The way your hands clench when he says this gives it all away. He knows you don’t want Derek back so that just leaves Meredith. You ask him if it’s the stupidest thing in the world to fall for your ex-husband’s girl.

He says to you ‘no’ because he once fell for his best friend’s wife who is a closeted lesbian. You ask if that’s all in the past tense. He says that it is. You think that he’s lying about that last part, but he never says more.

You ask him to wear something nice, maybe with a real tie. He asks what you will wear and you say you don’t know, and he makes a joke about you being ‘butch’.

You decide that it’s nice to have Mark and Callie as friends. You don’t tell Mark that you told Callie he was good at sex because he will be even more arrogant and you selfishly don’t want to lose them to each other.

Bedsides, Callie says that she loves George anyway.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. This time with Mark’s pen, because you gave Callie her purple one back. Mark’s pen is blue. Like his eyes. And also Derek’s eyes. And most importantly, Meredith Grey’s most beautiful baby blue eyes...

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Mark now knows Addison's crush.

Interesting...

Can't wait to hear all your feeeeeeelings.

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 79 hits so far. 52 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 239 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments. 

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 171 reads, 12 comments, and 58 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [**Soothe**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because there's a new chapter 15 of that posted now!!!

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	15. Second Person, Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This hospital prom is SO much worse than your first one. Your first one in High School was just Skippy Gold talking to you about Star Wars all night. This one was hell on earth.

* * *

** Second Person, Fifteen **

* * *

This hospital prom is SO much worse than your first one. Your first one in High School was just Skippy Gold talking to you about Star Wars all night. This one was hell on earth.

This one involved Mark Sloan talking about YOU all night, which should have felt good but you’re gay and he’s not and it makes you a little uncomfortable. 

You’re staring at Meredith Grey, in her beautiful dress and that necklace and how her body flows along with her perfectly curled hair. Derek watches her coming down the stairwell, and so do you at the same time.

It’s comical how both Doctor Shepherd’s seems to have the same taste in women. You wish you weren’t still ‘Doctor Shepherd’ anymore but the lawyers aren’t coming until next week with the divorce finalizing.

So you just keep staring at Meredith while Mark tries to play with your hair and dance with you. And eventually you bat his hand away and go take a break because you can’t stand the way that Mark is looking at you.

You run off to a hallway, and eventually you see Derek Shepherd and Meredith run away together into an empty exam room, for a quickie, you guess. You cry into your hands as you can hear just muffled groans.

You really lose it when she finally comes and you hear her screaming his name into oblivion. You’re bawling even harder than you ever have ever before. You’d have stayed there forever if Callie Torres hadn’t walked through another door and noticed you crying.

She doesn’t ask why you’re crying, she just puts her arm around you. Callie tells you that George didn’t say ‘I love you’ back when she had said it to him, so she went to prom without asking him and he got mad that she showed up as ‘single’.

And so you both sit there sadly and decide at least your lives are not as sucky as Preston Burke who got shot, Cristina Yang who is taking care of Burke, and Izzie Stevens who’s patient-crush is now probably dying and Alex Karev who is taking care of Izzie.

And then Callie asks you if you know anything about the blonde cardio doctor Erica Hahn who came over from Seattle Presbyterian to do surgery while Burke recovers. You say you don’t and you don’t ask why she cares so much.

And you two sit in silence until Meredith Grey emerges from the exam room, and Derek Shepherd emerges a very precisely timed five minutes later. And then Meredith goes back muttering that she’s lost her black panties and then she leaves the room again muttering ‘they were in his pocket the whole time and not on the damn bulletin board’.

And both of you are quiet so neither of them sees you or hear you from so far down in the hallway. And Callie watches you staring and she says “I’m sorry it must suck for you, with your ex-husband to be moving on so soon”. 

So you guess she found out about all that, and you nod quietly because you won’t tell her the truth, that you're not mad because you want him back, but because you do want his girlfriend/ex-dirty mistress. And then Callie says, as your friend and not Derek’s, that she doesn’t judge you for cheating with Mark. And you say thank you for that. And then you know that she knows that part of your story, but you're incredibly glad that apparently, that one adultery part of your super whore of life isn't keeping her from being your friend.

So, you sit there with Callie's arm wrapped around your shoulder as she goes on to talk about George and Erica again, and you’re not sure which one of those people she’s into, but either way, at least she’s not asking you about your love pathetic life.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. As she takes off her makeup from prom, so there’s a bit of blush and lipstick on the edge of the cover.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Ah, this is one I've been wanting to weave for a while now.

So it's sad and weirdly mildly voyeuristic (though I mean, they are in an exam room so if people walk by I mean that's their fault...).

Plus early premature Calica. LOL.

Hope you liked this one,

Cheers.

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 81 hits so far. 56 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 246 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments. 

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 178 reads, 12 comments, and 59 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [**Soothe**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because there's a new chapter 15 of that posted now!!!

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	16. Second Person, Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She asks you why you’ve been kissing him. Seriously, she actually asks you this, now. Meredith Grey asks you why you’ve been kissing on Mark Sloan. And you don’t know whether she means the kiss with him just then, or the one just before the prom, or the one back at the Brownstone when you cheated with him on Derek Shepherd.
> 
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

Content Warning:

Sort of vague mentions of Suicide.

Not actual Suicide, nor actual Suicidal Ideation.

But it's there, so you can proceed at your own risk.

* * *

** Second Person, Sixteen **

* * *

She asks you why you’ve been kissing him. Seriously, she actually asks you this, now. Meredith Grey asks you why you’ve been kissing on Mark Sloan. And you don’t know whether she means the kiss with him just then, or the one just before the prom, or the one back at the Brownstone when you cheated with him on Derek Shepherd.

You suppose it was all officially adultery. You’re only getting a divorce later today, so technically you cheated on Derek with Mark three times. With the same man who used to be Derek's very best friend, no less.

But either way, she’s asking you this. And you shrug because you have no idea what the hell to even tell her.

So you tell her the truth, mostly.

You tell her ‘ _you kiss him, and taste someone else, makes him forget_ ’.

And somehow she understands this, or at least she pretends to.

She just gives you a nod and a sigh and she probably assumes you loved him once and you loved Derek once and that you’re probably kissing Mark and thinking of Derek.

She gives you a guilty sort of look- as if to say something like 'Im sorry I stole him from you if you still picture him while you kiss your boy-toy'.

Obviously, you never fill Meredith in on the actual details.

You’re glad she doesn’t ask you more, about the Mark or the kissing or the touching.

Meredith just sits there, and she seems to try to empathize with you and it makes you fall in love with her, even more.

You’re not in the stairwell this time.

This time you’re outside your office because she came by to tell you that the lawyers would be here soon because Derek sent her to and she saw you kissing on Mark.

Mark had you weak again because you broke down and told him what you heard at the prom. 

And Mark said he was sorry he was looking at you like that because you looked nice in that outfit and that it wasn’t a ‘butch’ sort of thing after all.

And so you let him kiss you again because you’ve resigned that that’s the only kind of kissing you’ll get in your lifetime.

And it makes him forget you don’t love him back. And it makes him forget that you’re gay. And it makes him forget he’s a dirty-mister again.

Because for now, at that moment, he had you right where he wanted to. And, to be fair, you had him right where you wanted him, too.

And now you’re thinking about all that while you’re talking to Meredith and she’s looking at the ring on your finger and she asks if you’ll keep it.

You ask her if she wants it, and you don’t know why you just said that to her, but you did.

And Meredith gives you a look of surprise and of intrigue and something else that you don’t understand.

And then she asks you if you want to throw it over a ferry boat into the ocean.

And you say that you do sometimes.

And then Meredith says she sometimes _almost_ wants to throw herself into the ocean. But that she’ll never actually go through with it. It’s just something she sometimes thinks about in the bathtub.

And that makes your heartbreak for her, that she has your McDreamy and she has your McLife and she has your Derek Shepherd but she still isn’t always bright and shiny and happy.

And then she looks at the ring on your finger again and you take it off and offer it to her, pressing it into her palm.

And then she nods at you as if she can’t believe this is happening (you can’t believe this is happening?). 

Meredith Grey lets you slide it onto her left hand on her ring finger, so she can pretend to be married to your own husband/ex-husband, already; your _mutual_ Derek Shepherd. (For the next 24 hours, or less, so it seems...)

And then she runs off to tell Derek you’ll be down soon and to show him her/your ring with a skip in her step. You watch her run away and you imagine her running towards you rather than her running far, far, far away from you.

You shut your office door and cry some more because all you can think of is how much you savored that moment as if you were sliding that ring onto her finger for _real_.

Not that you'd want to give her Derek's ring if you ever got to actually marry her or something romantic like that.

You'd buy her a real one, from a Tiffany store or something nice like that. You actually have much better taste than Derek does, you still care to think.

And you want to go tell this to Meredith, but you know that you can't.

So you just sit in your office, reliving the moment her hands were on yours for the fifteenth, sixteenth time in a row.

_ You touch her, and she thinks of him, it makes you forget. _

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. While she contemplated the fact that she gave Meredith Grey her most expensive piece of jewelry right before her divorce. Just so you see her smile again.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Again, the quotes ‘ _you kiss him, taste someone else, and it makes him forget_ ’ and _You touch her, she thinks of him, and it makes you forget._ were TOTALLY adaptations of AddisonAddek's arc words in "[Actus Reus “The Guilty Act”](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20162569)

And this chapter might be a bit 'out there' but so was Addison listening to Derek fucking Meredith during the prom, so we're probably over it anyhow.

Hope you liked this 'fluff' but also extreme angst and the half hurt-comfort, half self-destruction that seems to be a recurring pattern here.

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 92 hits so far. 70 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 281 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 193 reads, 16 comments, and 68 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [**Soothe**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because there's a new Chapter 15 of that posted now!!!

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	17. Second Person, Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re upset after your official divorce but not for the reason everyone seems to think. You’re upset because you’re so glad that it’s finally over, and that you can move on with your life and you feel like a slut for all that.
> 
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Seventeen **

* * *

You’re upset after your official divorce but not for the reason everyone seems to think. You’re upset because you’re so glad that it’s finally over, and that you can move on with your life and you feel like a slut for all that.

You’re happy your name is only ‘Montgomery’ again and it makes you stupidly happy to know it’s your ring on Meredith Grey’s left-hand finger. Even if it’s probably for him and not you.

When Mark Sloan sees the familiar ring off your hand and on hers, he gives you a comforting sigh, and he can tell that you don’t want to talk about it.

When Callie sees the ring off your hand, she gives you a comforting sigh. But she talks to you anyway because she doesn’t know that the new ring on Meredith Grey’s finger is the same one that isn’t still slid onto yours.

Callie asks you about the first time you ever ‘did it’, as she shares her story about this with you. You tell her you were seventeen in the back of your jet-black Mercedes.

You don’t tell her it was actually with a transgender man called ‘Francis’, who had a vagina but was still really a dude because he identifies himself in that way. 

And that’s why you picked him, for that, even though you probably shouldn’t have, but he actually asked you out first.

And he seemed up for the thrill and you were so up for finally ‘losing it’ but without the penis part, you let him take you in your car under the stars.

He moved away so that’s how you ended up at your high school prom with fellow band geek member, Skippy Gold.

So that’s the really important part of the story but you let Callie talk to you about the pros and cons of her ‘doing it’ in her thunderbird with George O’Malley.

And you sigh because you wish you were getting laid.

And Callie asks you if you are still doing Mark. And you say ‘yes and no’ because you’re actually not super sure.

Callie just shrugs back to you and offers you half of a bar of chocolate. And you think that Callie Torres might be the best friend you might ever have in this world.

You’re both relieved at this, because Richard is going through issues, and Bailey has her own husband and baby, and Izzie, Cristina, and Alex each have their own lives that don’t generally involve you two in any depth.

You never talk about Meredith Grey with her. And she never asks you about her because she knows you don’t want to answer her about that.

Callie probably thinks that’s because you hate her and not because you actually love her.

But it doesn’t matter, because as you let the chocolate melt on your tongue, you let yours and Callie's friendship grow stronger, hoping that if you bond with her enough, when, if, you eventually do come out to her, that she won’t just let you go.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. With a bit of chocolate on the fingerprints. From the Kinder bar that you shared with Callie Torres that day.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

So, to be clear I am 100% pro-transgender rights and for their freedom of expression and existence and sexuality and romance or aromantic if that's what it be. I don't want to have transgender characters as only a 'token plot device' though that sort of happened here, and I sincerely apologize for that, I just wanted it to fit in the plot and it worked?

I am do not identify as a transgender person, and therefore I will never speak on behalf of that community. If you do identify as transgender and would like to tell me I'm wrong, please, I welcome you to do so with open arms.

Hope you enjoyed more of Callie and Addison's friendship, a lot of people mentioned really liking that part.

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 95 hits so far. 70 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 284 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 198 reads, 16 comments, and 69 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [**Soothe**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because there's a new Chapter 15 of that posted now!!!

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	18. Second Person, Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meredith Grey asks you for chocolate because she sees the remnants on your fingers. You say you’ll get her some, because of course you really want to, and you head out with her. You don’t ask why Derek Shepherd isn’t fulfilling her cravings for certain sweets. You don’t want to burst the bubble that maybe she wants to spend this time with you and not him. You are a woman after all. So she knows that you understand all these things.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Eighteen **

* * *

  
  


Meredith Grey asks you for chocolate because she sees the remnants on your fingers. You say you’ll get her some, because of course you really want to, and you head out with her. You don’t ask why Derek Shepherd isn’t fulfilling her cravings for certain sweets. You don’t want to burst the bubble that maybe she wants to spend this time with you and not him. You are a woman after all. So she knows that you understand all these things.

Meredith picks out a whole box of Fererros, and the scathing look in her eye tells you she’s only just barely not saying out loud to you ‘I’m on my period so you better just let me buy these and eat the whole box to myself in two minutes’.

So you let her put the box on the drug store counter and you offer your card. Meredith lets you pay for it, and you’re not sure if it’s because she’s poor because she’s an intern or because you’re waving your hand at her, but she lets you and she says “thank you” after.

You buy yourself a box because you could really use it now, too. And you’re sitting in your new jet-black Mercedes (the second or third or maybe fourth one you’ve owned, and not the one you once lost your virginity in, thank goodness for that). She doesn’t try to pay for you and you would never let her, anyway.

Meredith is ripping the package open like there’s no tomorrow and you smile when you still see ‘your’ ring on her finger. And you help her because your nails are longer than hers. And when you finally open it, she unwraps the first of the little chocolates and lifts them to her lips.

And then you look away because you can’t watch her like this without growing hot. And you can hear the melting nuts and chocolate in her mouth and you shove one of the chocolates into your own face just to give yourself something else to do.

Meredith offers you half her box because she somehow knows you’ll do the same for her with yours. You don’t talk. Not about him. Not about you. Not about her. You just eat in silence, because she looks like she’s starving for sugar and I guess, so are you.

She’s the one that finally asks you “that time of the month, eh?” And you let a little bit of a smile pull at the edge of your lips as you agree with her. And she hums contentedly with your answer as she devours at least four more of the things. And then you offer her some water because you imagine she’s probably all covered in the chocolate cream.

Meredith nods at you, and takes a drink, and offers you the bottle back. And you’re hyper-aware of the chocolate on the edge of the glass part where Meredith’s lips had just been as they touch your own. You close your eyes so she can’t read anything in them. You take a sip. You offer the water back to her.

You stay like this until one of you gets paged. You drive yourselves back to the hospital as she stuffs the wrappers into the garbage bag and tidies up behind you. She asks you not to tell Doctor Shepherd. She seems to know you won’t. And she seems to know you’ll like it if she calls him that, but never you again.

And you almost want to ‘kidnap her’ for just a little longer. But there’s a patient with a ruptured spleen and you know he needs a Doctor. So you let her get out first because Bailey is already yelling for her. And you park your car and sigh at the empty wrappers. You don’t keep them because that would be unsanitary.

But you keep the receipt as the bookmark for your diary. Dated from the one day you took Meredith out for chocolate. And because she ask you not to, you never, ever told Mark or Derek where you were with her. It’s another moment where she shared a secret with you. And you want it to last forever.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. This time with a bit of hazelnut stuck to the receipt that’s being placed in between the next two pages.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

So a few of you asked for more MerAdd. Here it is!

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 97 hits so far. 72 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 309 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 206 reads, 16 comments, and 72 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [**Soothe**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because there's a new Chapter 15 of that posted now!!!

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	19. Second Person, Nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She asks you for chocolate again. This time it’s two weeks after the first time, so she can’t plausibly be on her period still, but you go along with it anyway, because you want to hang out with her more and again. Hang out with Meredith Grey. Jumpin' Jesus.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Nineteen **

* * *

She asks you for chocolate again. This time it’s two weeks after the first time, so she can’t plausibly be on her period still, but you go along with it anyway, because you want to hang out with her more and again. Hang out with Meredith Grey. _Jumpin'_ _Jesus._

This time it’s chocolate pudding because she seems to really like it. You _do_ ask her why she doesn’t just get it from the cafeteria but she says that they’ve already run out of it. You choose to believe her for this one, because otherwise, what even is her excuse?

This time she pays for you, and you didn't even notice she did until she already has. Meredith says she doesn’t want to owe you any money. And you get that. So you let her buy you both some pudding and a box of plastic spoons. And you eat them in your car as she tells you about how she scrubbed in on a surgery with Richard Webber and you say that you’re proud of her because you really are.

And just like that, you are sort of friends. She once again asks you for chocolate and you know by now, that’s her code word for “get me the hell out of Seattle Grace Hospital”. 

And it works for you. And it works for Meredith. And it’s enough for you, for now, anyway. 

Because it’s your own little secret away from Mark and also Derek.

You don’t tell Callie about it. She doesn’t tell Cristina. Or Izzie or George or Alex for that matter. You don’t tell Burke or Richard or Bailey either.

It’s just the two of you, eating chocolate usually from the drug store nearby. In your new black Mercedes. And it’s the moments like that, with just her, that you live for.

Usually, Meredith ends up having something pressing to talk about with you, after you’ve finished whatever variant of chocolate she’s requested. 

Sometimes it’s about her mother. Sometimes it’s about her father(s?).

Sometimes it’s about anything and everything else.

But it’s never about Derek.

And you never talk about Mark.

Somehow, you both know that the subject of love is off-limits for the chocolate escapes in your car.

It keeps you living and breathing, waiting for the moment she will come up to summon you.

You know by the fourth or fifth time just by the look in her eye even before she speaks up about it.

When a patient dies you buy her hot chocolate as a “juju”. 

Meredith smirks at you underneath Derek’s shoulder to let you know, that she knows, and you know that it means more.

This is the first time she’s been the one to past his shoulder at you. It's underneath Derek's shoulder because she's so much shorter than him. And that just makes it more painfully her and adorable.

You’ve never been the same ever since then.

Because now, you can’t stop but wonder if she really is happy with him. 

You know she’s figured out by now that you’re not happy with Mark.

But you never ask, and she never asks.

And neither of you tells the truth.

And you just keep driving and driving, on your mini road trips with Meredith. You're taking longer and longer routes to the pharmacy. And she notices this but she doesn't say a damn word.

Because you both know once the chocolate is gone that you’ll have to go back to the real world. 

Meredith knows that she'll have to face whatever trouble she's in.

And you know she will leave _you_ now, just to go back to _him_.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. That is now stuffed out with RiteAid receipts. From all of the chocolates, you've shared.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER NINETEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

And some more fluff. Because fluff is nice. And it might be soon time for some... _Interesting plot._

Any guesses as to where I might be going with this?

If you're right I'll comment to you with an emoji *virtual chocolate of your own choice*

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 97 hits so far. 72 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 319 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 215 reads, 16 comments, and 78 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [**Soothe**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because there's a new Chapter 15 of that posted now!!!

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	20. Second Person, Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You never actually meant to ‘come out’ to Meredith Grey. But you did before you had a chance to think twice about it. It was for a good cause after all. Derek still doesn’t know. And you’re not sure you ever want him to.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Twenty **

* * *

You never actually meant to ‘come out’ to Meredith Grey. But you did before you had a chance to think twice about it. It was for a good cause after all. Derek Shepherd still doesn’t know. And you’re not sure you ever want him to.

Meredith promised she wouldn’t tell on you.

And you thank God for that.

She says she owes you for all the chocolate. You say thank you, for the secret, but because not you think she owes you.

You tell her just as much, and Meredith understands that you don't go for chocolate out of any obligation. That the chocolate is a mutual escape for you both.

It was because there was a patient of yours and Meredith’s, after her surgery, who was being really overtly homophobic.

She was yelling about how she didn’t want anything to do with anyone gay or lesbian.

And that the world would be best if they didn’t exist.

Before you can think twice you tell her you’re gay and ask if she wishes you never saved her fucking life.

And then she shuts up for a while.

And then she doesn’t say no, but she doesn’t say yes, either. And the non-answer is almost enough for you.

So you caved and now Meredith is looking at you and you’re scared she’s going to say something homophobic too.

But all she says is “is that why you got a divorce?”

And you burst out laughing and you say “probably,” and that just makes both of you laugh even harder.

Meredith doesn’t ask how Mark Sloan ever fits into that equation, and you’re glad because you don’t want to explain the whole ‘lesbian porn dirty talk thing’ to her.

And she never changes the way that she looks at you, or the way that she acts around you. And she gets you a hot chocolate, saying that even if nobody died, the bullying did, and that’s reason enough.

And you want to ask Meredith why she’s so supportive of you.

But you don’t.

And you tell her not to tell Derek because you’re not ready. And she says that she won’t. And she never does.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. While printing off a full-resolution colored picture of the pride flag. Because Meredith said it would be funny if you taped it to her medical chart for her when she leaves after her surgery. And you actually do it, too, just for her (Meredith, you mean. Not the homophobic asshole).

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER TWENTY**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Congrats, Addie.

Thanks, Mer.

Now, what the hell will happen here???

bobbiejelly

Ps. Comment if you get my self-indulgent reference to Addison coming out in Chapter 20. EEK!

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 97 hits so far. 72 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 320 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 222 reads, 16 comments, and 84 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Reccomending reading [**Soothe**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) today if you want to check that out because there's a new Chapter 15 of that posted now!!!

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	21. Second Person, Twenty-One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re devastated. You just delivered a stillborn baby, and the parents have wanted this child for nine months. You didn’t know it would happen until it did. And you can’t seem to stop all your sadness.
> 
> This time it’s you, who goes to find Meredith Grey to see if she wants to ‘go get some chocolate’. Normally you let her do the asking, because you need to know that she really wants to, and you like waiting for her to come to find you.
> 
> -Addison Montgomery
> 
> In Addison’s personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Twenty-One **

* * *

You’re devastated. You just delivered a stillborn baby, and the parents have wanted this child for nine months. You didn’t know it would happen until it did. And you can’t seem to stop all your sadness.

This time it’s you, who goes to find Meredith Grey to see if she wants to ‘go get some chocolate’. Normally you let her do the asking, because you need to know that she really wants to, and you like waiting for her to come to find you.

But you really need it this time, you need some comfort and someone to talk to. And you don’t even care if she really loves you at all, even as a friend and no more. You need her to be close to you now, so you can let yourself feel.

You look everywhere, all across the hospital until you see her stroking Derek’s hair in the hallway. You turn to leave because she’s with him and not alone, but she spies you before you walk away and she must have read something in your face.

She excuses herself from Derek and tells him she’ll be home later. And just like that, she’s walking with you to your car, asking what variety of chocolate you want today, seeing as she says to you “it’s you who needs it the most this time, and I understand.”

She really does get you, and that gets under your skin. Her energy is just so healing, it scares the hell out of you because you never want to go without her. You ask if she likes chocolate gelato and handcrafted ice-cream cones, and she says that she does. 

So you start driving over the overpass to near where your hotel is, because that’s where the best place is and even she doesn’t seem to know this. Of course you realize she was only in Seattle for a few months before you, and she said she went to college in Hanover and grew up between Boston and here, but she was too young to remember much.

All the little things you remember about Meredith are what you think about as you drive Meredith to the gelato shop. Because you don’t want to think about loss and dead babies and the tiny white little coffins they bury their baby bodies in.

Meredith senses you might need something to ground you, so she offers a hand on your shoulder. You don’t pull away, you don’t talk yet. And you don’t ask why she chose to spend time with you over him, now.

You just keep your eyes on the open road and hope the gelato shop is open. It is, and you buy yourself a triple-fudge in a waffle cone, while Meredith selects a chocolate chip in a sugar cone, and you take your gelato outside past the store.

“Are you sure you want to eat this in your car?” Meredith asks you skeptically, and you realize it’s not a very great idea, after all. So you sit on the little park benches and eat your gelatos. And when she gets some on her chin, you gesture to tell her.

You have to resist the impulse to wipe it away with a napkin yourself. Or with your hand and lick your hand after. Or just to suck the melted chocolate right off of her face. You don’t want her to know that you’re thinking of her this way, now. So you get up to get some water, and eventually, she follows you.

“Here, let me help carry it,” she offers, and you let her- because by now you’ve calmed down a bit. So you sit as you crunch the ends of the homemade gelato cones under your lips. And it all washes down well with the water, and you both head to the washroom to use a wet paper towel off of your skin.

She reaches over you to grab the paper towel, and you know that your breath hitches but you try not to show it. Meredith doesn’t ask you about it, though. So you just keep running your hands under cold water, as she runs hot water over her hands to warm herself up.

“Do you want to talk about it, now?” Meredith offers, finally settling into the reason she’s here. You’re back in your black Mercedes now, and she’s in the passenger seat and you’re in the driver’s seat, but you aren’t buckled in because you both know you’re not leaving soon.

“Their baby died, it died before it was born. I just delivered a dead baby, Meredith,” your voice breaks at least four times as you say this.

“I’m sorry,” she starts with, and you remember saying the same thing to her when her dog was dying and also when he finally died (she found you to ask you to find you both fudge pops, that time).

“Thanks,” you say pathetically because you can’t figure anything else out. And she just sits there, and she reaches to put her hand on your shoulder again. And you let her again. And then she leans closer over to you, and she hugs you.

And it’s exactly what you need right now. She’s exactly what you need and who you want and it’s all wrapped up into one. And you just want Meredith, selfishly, to keep picking you over Derek. And to keep holding you like this in her dainty arms.

She knows you want this, and you wonder if she wants to hold you, too, or if she’s just doing this because you did it for her, or even worse, as a favor to ‘take care of you for her boyfriend’. You wince at the thought.

Meredith feels you wincing and she doesn’t know why. So she just holds you tighter as you start to sob in her arms. And you realize you forgot to get a receipt this time. But you know you’ll never forget this one time anyhow.

You’ll never forget the time you asked Meredith Grey for comfort for the first time.

You’ll never forget how she picked you over Derek, even as she had her hands in his hair at the time you walked by.

You’ll never forget how she has her hands in YOUR hair right now. And how she’s here for you, when you need her. And you realize she’s the most consistent person in your life right now.

You open up to her even more than with Callie, who you are close to but who has never been quite as vulnerable with you because she’s spending time with her... George.

You open up to her even more than with Mark, because you know a part of him just wants to get into your pants again, even as you try your best not to feed the sex beast that is Mark Sloan.

There’s a part of you that just needs someone in your life who you could never have sex with. Because at least, like this, you know she can hold you and console you and ground you without seeking for more.

Somehow, even though it hurts like hell, knowing she wants your emotions and not your body makes her important to you. Even if the unrequited love is a tale as old as time, the tale of an unspoken friendship is a tale as old as eternity.

Meredith Grey holds you until you can look right ahead of you without the tears blurring your eyes. She holds you even after that, until she sees a small smile pulling at the edge of your face.

Meredith holds you until you feel you are strong enough to pull away.

And you do.

And you think you’re imagining it, you tell yourself that you are.

You always feel a sense of loss when you stop cuddling with her.

You always know it’s you who wants most to snuggle.

She doesn’t feel the crave that you do around her.

But at that moment, you look into her stormy blue eyes.

And you think that you might see the loss in there, too.

But you stifle the slim flicker of hope before it devours you whole.

Because even if it were there, she’s not yours to want after, and you shouldn’t let her want after you.

And so you tell yourself you imagined it, you tell yourself you didn’t see that look of loss in her eye. You tell yourself it was all your blurry eyes still.

And you blink to clear them before bucking your seatbelt and telling Meredith to put on hers.

And you drive back over the overpass to the other side of town again. And you pull up in front of Seattle Grace Hospital. And just like always, you open the door for her to leave first.

You park your car before heading in, you always do this and you still do it now.

Because you know if you park your car first and you walk in beside her, that you will chase her and want her and need her to be more than your friend.

And she’s not yours to want. And you are not hers to take.

So you don’t let yourself follow Meredith Grey.

You just let her out into the world.

And off you go to the car park.

Wishing you had gone further, to the gelato place on the very edge of the city, even though it’s not as good there, just so you could have had a few more minutes with her.

With Meredith’s hand on your shoulder as you drove to and also from where you were headed for that damn chocolate.

This one time, you let it be you doing the asking, and the needing, and the crying.

But this time, just like all the other times, you let her go away once the moment is over.

-Addison Montgomery

In Addison’s personal diary. With a business card from the gelato shop as the bookmark. Because the receipt never left the cashier’s hand.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Yeah, this has more MerAdd hurt-comfort vibes now.

Also some [**Soothe**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004/chapters/57840982) vibes, I know. But I let myself off the hook seeing as that one is entirely from Mer's perspective.

And at least Addie seems to be semi-ok now.

Let me know what you think, this is a long one for you.

Have a great day!

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 1 subscription, 105 hits so far. 78 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 388 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 253 reads, 18 comments, and 94 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. A new Chapter of this is up! #44 today: **[Falling Apart, Barely Breathing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)**

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	22. Second Person, Twenty-Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You sort of flinch when Callie asks you if you want chocolate. You know that it started when Callie shares her Kinder bar with you and Meredith saw the traces atop your fingertips. But it’s not the same without her here, and you don’t know how to not explain this all to Callie.
> 
> So you say you’re not hungry for chocolate now, and then you ask her if she wants potato chips.
> 
> -Addison Montgomery
> 
> In her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Twenty-Two **

* * *

You sort of flinch when Callie asks you if you want chocolate. You know that it started when Callie shares her Kinder bar with you and Meredith saw the traces atop your fingertips. But it’s not the same without her here, and you don’t know how to _not_ explain this all to Callie.

So you say you’re not hungry for chocolate now, and then you ask Callie if she wants potato chips.

You get them from the coffee cart because they sell everything there.

And Callie tells you about George and how she sort of lives with him at the ‘intern house’ and when she explains what that is you try not to show that you’re jealous because she really means Meredith’s house.

Callie complains about Grey and you defend Meredith to her, saying you’re sure she didn’t mean to assume she didn’t wash her hands after using the washroom.

Callie looks at you a little confused because she probably thought you didn’t want to talk about Meredith with her because you hated her, but now you’re standing up for her when she’s not even there.

But Callie brushes it off and agrees with you because you are sort of right.

And then she lets the topic slide and tells you about how Izzie doesn’t like her and she doesn’t like Izzie because Izzie and George have some sort of special bond that she’s not in on.

She asks you if it ever bothered you when Derek has close friends that were not you. You don’t know what to say because it didn’t because you shared Mark as a friend until he found out your innermost desires and you had adulterous sex while talking about lesbian porn.

So of course you don’t say that to Callie.

So you just shrug and she accepts this. And you realize you do want her as a friend, and that it only feels like you’re ‘cheating’ on Meredith when Callie offers you chocolate.

Not that there’s anything that’s a relationship, and therefore there’s nothing to be ‘cheated on’. But you still can’t bring yourself to eat chocolate with Callie. So you eat chips instead.

And maybe that can be yours and Callie’s thing. The salty instead of the rich creamy sweet stuff. Maybe it’s good to have a change from different flavors in life.

She asks about what’s on your mind, and you find yourself less willing to open up as with Meredith.

But you tell her anyway about a recent patient case that is going well. And she doesn’t pry more about anything else.

And all this is fine and dandy until you see Meredith Grey approaching you out of the corner of your eye.

You know she and Callie don’t get along, and you know she knows the chocolate thing between you is still a secret from absolutely everyone.

So you know it must be serious if she’s come to find you now.

And Meredith Grey looks horribly sad and downtrodden like she’s been sobbing her eyes all-out twice over. 

And all you want to do is to take her away and heal her.

But you’re sitting with Callie and you just said you don’t feel like chocolate and you don’t want to change your mind in front of Callie and hurt her feelings.

So you’re frozen in place while Meredith keeps walking foreword, and Callie can see you looking over her shoulder so she traces her own eyes to Grey.

And Callie looks back to you in surprise, and you make up an excuse on the spot about a patient you both have to check on together

And Callie accepts this and Meredith accepts this. And you curse under your breath that both your friends have to settle for less than ideal with you right now.

You buy Meredith chocolate from the hospital gift shop because you can’t take off in your car now that you sort of lied to Callie.

You go into an empty patient room to share it as she takes the pieces one by one and gingerly from your hands.

“My mother is not well,” Meredith says to you and sobs.

“What’s happening?” You ask her.

She says “Alzheimer’s” and cries.

Meredith reaches for you and you bring her head into the crook of your neck. 

You sit down by her and let her melt into your front as she lets the tears run down your shirt.

You ask if her if her mother remembers her. Meredith says that she doesn’t, and it makes her want to forget.

You ask her what she usually does to cope with this.

Meredith says that other than the chocolate with you she usually screws people left and right and also drinks tequila, sometimes both.

You don’t ask her why she isn’t just off screwing Derek, then. You don’t ask her if by saying “people” she was just coming out to you as well. You don’t ask her if she blacked out for those times she slept with people from the alcohol.

You just understand she wants to not do those terrible things to herself and you try to be a helping hand.

Meredith grabs onto your hand. You don’t let it go. You feel the smooth clang of your old ring against your palm and as it digs into your skin you feel reminded she carries a symbol of you around with her.

You don’t suggest she hold onto it as she holds onto you.

Because that would be admitting you still think about giving her that ring.

And that would be admitting you have non-platonic, romantic feelings for Meredith Grey, to her.

So you just let her tell you all the good and bad about Ellis Grey.

And you separate it in your mind from all the medical things you ever heard about her mom.

She makes you know the difference, between the surgeon and the person.

And you think you know it, because you still love Derek as a neuro Doctor, but you don’t like him as a person so much now.

And you think Mark is a good doctor and a good person but you don’t love him as more than just your friend.

And you know Meredith is not the best doctor yet because she is an intern, but you love her as a person. And also more and more.

And all of these things swirl up for you as you hold Meredith’s hand for the first/second time in your life.

Because the first time was when you handed her your old ring from Derek in the first place.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. As she looks through catalogs to find out what model that ring was. Because she’s not nostalgic about back then, but she’s sort of curious now. Because it looks so nice and neat on her crush of a person’s pretty dainty finger.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Yeah, this has more MerAdd hurt-comfort vibes now.

Also some [**Soothe**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004/chapters/57840982) vibes, I know. But I let myself off the hook seeing as that one is entirely from Mer's perspective.

And at least Addie seems to be semi-ok now.

Let me know what you think, this is a long one for you.

Have a great day!

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 1 subscription, 109 hits so far. 78 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 391 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 255 reads, 18 comments, and 101 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. A new Chapter of this is up! #44 today: **[Falling Apart, Barely Breathing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)**

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	23. Second Person, Twenty-Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something sort of changed the game today. Even though it didn’t. It was just a simple thing. But it was everything. And nothing.
> 
> -Addison Montgomery
> 
> In her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person Twenty-Three **

* * *

Something sort of changed the game today. Even though it didn’t. It was just a simple thing. But it was everything. And nothing.

You were in the trauma room again, bellowing orders for your surgery. Meredith Grey was there and so was her best friend, Cristina Yang.

Both of them were there, and you, and the patient who was four months pregnant. Except she wasn’t pregnant from a man, per se.

The patient is a lesbian and she’s pregnant from in-vitro. The patient tells you this as you examine her cervix to see if she can still have a routine delivery.

You say she can and the patient is very relieved, because her partner and her spent years and a lot of money to have this child.

You say that’s very special of her, and she asks if you want to have a child someday. And you say yes because you do.

And you start asking a bit more about what IVF was like for her because you know you don’t want to have a child from a man the other way.

So she tells you, and you know Meredith knows you’re gay already but Cristina Yang does not.

And you hope you’re not being super obvious about it, but luckily Cristina Yang seems just as enthused as you are in the patient’s answers.

You chalk this up to be a medical thing, after all, Cristina is always an a-plus student. Even Meredith starts to ask some questions to the patient.

And eventually, you sort of know you want to try IVF someday, and you make a not to plan a trip to LA sometime to see Naomi, your best friend who is a fertility specialist.

Naomi doesn’t know you’re gay yet, officially, but you don’t think she’ll be surprised at all. She’s caught you staring at women before, and she looked skeptical when you denied it.

But anyway, you decide at that moment that you probably want children or at least one child in the same way that this person had them. This lesbian patient.

It was a revelation, and Cristina Yang and Meredith Grey were there to see it even though they didn’t know what changed in you and neither did your patient.

But something shifted. That something changed the game. Even though it didn’t really. It was just a simple thing. 

Because you have no one to share a child with. And you don’t want to be alone. You want Meredith or at least another woman because you probably can never have her, but you know if you don’t come out you might end up settling for a man named something like ‘Kevin’ or Sam’ or ‘Jake’.

You don’t want to end up settling, but you don’t want to come out to more people, either. Even if the first one was the hardest, you still don’t know what Derek will think.

Meredith asks the patient what’s it like for her, at least, to be a lesbian. And you’re sort of shocked she asked so bluntly, and even Cristina Yang seems interested.

But the patient chuckled and says she gets that a lot. And she says she just really likes being around women, she likes to kiss and touch them when she’s dating a girl. And sometimes, she falls in love with a particular girl/woman.

And you’re really glad she said that, because you couldn’t say it all yourself. And you realize you’re nodding at her answer in familiarity and Meredith nods at you back for this.

And then your eyes go wide as you realize you’ve been caught relating to this lesbian patient in front of her and also Cristina. And you get terrified because you don’t want them to know your secret.

So you eye Meredith, and she gives you a look back to say she still won’t tell on you. And you look relieved you have her trust. And then Cristina doesn’t notice you eyeing her.

But the patient does. The patient asks flat out if you two are a couple, you and Meredith. And you freeze on the spot because you have nothing coherent to say.

But luckily Meredith starts talking and you let her say what she’s going to say. You expect Meredith to say something like ‘I’m fucking her ex-husband now, so no, and I'm not gay’.

But she doesn’t say that. She does not say that at all. She says something really surprising. 

She says “we’re not a couple, but if we were I’d be really lucky. I’m wearing a ring from her, now, you know. But just because we’re friends.”

And that’s the moment that shifted another something. It was everything and nothing.

Because she all but came out in front of you. And to Cristina and the patient, too.

And she revealed that she wore your ring, or at least that she’s wearing the ring right now, for you and not for Derek. Because you’re friends and nothing more.

And she said she’d be really lucky to have you. As something 'more than a friend'. And you don’t know what to think of that. Because you can’t ask her to be more, not now.

Not while she’s dating Derek. You don’t want to make her an adulterous whore. You don’t want to make people call her a slut again. You don’t want to cause her any pain.

So as much as you want to do something more with her, you know you can’t, not now. And that’s why this moment is all basically come to nothing.

Meredith eventually does ‘come out’ for real to you and Cristina, because she wanted to make it clear. She said she’s always been into women and men, just people in general, from high school all through college.

She just never had a chance to tell either of you, with so much man McDreamy drama. So Meredith is telling you now. And she’s telling Cristina now. And she’s already said you two are friends.

And you think Cristina might yell at her for being friends with an adulterous Satan of a whore. But she doesn’t she just says to Meredith it’s nice she has another friend, as long as ‘Addison never tries to replace me as your twisted sister’.

And you promise that you’d never do that (not even if you dated her...) and that seems to be enough to comfort her. And Cristina says she’s kissed a few women in university and she’s not opposed to it, there’s just no woman she has her eyes on now.

And you all just sit down talking about this. And Meredith is eyeing you giving a look like 'you could trust Cristina’. But you still don’t want to come out to her friend even though they both just came out to you.

So you don’t, you just sit there until the patient needs an ultrasound. And Meredith just seems to get that you’re not ready so she never pushes you.

And all Meredith says to you later is that she meant every word she said in the patient room. She meant it when she came out. She meant it when she said she’d be really lucky to have you. And she meant it when she wears your ring to remind you of your friendship.

Meredith asks you not to tell Derek that because he thinks she wears the ring for him still. And you say of course you’ll keep her secret. And not just because she's keeping yours.

You ask Meredith if she’s come out to Derek yet. She says she hasn’t but she doesn’t care at all if he knows either way. It’s not a big deal to her and it doesn’t really change her life.

Meredith doesn’t ask you to keep it secret, but you do anyhow, so she has the chance to speak up to him on her own like you would want to if it was you, someday.

And all you say is “thank you” back to all the rest of it because you think your heart will explode otherwise. So you nod at her. She nods at you back. And you leave for your office after your brief chat with Meredith in the stairwell (again!).

Something sort of changed the game today. Even though it didn’t. It was just a simple thing. But it was everything. And nothing.

You learned from her that Meredith is into women, she could even be into you. She still wants to be your friend, and she’ll wear your ring to prove that to you. She’ll talk to you in the stairwells, she’ll talk about her life and go for chocolate with you. It’s all the simple things.

But you still want her all for yourself, and you will never ask her outright to leave him for you. And so you stick to friendship because you want Meredith in your life at all, even as just a friend, even more than anything. Even more than a baby that you want, because you definitely want a baby, someday, too.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. This time she draws the ring she gave Meredith, as she knows it all by heart.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

To LordOfLezzies who one said "I bet Mer was with women in college" to that, I say, definitely.

And to everyone else, hope you enjoy how this is progressing. 

Still wondering where to go from here, thoughts?

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 1 subscription, 118 hits so far. 78 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 479 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 287 reads, 18 comments, and 107 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. A new Chapter of this is up! #44: **[Falling Apart, Barely Breathing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)**

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	24. Second Person, Twenty-Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You still enjoy talking to Mark Sloan sometimes. Even more so now that he’s gotten used to the idea of you not sleeping with him anymore at all, ever again. He’s found some nurses to screw around with instead of you, and I guess that arrangement suits your friendship to a T.
> 
> You’re talking to Mark now because you’ve seen him talking to Meredith Grey just then. When you ask them both what they were talking about, Meredith just says “adultery” and then she smirks and starts to walk away sort of slowly from both you and Mark.
> 
> -Addison Montgomery
> 
> In her personal diary.

* * *

**Second Person, Twenty-Four **

* * *

You still enjoy talking to Mark Sloan sometimes. Even more so now that he’s gotten used to the idea of you not sleeping with him anymore at all, ever again. He’s found some nurses to screw around with instead of you, and I guess that arrangement suits your friendship to a T.

You’re talking to Mark now because you’ve seen him talking to Meredith Grey just then. When you ask them both what they were talking about, Meredith just says “adultery” and then she smirks and starts to walk away sort of slowly from both you and Mark.

You have no idea why Meredith is talking about that with Mark, but then again, they were both the ‘dirty mistresses once’ behind yours and Derek’s backs. If they had a 'secret club' about it, well I guess they would have 'meetings'.

You suddenly freak out thinking that Meredith might be having an affair behind Derek Shepherd's back with Mark. You wouldn’t even be able to blame her for it, the hypocrisy would just be you as a pot calling the kettle black and she would know that (so would he, and he, you suppose, also, as well).

And Mark, you guess, catches on to your recent train of thought. Because he says out loud to both you and Meredith, “hey, Addison Montgomery, now don’t you be jealous.” You want to punch him in the face like Derek did, because you know he’s implying that you’d be jealous of him for Meredith and not the other way around.

And Mark still doesn’t know that Meredith already knows you’re gay. So he probably thinks its a harmless thing but he all but spelled it out for her. And you’re angry. You’re so angry at him. And you’re winding up for a punch. 

But then you feel Meredith’s hand on your shoulder. And you’re shocked out of your violent angry spell. And Mark opens his eyes again and notices you’re actually not about to punch him like he thought you were.

And then he smirks at you, seeing Meredith’s hand on you and how it seems to make you happy. And you roll your eyes at him and you hope that Meredith can’t see you do that.

And then Mark says he’s going to walk away before you change your mind and give him a real smack upside the nose. And then he saunters off from you both, jeering at you all the way.

And then Meredith keeps her reassuring hand there and she asks if you want to go for chocolate. And you do, so you say yes, but that you didn’t bring your car here.

So she says she’ll drive and she leads you out to her car where she turns on the radio. And you don’t know the song but Meredith does and she sings along and you really like her high notes.

She drives you to a farmer’s market that you didn’t know existed. She leads you over to a French pastier who makes you chocolate croissants.

And you eat your pain au chocolate in silence as she tells you she’s glad you never punched Mark, even if he did deserve it.

You ask her why she was talking to him about adultery, and she just laughs and says it’s one of the few things they have in common.

And you want to ask her if she’s having an affair with him, but she says she isn’t because she seems to read your mind a bit.

So you sigh audibly out in relief, and you say you’re glad she’s not making the same mistakes as you did.

And she says “thanks I guess” and then she just keeps eating her chocolate croissant.

Eventually, you finish your pastry and she finishes hers. But you still don’t want to talk yet and she doesn’t want to talk yet. And you don’t want it all to be over.

So you ask her if she likes chocolate milkshakes and she says that she does. And then she notices it’s twice as cheap to buy one large one than two small ones but you get the same amount.

So Meredith buys one chocolate milkshake with two straws before you figure it all out. And she pays for it for you, because you bought the chocolate croissants.

And then you sit close together at their little plastic tables as you pass it back and forth until she leans in at the same time and sticks her straw on it and you both slurp the chocolate milkshake together at the same time.

You want to enjoy this, but you can't seem yourself to let yourself. And your mind can’t help but go to self-destructive places so you wonder if she does this also with Derek. And it makes you frown and get all jealous even though you know you shouldn’t be.

And she sees your fists clenching and she knows that you’re mad again and it scares her so she puts her hand on your shoulder again and asks if you are alright.

And you lie to Meredith again and say it was all about Mark you're angry, and she nods and you know Mark will forgive you for using him as a scapegoat if he ever does find out.

So you just keep sipping the milkshake together and you let her have the end of it because you’re overwhelmed with her mouth making nice sounds when she is so close to you.

So Meredith sips the end of it contentedly, after asking if you’re really sure.

And you go to get you both some water so you can share that, too. And you pass the bottle back and forth like you did that first day in your car.

And you still remember how her lips had chocolate leftover from them on the glass. And now her lips had milkshake leftover from them on the bottle.

And your lips are touching where hers are and it’s the closest thing you come to getting to really kiss her.

And you sit there until the milkshake and the water are both gone. And then she says she still has to work later so you walk back to her car with her.

And this time you sit in the passenger seat and Meredith sits in the driver’s seat but you still don’t put your seatbelts on yet.

Her car is nice. It’s a different brand than yours but you like it all the same. She doesn’t put the radio on. She doesn’t put the keys in the ignition.

She just waits for you to start talking. And when you don’t, Meredith starts talking, herself.

“My mommy was a filthy whore, and I think that I am, too,” Meredith finally groans out.

“What?” You say, not wanting to reveal that you had known about her mother’s affair for a while now.

Richard Webber has been your teacher through your fellowship, and you and Derek have known about his sleeping around before.

“She banged the Chief. Our chief. My mother banged the chief,” Meredith finally blurts out.

“Oh. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Meredith,” you finally say to her, glad you’re not the one breaking that news to her.

“My mother, Ellis Grey is only semi-lucid some of the time. She often talks about Richard Webber," Meredith begins.

You keep nodding, and you're really sad for her, and you don't know that you'll be even sadder for her in a minute.

"And the other day she talked about 'going at it' with him in an on-call room at the hospital. And I think I’m scarred for life,” Meredith finally starts to tear up a bit.

“Would it help if I told you my father, ‘The Captain’ Montgomery banged his secretary while making me wait out in the hall far away from them both instead of spending time with me, and bribing me with ice cream behind my mother, Bizzy Forbes' back?” You offer, even though you realize you probably shouldn’t be sharing family secrets left and right.

“Only because you understand me and my issues. I’m sorry too, ya know,” Meredith offers you, as she brushes a tear away.

“Do you think I get it from him? The wanting to cheat around?” You ask, and Meredith just corrects you to say “do you think WE get it from them, the wanting to cheat around?”

She includes herself in the sentence now, and this gives you the hint that Meredith wants to talk some more.

“I feel like a slut,” she says. “Why?” You ask, and it’s a stupid question.

“I’m a home-wrecker,” Meredith begins. “I’m YOU’RE home-wrecker,” she goes on. “And you are even nice to me. And that makes me feel like a slut for taking all your time,” Meredith finally concludes to you. And to herself as well.

“Derek and I broke up because I’m gay, remember, Meredith? I laughed the first time when you asked that. But even though Derek still doesn’t know I’m homosexual, it doesn’t mean our marriage would have ever worked out.” You finally tell her.

“Are you sure?” She asks you.

“I’m sure I’m gay, Meredith,” you smirk at her a bit.

“No, I mean are you sure it wasn’t all my fault, and I still think I'm a slut for sucking up all your emotional availability” Meredith finally sobers you and answers.

“Yeah I’m sure. It was more Mark’s fault than it could ever be yours. We were over when he walked away in New York. But that doesn’t mean I blame you or even Mark. There’s no-one more to blame than me,” you finally say. 

You don't know what to say about the emotions part, because you don't want to say that all you want to do is help her work through her challenges, no matter what the cost. 

You love it when she shares her deepest fears with you. And you even share with her, yours.

At that moment, in your head... You finally accept the responsibility for your failed marriage, even if you might never say that to Derek because it would make him even more arrogant.

“Do you still feel like an adulterous Satan?” Meredith eventually asks you.

“Well, I prefer ‘Ruler-Of-All-That-Is-Evil, but I will answer to Satan,” you finally joke back and really smile. Meredith smiles back at you, but her brow furrows again thinking about all of her problems more.

“I still feel like a total whore,” Meredith sighs as she leans closer to your shoulder, signaling that she wants you to console her.

So you brush the back of your hand on Meredith’s arm and shoulder and rub it up and down a bit, as she keeps on going and breaking your heart a bit for her, as she describes why she thinks she’s still a whore.

“I just have so many problems. With my dad and mom and Webber. And in my friend group, we sometimes fight between us. And there’s Callie and Mark and sometimes we get along but sometimes we don’t. And Bailey is always kicking my ass...” Meredith sighs loudly at all that.

“Well, the Bailey part is just her being your resident,” you finally offer to Meredith who nods at least at that.

“And I’m really trying to keep it together for my mom, but it’s hard when she still thinks I’m five,” Meredith sighs again. “Like, you know when your mom will always think you’re just a kid. But Ellis Grey actually believes I’m still in kindergarten, literally,” Meredith exclaims.

“I don’t know what to say,” you say because you really don’t. 

“Derek wants to try a clinical trial with her or something,” she says to you. Usually she never talks about Derek to you. And you don’t talk about Derek to her or Mark for that matter.

But this is more about her mom more than about her love life or yours. So you let her keep talking about the medicine. And you hope she has hope, still.

“I don’t know if I want it to work or not," Meredith cries over her mom.

It makes you selfishly glad that your mom Bizzy Forbes is not sick, even though you sometimes hate her, too, and so does your brother, Archer Montgomery, for being overbearing.

"Sometimes I just want her suffering to end," Meredith continues as you nod.

"But I don’t want her to live in pain. But I also don’t want her to die too early if she was supposed to have another good set of moments woken up,” Meredith finally clings to you.

She reaches for more of you as she leans her head into yours as Meredith lets her body drift from the driver’s seat and into your lap, and she brings your hand to her head to rub her on her forehead.

So you massage her temples, and you try to work out the tender knots there. But they just keep forming and forming all over again.

But she seems to feel a bit better. And for a while you’re almost sure she might fall asleep. And then she does, just in your lap, in the parking lot of the farmer’s market. As you keep rubbing your hands on her tender head.

You let her fall asleep as long as she needs to because you can tell she hasn’t been sleeping well at all. And you just hold her like you want to, you just keep brushing the hair from her gentle face.

And when she washes up you’re not sure how much Meredith really remembers. Because she doesn’t talk about her mom anymore, or about Derek’s clinical trial idea, or about how she still thinks she’s a whore.

She just switches the radio on and turns the key in the ignition. And Meredith starts to drive you back to the hospital. And sh doesn’t talk. And you don’t at all, either.

And she lets you go in first like you always drop her off.

And it feels like a punch in the gut- like she doesn’t want to walk with you.

Even as Meredith says to you “you don’t have to sit here and watch me struggle to park.”  Like she’s doing you a really big favor because she wants to treat you well and you know this. 

Even though, to you, because the gesture makes you spend less time with her, it feels as though it’s not.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. As she pulls out a map of the farmer’s market and circles with a red pen all the other things she’d like to try there sometime. Maybe even again with Meredith.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

To LordOfLezzies who one said "I bet Mer was with women in college" to that, I say, definitely.

And to everyone else, hope you enjoy how this is progressing. 

Still wondering where to go from here, thoughts?

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 1 subscription, 127 hits so far. 82 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 516 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 306 reads, 18 comments, and 113 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. A new Chapter of this is up! #44: **[Falling Apart, Barely Breathing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)**

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	25. Second Person, Twenty-Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re not sure how the topic came up, or why confessed you had once been pregnant with Mark Sloan’s baby. But you did. And in front of Mark, Derek, Callie, Izzie, Cristina, Alex, George and Meredith Grey, no less. This day was going to be a hard day. And you are craving chocolate, now, again.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Twenty-Five **

* * *

You’re not sure how the topic came up, or why confessed you had once been pregnant with Mark Sloan’s baby. But you did. And in front of Mark, Derek, Callie, Izzie, Cristina, Alex, George and Meredith Grey, no less. This day was going to be a hard day. And you are craving chocolate, now, again.

It probably started when there was a patient who was admitted who had a teen pregnancy. Obviously, you were called in, to help, along with Izzie Stevens. She talked about giving a kid up when she got pregnant at fifteen, and you really respected her honesty.

Then Cristina talked about how she got pregnant from Burke and hated it, how she was going to have an abortion but never went through with it only because she had an ectopic pregnancy. Cristina thanks you for saying her life, and you thank her for living by her values. (You also want to yell at Preston Burke for being mad about that, but you don’t).

And George talks about how he doesn’t want a baby now, but he might someday, and how it was such an honor to be there while Bailey’s baby was being born. And Callie Torres sort of vaguely talks to George about how she might also want to have her own kids someday...

Alex Karev says he wants kids only if he has a good mother along with him and that he shapes up to be a good dad. Callie says that he seems like the kind of guy who might someday barbecue and he thanks her for that, and also confesses he once slept with Callie before Callie met George, and George is jealous over that.

And then Derek is there and saying that at one point he was sort of trying to have kids with you, but that never had worked out. And then you confess, in tears, how you had gotten pregnant and you found out pretty much just after Derek had left you in New York.

And then Mark and Derek both know almost immediately it was Mark’s because you had not had sex with Derek in years by that point, and Derek is hurt you had sex with Mark and not him, and he doesn’t know the reason. And Mark knows that you’re gay, and he’s hurt because you hid the baby from him.

And then Meredith Grey asks you very gently what happened with the baby because you don’t seem to have a child unless you’re hiding that from everyone. And then you tell them that you ended it, before telling Mark or Derek, and you still hate yourself a bit for it, even though it’s still what you would have wanted.

And Meredith looks so sad for you, and she’s giving you a look like she wants to hold you in her arms as you did the other day. But you can’t in front of everyone, so you just sit there and Mark puts an arm around you but you brush him off. Then Callie goes to do this but you see George look at you with a bit of jealousy so you shrug her off, too.

And then eventually Richard Webber appears with Preston Burke and summons Mark and Derek on a case. And both of the men of your past give you a look that says “we will talk about this later with you,” and you already know they will talk about it with each other.

And then Bailey comes eventually to summon all the interns again for another case. And you notice that Meredith Grey, probably by accident, says she’ll come in a minute because she has to get her stethoscope from her locker, first.

Except as soon as Bailey walks away you find out Meredith was lying. She pulls it out a little from her pocket as she suggests you go get a chocolate doughnut from the coffee cart together. So you sneak out to get them as she hides in the washroom from Bailey.

And Meredith eats fast because she doesn’t have much time at all. And you savor yours slowly because you haven’t been paged in yet. And she’s looking at you like she knows you want to talk about it and you do and that helps you.

And Meredith wraps her arms around you, and you wrap your arms around you back. And you sit there hiding in one of the single-stall washrooms eating doughnuts near the back of it. And you sit there until you finally tell her you wanted to try having sex with a man one more time (to see if it's just that you and Derek are completely sexually incompatible).

It’s a mostly-truth, and she accepts this, and she asks what it was like for you. And you say “not that great” because it’s true, it was only okay because he was talking about women, and all the times you did it with him it was just about experimenting to see if you could turn yourself straight.

And then Meredith says she’s sad for you because you never knew yet what great sex feels like. And you ask her what sex with a woman is like because you know she’s ‘done it’ with other girls before. And you ask this even as your self-destructive mind hates you for it because you want to punch out all those other girls she's been with, even though you didn't even know Meredith, back then.

And Meredith says to you she really liked it, it was lovely, and that she misses it sometimes. You don’t ask her more than that, because you know if she starts to describe it or if she says more about how she’s nostalgic for the girl-on-girl naked things that it might end up with your hands down each other’s pants.

And you don’t want that to happen like this while she still with your ex-husband. Even if you and her being in this confined space talking about lesbian sex is making your heart pound out of your chest and your hands all clammy and your vision fuzzy all over again.

And you wonder if she feels it too, not even from you, just as an autonomic reaction from her body because she is also attracted to girls. She asks you if you have even kissed a girl ever? And you say no because it’s the truth. And you are sad about it. And she can tell you’re sad about it.

And then she’s giving you a look that is compassionate and you’re terrified and exhilarated and overjoyed and heartbroken and all and everything else when you open your eyes in a panic at the way Meredith Grey is looking at you. You know that look, somehow. It’s the ultimate look of true and true steadfast friendship.

Meredith Grey, your crush, your current unrequited lover, looks at you like she wants to kiss you, just as your friend, just because she likes you like that, likes you a lot and cares for you as one of her very, very, very, closest friends, who she shares her emotional and intimate self with, and nothing more. 

Meredith Grey looks at you, in the bathroom of Seattle Grace Hospital, sitting on the floor next to discarded chocolate doughnuts, like she wants to give you this as a gift, as your little secret, just this once today, just so you don’t die not knowing what kissing a girl feels like for you...

And you kind of want it, but you kind of don’t, because you know it wouldn’t be for real.

And you’re not totally sure or not sure if Meredith is actually going to kiss you, but you sort of feel the vibes that she wants to try to.

As if Meredith wants to give this part of her body to you, even if she says she still loves Derek, because she says she loves you as a friend, and that as a friend she loves you, too.

Meredith says to you, at that moment, that as her friend she wants to make you happy, and she thinks this might make you happy and she doesn’t really care what Derek thinks right now while she is here with you right now.

And you’re almost certain she is leaning in as you brace your back against the back of the bathroom door.

But then there is a bang on the bathroom door, the same one you are leaning on. And it rattles your eyes open and it causes both of you to shriek a bit.

It turns out it’s the parent of a 5-year-old who really needs the potty.

So you leap up and let the mom and kid through, and then you look at each other again with wide eyes and many questions and no answers.

But your staring is interrupted too, by Bailey finally finding Meredith as she pulls out her stethoscope and expertly lies to her to tell her that you’d helped her find it in the bathroom.

And Bailey sighs and says “Okay, Grey, go and see the patient, now.”

And then Bailey eyes you and says “Addison, there’s another consult waiting for you in the ER.”

And those are in different directions so you nod at Bailey and look back longingly at your very, very, very close friend Meredith Grey.

And you’re almost sure from her expression that she really was about to kiss you even though it would be cheating on Derek Shepherd.

And you’re so bewildered that you hate yourself for not being sure if you’re more disappointed or relieved that kissing Meredith Grey in the bathroom never happened, today, for you both, after chocolate doughnuts, after all.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. As she can’t stop licking her lips and picturing what Meredith’s would have tasted like wrapped around hers, laced with chocolate icing from the donuts that you both had shared.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

*

****** **END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

So, what do you think about this, folks?  
  


How do you feel about Meredith wanting to kiss Addison, out of compassion for her friend, while she is seeing Derek?

  
How do you feel about Addison's conflicted feelings about wanting it but also not wanting it?

LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS!

This was a special chapter to write.

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 1 subscription, 133 hits so far. 92 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 546 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 323 reads, 18 comments, and 120 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. A new Chapter of this is up! #44: **[Falling Apart, Barely Breathing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)**

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	26. Second Person, Twenty-Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You ask her why. She answers you. You talk about it more.
> 
> -Addison Montgomery
> 
> In her personal diary.

* * *

** Second Person, Twenty-Six **

* * *

You ask her why. She answers you. You talk about it more.

You ask Meredith Grey why she almost kissed you and her reasons are about the same as what you thought they might have been.

Meredith says that ‘as a friend she loves you, and she wants the first time you kiss a woman for it to be someone who really loves you’ and that’s why she offered to kiss you that time in the bathroom.

You think about this for a second, and you realize this is the first time she's said to you she loves you, even just as a friend.

And you don't hesitate to say it back. You tell Meredith Grey, that "as a friend, I love you, too," and this seems to melt her heart a little, but again, just as your friend.

You ask if she would still kiss you. For the reasons that she mentioned. She says she still would, but only if you ever want her to, of course. 

And then you ask if she would have asked you that the last time and she says she was about to.

You’re relieved she said right away she would not have kissed you without asking your permission first. 

Meredith seems to sense your relief and she promises she was only about to press your foreheads together before talking.

You imagine the talking now. Foreheads touching. Whispers in the air.

You think that it would feel nice. Really nice to be that close to Meredith. And even nicer for Meredith to kiss you.

But you don’t want to kiss her now. Not only because the moment is over. But because you’ve thought about it more.

You want Meredith to be better than you. She’s already stronger than you are. You want her to be happy with Derek, and not be a cheater again, ever, not even for one friendship kiss with you so you can be kissed for the first time by a girl who loves you - even if that means you never get to kiss her, at all, and ever.

You don’t want to take that intimacy from Meredith, not if it takes even a tiny piece away from her. You know she might get something out of kissing you, too, but you would be using her more than the other way around.

And you know that’s how you felt when Mark gave sex to you. That you were taking something away from him and he was taking something away from you. 

And you know you felt dirty and raw afterward and you imagine that he did, too, even if he asked you for it first. 

And you never, ever want to feel that way about Meredith, or for Meredith to feel that way for you.

So you say 'no' to Meredith, about the kissing, _(the kissing with her,_ _like this, while she is still with Derek)_. You say you don’t feel up to it today, and you don’t have to explain why to her at all...

Because she lays a gentle hand on your lips before you can start to justify it. And she just smiles and understands and says “of course, Addie, as I said, I only would if you fully wanted me to...”

You don’t know when she started calling you that, but you never want her to ever stop.

You say “thanks, Mer, for understanding. And also for being willing to kiss me as a friend. The fact that you would seriously offer, is far more than enough for me, from you....”

Meredith smiles are you smile back even brighter. You don't know if it's at your nickname for her or your other words. You don't care; It’s wonderful to make her smile, and just being there next to her so close. 

You want to feel some part platonic of her, at least. You tuck your head under Meredith’s chin and she nuzzles you into her neck.

You’re in your car again. This time you went for chocolate chips. Like the kind that you put in cookies, a big pack of semisweet ones from an organic fair trade store.

They were cheaper by the pound than the bars were, and they ended up being more fun to eat as well.

This time you both sought each other out, simultaneously, after your near-miss in the washroom.

You both needed comfort. You both needed to talk. You both needed to escape. You both wanted to leave Seattle Grace Hospital immediately. You both wanted chocolate. You both went looking for each other at the exact same time...

The in-sync timing thing with Meredith proved to be better than you imagined. You weren’t busy and she wasn’t busy. This time you weren’t really in a crisis, either of you.

This time there was no crying, there was just some cuddling. You snuggling into her lap, this time falling into the passenger seat of your jet-black Mercedes.

You’re parked behind the store now so no one can see you snuggling. 

Meredith makes a half-joke about people seeing if you stayed out front and they might be thinking you are giving her a blow job.

But then, you say she has nothing to ‘blow’ because you’re only with boys when you do that. And then she laughs and asks if you have ever heard of strap-ons.

You say you have not and she giggles and explains they’re a sex toy that one person straps onto themselves to penetrate the other.

You bury your head into her lap as she says this because you’re flushing with embarrassment.

You are imagining how heavenly that must feel, to have someone inside you as an extension of their body, but it not ever be a living phallus.

God, you want to try that someday; even if you never think it’ll happen with Meredith Grey. But holy shit if it did you’d probably orgasm in two seconds...

You realize you’re gripping into her legs now, and that your fists are tight in a ball. You consciously unclench then and relax into her gentle touch.

She’s stroking your back in gentle circle patterns and it’s soothing you almost to sleep. “Do you want to fall asleep here?” Meredith asks you in case you don’t.

Meredith always asks you want you to want, and she really really means it. And you love it because it makes you trust her. She’s showing that she cares, and you show you care when you answer her.

You say you really do want to sleep for a little bit, only if that’s okay with her. And she says yes and sets an alarm for a few hours when you both have to be back at work. And she asks if you want her to rub her temples as you did for her.

And you’re a bit surprised that she remembered that, but also not that surprised at all. And you say yes because you want her to, and she is offering, and there’s nothing PG-Or-Plus-Rated about that.

So you turn over from your head in her lap and you let her see your face. She is still not crying and you are still not crying. And neither of you needs to.

You just feel light and airy, once you finally talked through what you needed to with each other. And you let the sweet sugar taste of the chocolate you ate lull you back asleep as you feel Meredith move her beautiful and dainty and delicate surgeons hands up upon your face.

You could stay awake, just to hear her breathing. You do for a little while, But you don’t forever. eventually a sweet sleep follows, and she tells you when you wake up that you were smiling as you were sleeping, while you were far away, dreaming...

It’s a bit before the alarm was supposed to go off, so you just stay there and cuddle for a while. You’ve always really liked cuddling. Even with a friend, just cuddling. Well, that’s all you’ve ever known. But you've always really liked cuddling and you especially like Meredith Grey cuddling you, the most.

The cuddling with Mark and Derek post-sex or pre-sex or no-sex was just probably friend cuddling to you because you didn’t care for the heterosexual sex part. You think now, upon reflection, you married Derek because he was your best friend and you were his.

You ‘did it’ with him, Derek, because that was expected of you, and you didn’t get all the hype about sex until that fateful day with Mark talking about sex that had two women.

But you don’t want to think about all of that again now. You just want to stay here, bright and shiny. You see that Meredith seems bright and shiny, too. You imagine it’s because you made the decision for her that she was mulling over.

Namely the one about whether or not she was going to do something with you that would leave her a filthy whore like her mama, again. You never bring that up, though, because you know that the subject quite upsets her.

You know a lot about Meredith Grey now, all the things she likes and dislikes. You could almost write a handbook and log them all for someone else.

You wonder why Derek or Mark have never noticed you are always off eating chocolate together. You wonder why Cristina and Callie have never said anything about it, either. You wonder why none of the other doctors, friends, acquaintances have ever caught you already, sneaking off from Seattle Grace.

Not that you’re doing anything wrong by spending time together. Now everyone knows you are friends and the drama seems to have washed over. You don’t need your chocolate outings to be a secret, because you’ve made the executive decision together that nothing sexual will happen on these car escape excursions anyway.

But you like it to be just for the two of you, and you start to wonder if she likes that, too. Meredith always keeps your secrets and you know you will always keep hers. 

But you wonder if she likes to have something of you that is only her to know. Its... Just the way she seems to cherish you back that you cherish her, or at least she's damn good to pretend she does, but you don't really think it could all be just fake.

You sometimes start to feel too hopeful, that she could someday see you as more than just her friend. The maybemaybemaybe is always eating at your brain...

You fall asleep again, smiling as you doze off in the car on the drive back to the hospital. You're not in the driver's seat, of course. You're in the passenger's seat and you barely register Meredith asking for your keys.

You only realize this has happened fully once Meredith soothes you awake with her thumb gently brushing your cheek.

“Addison, we’re here now,” she says to you ever so softly. You could spend your life in this sweet surrender. You could stay lost in this moment, forever. Every moment you spend with her is a moment you treasure...

She’s right though, you both have work. But you realize that this time she must have used your keys to drive you in your car back to the hospital to let you sleep longer. How she managed to maneuver you into your seat and buckle you in without waking you up completely out of your half sedated state is a mystery that will always be a mystery to you both.

Meredith must have known you were exhausted, and that you would wake up exhausted, as you know you have to face the music now with Derek and Mark about the unborn baby that you gave up a few months ago.

And Meredith can see the dread forming in your eyes because she runs her hands over your head to massage out your temples again... “It’s okay, you’ll be okay. You’re okay," she says, and it's exactly what you need to hear right now. 

"You did nothing wrong. Whatever they say to you, you did nothing wrong. I’ll tell them both that myself, even though you don’t need me to stand up for you. I will though because you’re right to do what you need with your own body, and you always will be...”

The way Meredith talks to you now, you know you’ll be okay- 

As long as she’s still the friend who would be willing to kiss you if you wanted but you don’t. 

As long as she’s the friend who will stand up to you to her boyfriend and his best friend even if she tells you, you don’t need it. 

As long as Meredith is still going out for chocolate with you, holding you.

As long as she is while wearing that ring of yours that never leaves her finger...

As long as you can have Meredith Grey in your life like this, even if you never get to see her want you back as more, you know you’ll be okay. 

No matter what, you'll be okay, you'll be okay... Right?

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. As she looks up the song “I don’t want to miss a thing,” by Aerospace. Because the words got stuck in your head and you think it was playing on the radio while Meredith had her hands gently upon your head.

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****** **END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX**

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_Author's Note:_

Was this a good resolution to the angst and anticipation of the last one?

How do you think the next one will go down?

Are you enjoying this so far? If so, what are your most favorite parts of these paste 26 Chapters???

This was a special chapter to write, along with the last one.

Take care!

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 1 subscription, 139 hits so far. 94 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 602 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 338 reads, 20 comments, and 123 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. A new Chapter of this is up! A MerAdd sexy chapter:

####  [Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515210)

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	27. Second Person, Twenty-Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark. Derek. Addison. Meredith. Long ago, the four people lived together in harmony. But then, everything changed, when Derek and Mark finally attacked. They attacked you with their words like knives for ‘killing their baby without ever telling them’. They both gang up and blame you for it. Even though it was only, sort of really Mark’s baby. It was sort of really Derek’s business at the time, too, though.
> 
> -Addison Montgomery
> 
> In her personal diary.

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** Second Person Twenty-Seven **

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Mark. Derek. Addison. Meredith. Long ago, the four people lived together in harmony. But then, everything changed,when Derek and Mark finally attacked. They attacked you with their words like knives for ‘killing their baby without ever telling them’. They both gang up and blame you for it. Even though it was only, sort of really Mark’s baby. It was sort of really Derek’s business at the time, too, though.

Because it was still an adulterous love child. Or a non-love child. Whatever. You don’t care.

Either way they call you a bunch of names that don’t end with McHot as the interns call you sometimes when they think you cannot hear.

(Actually, it's only really Alex Karev that calls you McHot sometimes. You think he has a thing for you, but either way, it's not Meredith Grey saying it, at all...)

From Mark and Derek there are many choice nicknames. McBitch. McBitchy. Satan. Adulterous Whore. Red The Slut. The Passive-Agressiva-Queen. 

All of it is supposed to be breaking you down. And this time you mostly only have the memory of Meredith’s comforting words to build you back up again.

You don’t know how she does it. Meredith, that is. How she walks this fine tightrope of placating her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s best friend while still making you feel that you matter as something more than for them.

Meredith does though. She makes you feel worthy of something. Friendship. Kindness. Grace?

She can’t offer you forgiveness because it’s not her forgiveness to give. But she forgives you, at least, she says, for what you’ve done to her when you walked through the doors of Seattle Grace.

When you walked in that fateful day long ago, to Derek saying he’s sorry to Meredith for your utter existence as if it’s you who’s the problem and not his behavior. Which you suppose you can’t blame him for, either. Because it's tit for tat, right?

(Ha- of course, you would think ‘tit’)

Even though it’s not like that.

Well, it sort of is, but only inside your head.

Only when you saw this gorgeous blonde waiting for him and you wanted to meet her.

Only when you heard her name and it sounded pretty.

Only when you went to shake her hand and already felt sparks.

They can insult you to pieces and it still hurts even though you’re over them.

Meredith can tell that you’re hurting but she doesn’t risk approaching you when Derek or Mark could be lurking.

You don’t hate or for that, and you don’t want her to end up getting hurt for your sins, anyhow.

But as it turns out, you might not be the only one to fall pregnant with an adulterous love child. 

Meredith has been throwing up for weeks now, and you try not to notice. But it’s hard when it’s your expertise and you always see her run off to the washroom as you still sometimes go off to eat chocolate together.

She tells you she has the worst stomach bug ever. She says it's still going on. You take care of Meredith when she is sick and with you and you now keep Gatorade and vegetable soup permanently stocked up in your office.

Sometimes she comes to find you when she feels really, really, really, unwell. You hope to think that it’s not her subconscious knowing what you do and that she’s in, on paper, the best hands there is.

It’s sort of true, not to brag, but you’re the only OB-GYN in her friend sphere. But she hasn’t talked to you about pregnancy so you’re not sure if she imagines that’s what it is.

She’s screeching in pain though, sometimes. And when Meredith finally starts screaming how much it hurts, you tell her she probably needs to be admitted to the hospital, to be examined professionally.

Meredith nods at you weakly. She’s pale and riddled with sweat. Your excursions have turned mostly into her hiding out with you in your office, drinking tiny sips of fluids and needing a banana bag in her arm for when it gets really, really, really, bad.

(You’ve started to stockpile those for your office, as well).

Meredith tells you she thinks it’s still just a virus. Or the flu. Or maybe some sort of parasite? But you know that she’s grasping at straws here. She’s not lying to you- not on purpose, anyway.

She’s saying what she desperately wants to believe is really true. Meredith doesn’t want to think she could be with child. So she rationalizes all the other explanations.

You get it. You get it better than anyone. You told everyone you had food poisoning for three months when it happened to you.

She doesn’t ask you to page Derek when she’s in a patient room with a plastic bracelet on her arm and she’s been assigned a chart.

So you don't, even though you tell Meredith it's only a matter of time before he finds her out, anyway.

Meredith is technically your patient, because of the nature of what you do, and you’re grateful at least it gives you some reason to be hanging out.

You can’t be around always, so sometimes you send Mark Sloan in, instead, to keep her company as another friend, at least.

Meredith greets him with a bright-eyed “McSteamy!” And he says to her, all the time... “How is my favorite dirty mistress!” But it’s a kind thing, now. That’s their little joke between them.

You begged Mark to be nice to Meredith for you, even if he wasn’t ready to be your friend again after what happened.

He said yes, and you are sort of thinking it’s because he misses having a female friend to really talk to, and you know from experience what a good friend she is.

It makes you jealous when Mark spends some more time with Meredith. It makes Derek jealous too, you can still tell when he’s jealous after all of these years. Whatever. Derek will get over it. Mark is not going to screw his new girlfriend after all. 

Meredith promised you this. And you made Mark promise you this. It was the last thing he promised you before he mostly stopped talking to you at all for two months.

You want to just hop into bed and snuggle all of Meredith’s pain away. But you’re officially her doctor now. So you actually can’t.

And people walk by all the time and you are afraid of what other people would say.Mostly because you like your most emotionally intimate friendship to be sacred with only her, still.

And you like the idea of her wanting to spend time away, as an escape with you, not in front of all of your mutual friends and also enemies. 

One time you walk by and you see Meredith Grey holding onto that ring in her finger. It wasn’t your suggestion. It might not even be her intension.

But she’s holding onto your old ring like she’s been holding on to you. And you’re holding onto a whole scrapbook of RiteAid receipts and business cards from all the chocolate you shared like you were holding onto her, in return.

You hide that book of Meredith memorabilia along with your diary far up on the bookshelf with your diary. Whenever you see Derek visit Meredith in her patient room, you walk away quickly.

She hasn’t told him she might be actually pregnant yet. You hope to God for her sake if she really is 'with child' that it’s his- because you know from experience what having a kid with someone you’re not currently dating is like.

It would probably technically still be an adulterous love child because it could be very well from before you and Derek got a divorce. 

But either way, no matter that, no matter how much you hate this situation... You still hope if Meredith is pregnant that it’s Derek’s and not anyone else’s.

Your ex-husband is a good man. He could be a decent father, for the most part, you think. 

And you don’t want to think of Meredith having screwed yet another person who was not you while dating Derek.  Not when you turned down a chance at kissing her just to not make her a cheater. 

But you banish the thought again. Because even if Meredith is a cheater on her own time, you still wouldn’t want her to add you to a hypothetical list of people other than Derek she’s kissing on. (Which, you know probably doesn't exist, but you still think about that, sometimes as you lie awake at night.)

Even if you can’t be part of a solution all of the time, you won’t be a proponent of more of Meredith’s problems.

You’re waiting on the results of the pregnancy tests and bloodwork to come back. You put a rush on her labs. You can do this because you are an Attending.

You put on your bravest face and you ask the technician for the file for Doctor Meredith Grey. You still call her that because she’s earned it even while being a patient.

You wait for ages for him to file it, and for you to get it back, and for you to sign for it.

Normally you let an intern run your labs, but you’d never trust anyone, not even the chief, or even Miranda Bailey, with these specific ones.

You want to deliver Meredith Grey’s fate directly to her even if the last thing you ever give her is the honest bad news.

Because you want to be there in the moment her life either changes or doesn’t.

But of course, even a negative pregnancy result at this point... 

Would probably change her life, anyway.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. This time she is waiting on the labs to come back and hiding away in the janitor's closet nearest to the technician desk. She doesn’t notice it’s ironic she’s literally hiding inside a closet.

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****** **END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN**

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_Author's Note:_

Heya friends, yes there is more :D.

So, I've started storyboarding this one, so I'm going in a direction, at least.

That could all change in an instant though, as any story can.

Let me know your thoughts on this plotline, and where you'd like to see it go on from here.

A few people have expressed that just the MerAdd friendship with unrequited love is really nice and powerful.

A few people have expressed they want MerAdd to get together eventually.

Many people have just left notes saying they want more and I love that, too.

Cannot wait to hear your reactions. 

Take care!

bobbiejelly

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 1 subscription, 152 hits so far. 98 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 646 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 348 reads, 21 comments, and 129 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Two new MerAdd fics are up:

####  [New Honeymoon In Hawaii](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24332758)

####  [Pillow Talk Buzzkill](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24328693)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	28. Second Person, Twenty-Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don't look at Meredith Grey's test results when the technician finally hands them to you. You want to wait to know when Meredith knows with you at the exact same time. You want to be together with her for this, even if whatever this paper says means that it's last time you two will ever talk.  
> -Addison Montgomery  
> In her personal diary.

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**Second Person, Twenty-Eight**

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You don't look at Meredith Grey's test results when the technician finally hands them to you. You want to wait to know when Meredith knows with you at the exact same time. You want to be together with her for this, even if whatever this paper says means that it's last time you two will ever talk.

You want to buy her chocolate first, the honey and nut kind she likes from the gift shop that you get from time-to-time when she's not well enough to go on a road trip.

You figure the motion sickness just makes her nausea worse, and sometimes, as you mentioned before, she can hardly stomach the chocolate. But it's the thought that counts, and the tradition, really. So you always get chocolate, both of you do, because that's you're thing; it's how you spend time together.

You want to make this special, so you want to go get a bow or something to put on the Toblerone.

But you don't sneak by her room without her spying you first, so you end up just going in without any chocolate for her, at all. You hope this isn't a sign that this is all soon going to be over, in the worst of ways, and that the pattern will cease to exist...

"Addison! Doctor Montgomery-Shepherd!" Meredith called out from her hospital bed.

Addison you close your eyes and you take a deep breath before entering the room with her results.

"You bellowed Doctor Grey.." you say, pretending to be busy, but you know she knows you much better than that.

"Hi," Meredith says. It's all she says and it's really heartbreakingly adorable.

"You certainly are, aren't you.." you respond, gesturing to the nurse for Meredith's chart which you flip through the page until you paste in the lab report to the back cover.

"But you're not pregnant," you conclude from the notes and you realize this as you're saying it out loud to Meredith.

"No." Meredith pauses as she says this in relief, before asking you what she really called you in the room for, after all.

"Are you okay?" Meredith Grey asks you, and you're stunned that she wants to console you as her pain is through the roof and her life is in crisis.

She must have read a look in your face again, and you're not sure you like that she can see through you like glass, but at the same time you would never trade it for anything.

"Fine," you pause a minute, before asking her a slightly different question: "How are you?"

"I'm trying to choose between two people," Meredith sighs before you cut her off immediately.

You don't want to hear about her cheating on Derek.

You don't want to hear her talk about being in love with someone else who isn't you.

You don't want to talk to her about her love problems with your own damn ex-husband.

You don't want to hear her talk about boys or girls or people she wants to date.

You don't want to hear her talk about people 'throwing their hat in the ring' for her, not while you can't and won't throw yours in her ring, and not while she's still wearing your physical ring as a reminder she loves you, too, as much as she loves him, maybe, even _but just as a friend_.

"Well, okay, good luck with that," you deadpan as you head to walk out the door.

Meredith's voice stops you with a question as you reach the damn doorjamb.

"How did you know Derek was the one?" She asks you this casually, and you realize she's never asked you about this before.

You spin back around on your high heels and you almost take a tumble by how fast your physical and mental world is all spinning.

"Excuse me?" You ask, and it comes out more menacing than you would normally talk to any patient, much less one you're in love with, and who is one of your very best friends...

"I know you hate me and all," Meredith begins and your eyebrows arch because you wonder why the hell on earth she could think you could hate her.

Even if you hate her sometimes, secretly, because you know that she doesn't love you 'like that' right back.

"And you don't owe me anything… nothing.. no thing.. what was I saying?" Meredith keeps rambling on, not noticing the inner monologue that's running all through your head.

You roll your eyes. You're not mad at her in her drugged-up state, you're just mad that you have to say his name for her, over again.

"Derek," you prompt, and this seems to help Meredith remember.

Idly, your mind flashes to how her mother is sick, and you feel a pang in your heart for her, as you imagine her sitting in front of her shell of a mother.

You picture her introducing herself to her own mom, as she calls her a nurse or a doctor or someone else from her past.

You want to be there for her through that, even more than you already are, but you have no idea how that could ever pan out...

"Oh right" Meredith says, pausing until you look back into her eyes. "I would know if he was the one right? I mean you knew, right?"

Meredith is looking at you and you know she's really high as a kite! Because you know she knows your divorce was because you didn't want a man in the first place.

But she's looking at you intently, and her question still has not changed. And then you realize she's still asking, because you did pick him for some reason, even just as your best friend.

So you start to try to remember why you picked Derek Christopher Shepherd as your best friend you trusted enough to marry. And you begin to answer, hoping the drugs will make her forget it all, anyway.

"I didn't know.." you fumble for every word "Derek's the kind of guy... I just knew he wouldn't hurt me. Not on purpose anyway. Not the way I hurt him."

You realize you're answering honestly and you've never told anyone this before, not Derek, not Mark, not Callie. You never knew until you said it that it was true.

Meredith keeps talking, and you just watch her speak, stuttering less than you even though you're stone-cold sober and she's stoned out of her mind.

"He hurt me, you know when he chose you... Even though you didn't take him back... Because, you know..." Meredith trails off again.

She does that a lot when she's high. You find it sweet, actually. Not that you'd ever want to get high with Meredith. You don't like getting high, personally. But that's way far beyond the point...

Meredith looks down at her hands, you notice she's looking at her/your ring and holding it, willing you to finally start speaking again. You do.

You start saying thins to Meredith. You're saying a lot of things. You're doing a lot of things. You're making the most of this moment- because you know it might be the last you'll ever share with her, this way.

"I should have let him go," you start to announce to Meredith as if this weren't obvious in the first place.

"I should have stepped aside, been a better person…" You say this and you see she wants to say something to you but you keep going before she gets a word in edgewise.

You figure she was going to cut in, you figure Meredith was going to defend you, to you. You figure Meredith wanted to tell you you're a 'good enough' person, that you're good enough, and that 'good enough' is already enough for her, as your friend it's enough for her, for you to be just 'good enough', even if you never think you're 'good enough' for yourself, or that you'll ever be 'good enough' for her or for anyone else.

"I should have done a lot of things," you say, and it's the closest thing you've ever said about regretting not picking her out loud like you've been tempted to, but would never do to hurt her chances with Derek.

"Me too." Meredith agrees "A lot of things."

You have no idea what the fuck she is thinking.

But you imagine she's not implying what you just implied in your words.

You don't let yourself think that, even as she twirls her/your ring, the friendship ring, your little connection, over and over in your hand and you know it hasn't left her left hand since you gave it to her, that day, and slid it onto her delicate finger.

"I don't hate you," you conclude, because it's the closest thing you're gonna say to 'I love you' while she's in a medically inebriated morphine stupor.

"How come we've never talked like this before?" Meredith asks, and you know she's asking about 'why we never talked about our mutual Derek, or why you loved him, or why I loved him, or why we never talk about relationships, even though we are really close friends...'

You know she's asking you because she sort-of wants to. It feels like the last thing you two have never talked about with each other.

You've shared every other qualm under the sun except about boys and girls and people, in general, you 'like-like, like that'.

You realize she wants to know because she wants to share every possible inch of her friendship with you.

And you want to give her this, too. But you know you can't with her, not again. You can't slip up with her, like this, again.

Because you know if she asks you, with her big baby blue eyes, that you'll confess your love for her, to her, the 'more than a friend' love you've been holding close to your chest for so long.

And you don't want her to know that even if there's the faintest possibility she might like-like you back (she is bisexual, and she did come out to you, and she did offer to kiss you and all...)

But you don't want her to know while she is still dating Derek. Because you're not going to say 'pick me, choose me, love me,' to her.

You're not going to force a choice she might not want to make.

You're not going to throw your hat in her metaphorical ring.

You're not going to take the shot she might never talk to you again if you speak. Even if you know you miss all the shots you don't take. You're not going to take this shot, because if you miss and she doesn't want you 'like that' or she wants you 'like that' without having to leave Derek or she wants you 'like that' maybe and she strings you along...

You're not going to wait around, pitted against your ex-husband, an inverse of your love triangle, at the bar drinking yourself under the table as you wait for her to never show up for you at all.

"The only reason we're talking like this now, is because, I know you won't remember any of it when the drugs wear off." You almost shout this at her, even if your voice is hardly above a whisper.

You say this and she doesn't talk for a while. And you don't talk for a while. And then Meredith Grey reaches her arm out for you.

She says she knows she's high but she's still in pain even with all the morphine.

She says she knows she can hardly talk straight but she wants to keep talking to you.

She says she knows she can hardly think straight but she wants you to come closer to cuddle with you.

You tell her it's really not a good idea, at all, given what a state that she's in.

Meredith whines for you to come to hold her hand, or crawl onto her hospital bed, or for you to spoon her and lay beside her, tucking her into your arms.

She knows you've snuggled close before, it's not like there's anything wrong with friends lying next to each other, and just on a bed.

She knows you're gay and she's kinda some kind of gay and yet you still promised each other you wouldn't kiss while she's still with Derek.

But you know it's a slippery slope to hold her like this. You can't let her have you like this. While your heart is beating out of your chest.

You can't let her use you as a blanket when she's got a perfectly fine boyfriend to be keeping her warm.

You can't let her bury her face into your arm when she has your ex-husband she's picked, chosen and loved, for her to be by her side.

So even though it kills you to end this moment, that could be the last of your moments, that you get to share with her like this...

You turn her down for the snuggles, as you turned her down for the kissing like you never admitted your feelings aloud.

You say you wish it didn't have to be this way, that you wish you could give her more, and Meredith says she believes you.

And then you say you'll send Derek in for her, and you think you hallucinate the wince that forms on her face when you say her boyfriend's name to her.

"He has to know, you know. He has to know you're not pregnant from him and he needs to know the truth from you, you know," you offer and she nods because it's the truth.

You say you'll see her after her appendectomy, you know it was just a random occurrence, after all, no fault of his or yours or anyone else's.

You tell her you'll still bring her chocolate, then, if she still wants it from you, and she nods, at this moment, to say she still wants you as her friend.

You reassure her you wanted to bring her chocolate this time, with a pretty red bow. And she laughs and just says she can't eat it anyway now, and you laugh too because you realize she is right.

You laugh together, just like the first time you laughed together, only this time no one is stubbing their toe.

Derek is not there. Mark is not there. No one else is there with you both.

Just Meredith Grey and Addison Montgomery, laughing together, at an inside joke.

And you decide you'll hold onto this moment, in case she leaves you as a friend after this. You'll remember, and you'll make it be enough for you, after all, and forever.

You wonder who the hell her second potential suitor could be. She doesn't ask you not to tell Derek about him/her, but she knows that you won't and you would never tell anyone about something like this, from her, anyway.

You leave her be, telling her to page you if she needs you as an actual Doctor, but that George is doing her appendectomy because you're a baby doctor.

She says she's glad she doesn't need you for your specialty in neonatal/fetal as your surgical specialty.

You nod and you say to Meredith that you understand.

But then she says to you "I wish it was your hands in and on my body, you know because I think your hands on me and inside of me would be fantastic... Much better than 007... Even though I know because you're there and Bailey is there and Richard is there and all my friends might be there that I won't die on the table... I wish it was gonna be you..."

Your eyes fly open and wide and darken despite yourself as you hear her say to you, even probably by accident, that she thinks 'your hands on me and inside of me would be fantastic'.

You try very hard not to take this as some sort of double-entendre, or euphemism, or sexual innuendo.

You try very hard not to combust on the spot from the images that flashed through your mind that you might go to Hell for, for thinking of, of your current patient.

You try very hard not to show that you're reddening, and blushing, and flushing out of control.

Instead, you don't answer Grey about that. You tell her you don't want to talk about that while she is still hopped up on morphine, and if she wants to talk to you more she can do it once she recovers from surgery and she sobers up.

Meredith starts to whine and protest, but you don't fall for her pout.

You leave and say "goodbye for now" and "see you soon" and "good luck, Meredith, stay strong," with your back turned to her as you really do exit the room.

You don't turn to look back at her, because you know she will read your mind.

You don't think about how you have to send Derek in now, and how she could tell him all the things she said to you about wanting surgeon hands, on and inside of her body.

And that he'd have every right to say dirty, lusty, flirty things back to her, as a boyfriend and as her sexual and romantic partner.

You almost trip on Derek as you bump into him on the way.

"Were you just talking to Meredith?" he says as more as a question than a statement, half-surprised but more 'not' that you were. You are her doctor, after all, you can always remind him.

"Yeah," you say more wistfully than you might have liked to, as you look at the floor.

"What?" He asks you, as you compose yourself and look up to meet him in the eye for the first time in this conversation, with him.

You shake your head as you swallow hard, and you finally form words...

"Don't, ah-" you start and you realize you're still stuttering. "Don't hurt her. Again."

You look down at the floor as his so-called-McDreamy-eyes swirl with shapeless emotions as you can tell he's trying to figure you out.

You don't let him diagnose you though, you don't let him know your guilty and shame, or your friendship and love.

You don't let him find out that you're gay, that you've been gay all along, and that you're in love with his girlfriend.

You walk away from Derek, and he walks in, to talk to Meredith. He walks in, you walk out. Everything is the same for all of you, as always.

You don't talk to Callie or Mark or anyone else for that matter. You sort of bump into Cristina on the way, and she asks if you are alright and you say "Meredith is okay".

And she doesn't correct that you're answer does not match her question but it seemed to be what she needed to hear from you, anyway.

So you push on past her, just like you pushed on past Derek and you push past anyone else who stands in your way.

You lock yourself in your office, rearranging the vegetable soup and Gatorade and IV fluids in case Meredith has a flare-up after her operation.

You sit down in your chair and hang your coat on the coatrack. And you put your head on your desk as you write in your diary.

You write in a pink pen this time. It's salmon-colored, the pen ink is, just like your old scrubs.

Meredith got it for you because she said you remind her of that color.

You don't know where she got it, but you know it's not from the gift shop or from the RiteAid because you looked at their pen racks and they have nothing to match it.

You keep this pen tucked in your diary, holding it and caressing it as if you were holding on to Meredith, herself.

You allow yourself to handle your keepsake as you open up the pages and fill in the last one with this entry.

You wonder if you could survive, on the very, very slim chance that Meredith Grey does not make it off of the O.R table.

You stop thinking about this at all, because you know you could live on if you had to, but that you would never be the same if that happened.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. As she waits to be paged to take Meredith Grey to the operating theater for her appendectomy, with Miranda Bailey as primary and George O'Malley as her first assist. You made the nurses page you and you squeezed in as a 'teacher'. You wonder why Miranda didn't look at you funny when she found out you wanted to be there. You guess she knows something is up with all the chocolate outings you snuck off with her, too. Meredith is her intern, and she is Bailey and she knows everything about everyone all the time, of course, she always does. You go super pale as you wonder if she already knows that you are in love with her...

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***** **END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT**

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_Author's Note:_

Transcript for the first part of the morphine scene was taken from "I'll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away" by StepIsInsanity on Ao3.

The rest was written from watching it over and over. God, such a good MerAdd scene. You really think Addie is in love with Mer from it, in canon...

Thanks for reading, friends. Who do you think Mer's super special secret surprising second lover might be? Any guesses? Do we think it's the vet...?

Leave me a note I'll laugh at each of your guesses! This one was storyboarded yesterday and I was so excited to write it, hope you like how it all turned out.

Ps. If you didn't notice the last entry was a direct parody of the opener of "Avatar: The Last Airbender" the good cartoon version, well, it is. (Thanks, AddisonAddek. You're good people.)

Pps. THANK YOU FOR THE LOVELY REVIEWS I AM LITERALLY READING THEM AS I AM POSTING THIS NOW!

Ppps. Thanks for those who follow this one in particular. Who could imagine a phone-fic could be so much more? Wow!

_bobbiejelly_

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_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 1 subscription, 156 hits so far. 100 comments!

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 654 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 367 reads, 21 comments, and 132 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Two new MerAdd fics are up:

####  [New Honeymoon In Hawaii](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24332758)

####  [Pillow Talk Buzzkill](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24328693)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	29. Second Person, Twenty-Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The room is dead quiet as they operate on Meredith Grey.

* * *

**Second Person, Twenty-Nine**

* * *

The room is dead quiet as they operate on Meredith Grey. You're not there as a surgeon, officially, but you are scrubbed in, anyway, in case there are, God, forbid any gynecological complications to her appendectomy, which seems unlikely, but you want to be ready at any time, anyway.

Your hands are shaking a bit. Your hands almost never shake in the O.R. Ever.

But your hands are shaking a bit now, and you sort of know why; it's Meredith Grey they are operating on.

She's the love of your life, you think, even if you never get to be any more than a best friend in hers.

Somehow it makes you both happy and sad to think that you'll never be able to get over her if she dies, and you'll never be able to find another partner to match up to what you've never even had with Meredith Grey.

You've had a great friendship in your life, and you know, that at least that part is mutual.

She said that as a friend she loves you, and you said that as her friend that you love her back.

It's enough for you to survive on and more. You're honored you get to be this close to her, even if you feel so, so, so far away from her at the same time...

You feel a hand on your shoulder. You want to pull back because you know it's not Meredith's.

Obviously it isn't Meredith Grey's hand because she's lying open on the table in front of you. But you know it isn't her hand just by the way it feels from behind you.

%%%

When Meredith has her hand on your shoulder, it feels like warm rain on a hot day.

When it's Meredith who lays a gentle hand out for you, her fingers feel like butter to melt on your skin and her fingertips feel like the icing on top of a cake and her touch sends you into euphoria at every hour of the day...

You know this is not Meredith because the hands feel brittle and worn, and they don't give you butterflies or any goosebumps or shivers. Thank God not.

This is Richard Webber, who is saying to you "are you alright, Addison? If you want to take a break you can, I understand if this one is hard for you…"

He's talking to you as if you might still be holding a grudge against the Grey girl for sleeping with your husband back before you ever met her.

You're glad he's talking with you like this because it means you know he does not know the actual truth.

You tell him you're fine, you want to stay where you are, you're just a bit dehydrated and you could use a glass of water.

%%%

Richard Webber gets it for you because he's always felt loyal because you never judged him for his own affair even if you knew about it, and because you're a good friend to his wife, Adele Webber.

Both of you used to bond because you felt neglected by your husbands who would never come home from work to watch 'real housewives' with you.

You felt like real housewives even though you both were successful career women in your own right. Adele is an excellent nurse and you were already a surgeon.

So you two would talk. You never had a crush on Adele Webber in the least bit, she was never more than a friend and you never wanted her to be. Of course you know now, she's not your type at all, no matter how lovely she is.

You were just friends with Adele, Richard's neglected wife through your fellowship from an unlikely place, and you vaguely sort of realizing that you met Meredith under sort of vaguely similar circumstances.

The wronged women of the world, uniting together from the lies of their lovers…

Miranda Bailey looks up from George's stitching once he successfully pulls on the purse strings without snapping them and gives you a 'thumbs up' of an expression.

You release the breath you didn't know you were holding as you know that now, Meredith Grey is more likely than ever to come out of this not only alive but alright.

It's a routine surgery; there's no need for you to be this freaked out.

%%%

You hope that Miranda Bailey chalks this up to be because you found out through Izzie or George or Alex or Cristina or something about why they used to call George '007'.

You had to ask someone because Meredith said that while she was on painkillers and you wanted to be sure it wasn't a drug thing.

They laughed at you when you mentioned that, and said that Meredith didn't do drugs that they knew of since they met her, not even weed, but that she did love tequila.

You note this in your inner list of things you know about Meredith and you focus up again on the look Miranda Bailey is giving you over George O'Malley's shoulder.

You realize it's something else, that she's pointing to George with her eyes.

You realize this is the first time you've been in the same room alone (because Richard is off getting you water) with her and George since the 'delivering Bailey's baby while Meredith is holding a bomb and her husband was on your then-husband's table' thing.

You see her nodding towards George and then you realize this is because you never thanked him for real, about helping with insisting on Bailey's treatment and you never apologized for the yelling.

So you do because he looks like he could use a confidence booster.

%%%

"George," you start with his first name to let him know you mean this as an equal…

"George, first I wanted to apologize for yelling the day of the explosion. I panicked because of all of the drama and I shouldn't have lashed out at you and I'm sorry. You were there for Bailey and I wasn't as good a doctor as I should have been," you say this and you mean it.

He knows, and he nods even though he doesn't turn because he is lacing stitches.

You tell him he's really calm under pressure, that he "could be great in an ER one day, or in a challenging, adrenaline-filled environment". You realize he would be an amazing trauma surgeon, but you don't suggest this so soon because it's too early for them to set their path in one place.

George smiles even as he stitches, and you turn your head back to Bailey who gives you a nod at both of your statements.

You nod at her back to thank her for 'bringing it up'.

You realize that you and Bailey have always also had some sort of understanding, as the most experienced female surgeons who have faced an amount of prejudice.

For her, it's her looks and for you, it's your past actions. Either way, she does empathize at least with the way some people snicker at female lead doctors as if you're 'not as good' as the men as doctors that they're expecting.

Bailey is always kind to you, and less stern to you as she is with the interns.

You're not exactly friends, but you're not exactly 'not friends' either.

She seems to know you and Grey have been hanging out a lot, though.

You can tell that, at least, by the way, she is studying you, because she must-see on your face that it's not 'hate', it's at least a friendship sort of love glazed over your eyes as you stare at Meredith Grey being closed up on the table.

%%%

George is almost done operating by the time Richard Webber comes back with a water bottle for you.

He holds it up as you sip it because your hands have to be sterile.

You feel like a child being nursed with a bottle and you try to banish the weirdness of the thought from your mind; he's just trying to help you, and this is the name of being sanitary, after all.

You drink the cool liquid and it pours down your throat. It feels nice to have it, even though as your lips touch the plastic you sigh because there are no traces of Meredith Grey's lips there from before yours.

There's obviously no traces of anyone else lips there before yours, either, because you saw Richard crack open the bottle himself for you.

You're watching George put in the final stitches for the Chief and for Richard to check over. Or, rather, for 'Richard The Chief' and 'Bailey The Resident Who Feels Like The Actual Chief' to check over.

Bailey was the one there the whole time, after all.

And you mean that in both senses of the words, the personal and the professional, as you will.

You mean it in that she's stayed faithful to her Tucker, her husband, her baby's father even as you think he's been a bit distant. And she's been there for the interns every step of the way and she's been here for Grey's surgery every moment today.

%%%

By contrast, Richard has not earned your trust as much, personally, or professionally. But he is a good man, mostly, and he's good for you, now.

So you let him feed you more water, even as you can see the interns looking on. Alex, Izzie, and Cristina and Callie are in the gallery now. Come to think of it, Preston Burke is in the gallery as well, sitting next to Cristina and Alex is sitting next to Izzie. Callie is sitting alone, just staring at George O'Malley.

You can see Preston Burke's lips moving to answer Cristina's questions about the surgery. The only people missing are Derek and Mark. You realize that Derek, as Meredith's 'significant other' is probably not allowed in the gallery and that Mark is probably comforting him.

You're glad that Mark and Derek are now sort-of-friends again, even if it took hating you for them to reconcile.

But you stop thinking about all those other people now. Because George has finished closing Meredith Grey up, and Bailey and Richard are inspecting the sutures.

And you're inspecting the sutures, making sure they will be staying still. You don't touch Meredith. You wouldn't feel right about it, somehow, even if it would be in a medical way.

You'd do it to save her, but that part is already over, and you touching her now wouldn't be on her stitches, it would be to feel the curve of her hairline and to smooth her hair out of her face.

And you don't do that for any patients, much less the ones you are in love with. Much less your ex-husband's ex-mistress, now-girlfriend.

So you just watch and nod as they prepare her very alive, just resting, body for the ICU.

You take a longing look at her as you watch her being wrapped up in blankets.

You think she looks beautiful like this, because she always looks beautiful, and now is no different than before.

You can't see any inappropriate skin and no one else can, that's not the point, the point is that you're staring at her because you 'can' stare at her as a 'doctor' and her 'friend' as you watch her be whisked out on a gurney.

%%%

You follow her all the way out until she is transferred, and then you stay by her side as you pull out a storybook from the Nicu they had left over so you can read to her.

You get through ten Doctor Seuss books before she starts to stir a little bit. Derek sees you waiting and asks you to page him when she ends up awake. You wonder why the hell he is not staying, and why he's still being comforted by Mark.

You rationalize it might be a 'because you were her doctor' thing, but you never quite figure all of it out.

Either way, you take it and you don't question it at all. Mark texts you halfway in, to see what's going on. You tell them (well, him, but you know Derek is still with Mark…), you tell them that she is doing fine, and she's not waking up yet just twitching a little.

Mark asks if you need anything, and you text him to bring you a Toblerone bar because you are hungry. You say it's for you and not her and he seems to believe you. They seem to believe you.

It's not Mark, though, it's Derek who arrives at Meredith's patient room door to see you doing the voices for 'The Cat In The Hat'.

You flush with embarrassment because even with 11 years of marriage and dating before that, he's never seen you read a book while 'doing the voices' before, much less to his slumbering unconscious girlfriend.

He doesn't look angry though, of course Derek wouldn't, because he knows you are friends now and he doesn't know you are gay and he doesn't know how you feel.

So when he walks in he just sits down and asks if you want to do a joint reading of 'One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish'.

You say yes even though you don't want him here but it would be rude to say no.

So he slides over a chair as you slide yours away from him and closer to Meredith. And then you open the book as he starts it all off… "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, black fish, blue fish, old fish, new fish..."

He lets you read the part next "This one has a little car. This one has a little star.

Say! What a lot of fish there are…"

%%%

You ask him which fish he thinks he would be. He can't decide for a while but then he says he wants to be the one with the star and you roll your eyes because he always thinks he is 'The Sun'.

He asks you which one you think you would be, and you say you'd be the 'old fish' because you're almost forty and you feel like you're only getting older and older.

He doesn't say something like 'you look young for forty', even though he looks like he wants to. He might have said that before you got a divorce. But you don't let him compliment you in front of his drugged-up girlfriend.

Because the last thing you need is for Meredith to wake up and tell you she heard her boyfriend hitting on you, his ex-wife, while reading her a storybook.

He says that he thinks Meredith would be the 'one with the little car' because her car is much smaller than his car is. You nod at this, even though in your head you think she would be the blue fish because her eyes sparkled big baby blue like the sky.

And also it was mentioned twice in the story so you know it's sort of the most important one. If Mark were here, he would have probably called you the 'red fish' because he always called you 'Red' for your hair.

But Mark isn't here and you don't know where he is and you don't ask Derek because you know if you bring up Mark to Derek he might talk to you about your dead unborn baby again.

So you just let him think that Meredith is the fish with the tiny car, even though your own car is probably smaller than hers is.

If she were awake now you think Meredith would know that and laugh about it with you, and you have no idea why Derek doesn't know this off by heart seeing as he's obviously been driven places by both of you at some point in Seattle.

%%%

Eventually Derek seems to notice that Meredith is not near waking up yet, so he says he's hungry and wants to get dinner and he asks if you want it. You say no because you don't want dinner from Derek, and he just grunts and says he's getting takeout with Mark.

You shrug and he asks if you're going to eat that chocolate he brought you. You say you'll eat it later and he accepts this and then he goes to leave before stopping right at the door.

"What?" You ask him, because you don't know why he is staring at you.

"Just…" Derek clears his throat and you're terrified he's going to say something like 'I know you're gay and you like my girlfriend so stay the fuck away from Meredith when she wakes up.'

But he doesn't, he just says to you something familiar 'Just don't hurt her… Don't hurt her, again."

And he walks away before you can ask how the hell you hurt her the first time, or maybe more than one time, and you think long and hard about what you did that hurt her the most…

%%%

You ruminate in your mind, as you put the storybook down and realize you are a bit hungry but you're never going to cave and ask Mark or Derek to bring you some food.

So you just drink more water and stare at Meredith now, as you realize this is the one time she is not wearing that ring of yours because she couldn't have it around the X-Ray machine.

You spy it on a table next to you, and you feel the instinct to put it on her finger again. But you don't, because you don't feel right about doing that.

In case she doesn't want it on her finger anymore, like she wants a break from wearing it, and wants a break from you.

You let it sit on the table as you let it sit in your mind, all the ways you could have caused her pain, all the ways you know that you did, and all the ways that you didn't…

You think about how you burst her bubble walking in through those doors.

You think about how you called yourself 'Addison Shepherd' even though you never called yourself that anymore.

You think about how you literally called her 'and you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband' and how that must have really broken her.

You think about how you sort of hated her on principle until you started liking her since the first day she was on your service, how you changed your mind somewhere along that day.

%%%

You think of how you said to her 'chin up, Grey, I'm tough on all of my students, not just the ones that my husband slept with'.

You think of how you also said to her 'good girl, you didn't go back to him' when she did not go back to him right away.

You think of how you also told her the truth about you cheating with Mark in front of a patient right away when they were all but calling her a slutty whore to her face.

All of these moments of past conversation float through your mind as you realize you started liking her somewhere along day one of working with her, even as you tried to hate her for seducing Derek in one day...

But you get it now, because she had seduced you in one day as well. You didn't know it then, but you knew it soon and even wrote about it in your diary about how you already thought you were in love all the way back then.

And if you thought you were in love then, that has nothing compared to how you feel for her, now.

After all those outings, office chats, stairwell conversations… You had been falling slowly since the minute you laid eyes on her and he called her Meredith. And you didn't know then but you certainly know how you were hooked at first sight…

She seems to be stirring now, she's starting to be waking up. You watch as she blinks her baby blue eyes open, and you decide to herself, that for her eyes along, that she is most certainly the blue fish…

%%%

She grumbles "mmmphmm" or something like that as she wiggles her toes and her muscles and wakes up as if she's been asleep for a decade.

You're extremely delighted when she sees you and she says "Addie, you're here!" Cheerfully, and when she doesn't ask right away 'where the hell is my Derek?'.

You say "hi" to her, and she laughs and you ask how she is feeling.

She says she feels better already, and you're extremely happy for her.

You ask if she needs anything and she melts your heart when she says "no, I just need you right now, just stay next to me because I just need you now…"

And you understand she just wants her friend by her side, so you nod and you say that you will. And you don't page Derek or anyone else you just sit next to Meredith for awhile.

%%%

She sees you starting to get hungry so she motions towards the Toblerone and says you can start it because her stomach is still not settled because of the morphine.

You feel bad about it but she can tell, and she says not to feel bad at all, that she would if she could and it's the thought that really counts.

So you unwrap (her?) chocolate bar, and you ask again if she's okay with you eating it. And she says next time she'll just buy one and not share with you if you feel all that bad about it.

And you laugh loudly at this because it's such a Meredith snarky thing to say.

And then you realize that, in saying this, that she's promising you that there will be at least one more 'next time' when she goes out searching for chocolate with you.

"I'm not going to stop wanting to get chocolate, Addie," Meredith says to you gently, when she sees your relief.

"I'm probably going to want it even more now that my stomach will be all healed right up!" Meredith finally exclaims.

And you try not to literally jump up for joy as you know by the look on her face that she's really saying to you 'I still want to be one of your very, very, very, close friends…'

"I'm glad," you say, and you let the weight of that sink in as you eat small bites of the chocolate to settle your stomach. It works well, but not as much as Meredith's words:

"I'm not going to not want to get chocolate with you, Addie, not because you're gay, or because you don't want to kiss me or you do but not while I'm with Derek, or because Derek or Mark might be mad at you. I still want to be your friend. I still want you in my life, Addison," Meredith finally says all in one breath.

%%%

You tear up at this admission, and it takes a minute before you register what she just said about you 'maybe wanting to kiss her, but not while she is with Derek'.

You hope this is all from the way you were talking about potentially kissing as friends the other day, and not something she's already known for a while about you…

"Are you gonna read me a story?" Meredith points to the books by her bed.

You don't tell her you've already read them all to her twice.

You just nod and bring the books over so she can pick one out for herself.

She picks 'The Cat In The Hat," and you start reading while doing the voices again.

You're endlessly relieved that Derek never walks in on you this time.

Meredith giggles every time you bring in a new 'accent' for a new character.

You exaggerate them more because they make her smile so wide.

She reads a few lines along when she can, but you can tell she is tired now.

Once you get to the end of the book, you put it down, and then she starts talking to you and saying "thank you, Addison," over and over, and softer and softer…

%%%

You move closer and closer because you can barely hear her. You're leaned in as she whispers and this seems to have been her intention because she strokes your hair back with her hand.

"Come snuggle with me?" She asks you. "Mer… I don't know if that's a good idea…"

You trail off because you don't know what to say to her. She says right away that "you're not really my doctor anymore, it's not a problem for me, you're not a burden to me and you never will be, no matter how much you might think you put your problems on me. And the door is closed and the windows are shut and you can put something noisy by the doors if you really don't want anyone to see before you or I am fully awake and upright!" Meredith rationalizes.

"Please? I really want to cuddle. I've been hurting and you make me feel better and I feel like I need a friend beside me right now, and I want it to be you and only you, as my friend, my chocolate-sharing friend who knows all my mommy and daddy and everyone problems and I just really need you to be my Addie with me…"

She's asking you again, and you know she really must need it because normally she never asks you for something you hesitate about the first time.

You want to crawl up with her because you're exhausted too; she was under the knife but you felt like you had a knife digging into you watching her surgery and every time the monitor beeped you thought something terrible was about to happen.

It made your adrenaline spike, but it is crashing now. And all you want to do is lay down. And she's asking you. She's pleading with you with her big baby blue eyes and your nickname and it's making you melt even more. And eventually you realize it might not be able to hurt, because it's pain relief for her and it's not like she or you is going to try something x-rated while she's just had an appendectomy…

"Come on Addison, we've snuggled before and after we talked about the kissing. I'm not going to try something like that with you, and I already know that you won't with me…"

Meredith seems to know what to say to make you feel right about this.

"Look, we snuggle all the time in your car or my car or in your office, but we can't go to any of those places now because I'm not allowed to move, but you are, and you can come up and sit with me and lie down if you want to. You look like hell you're so tired and I just want to feel better and to let you rest a litte with me…" Meredith keeps pleading with you.

You've never seen her beg this hard before, for you. You've never seen her want something so much because you realize she has no idea if you're going to give her a 'yes' or 'no'.

You realize by making her wait for you to say 'yes' that you're hurting her, and her body is already in pain.

And you don't want to hurt her more, you want to take her pain away…

%%%

"Okay, for a little while, I will stay, because I can tell you really want and need me to, and you are my friend and I will do that for you, of course!" You finally smile up at her, and you sit on the bed, and she uses every ounce of strength she has to move you next to her on the pillow and help you lay down beside her.

You sit close, then closer, and then she tucks herself right into you, to hold you close, because she needs to feel you close to her, for her, too. And it's just the thing you both need, and you feel relieved that she asked you for it because you never would have asked her for this, but she was right it was what you needed too, from her, all along, just to have your body held be a friend... 

You realize you've never laid in a bed together before, you've just curled up in a car or on the couch in your office a few times while she was feeling really, really, really ill. You realize that this might lead to bad things happening, but she's giving you a look that says 'I promise I won't try anything stupid with you…' And you smile as the simple platonic touch from Meredith mends your soul.

And now she's nodding at you, and she's tucking you under the covers as she tucks herself under the covers with you. And she's laying her head on your chest so you don't go away. And she's wrapping her arms around you. And you find yourself wrapping your arms around her right back.

You wait until she's asleep, or so you think, anyway, before you smooth over her hair and whisper "I'm so, sorry Meredith, for all the pain that I caused you. I don't know all the times that I hurt you, but I'm sorry for all of it, and I don't ever want to hurt you over again…"

She murmurs and nuzzles her head deeper into you. You don't know if she heard that, or understood what it meant. But you just keep holding her and she keeps holding you. And eventually, she falls asleep for real, and you suppose you finally do, too.

You stay like that for a really long time. You're surprised you have no pages but then again, you saw most people leave together with their friends or partners right after the surgery. You stay awake, just to hear Meredith breathing, watching the rise and fall of her chest.

You stare at the ring again, and you pick it up from the table for a moment and run it over your fingers. You have the impulse to slide it on your own hand, but you don't, because that would be weird to do since you gave it as a gift to Grey long ago, so you just marvel at its model…

You put the ring down before long, and you wish you had your diary here to write in.

But you don't, so you just feel all your thoughts swirling and you want to write them down somehow.

You try to find a way to do this before all the emotions consume you completely...

-Addison Montgomery

Written for her personal diary. On a notepad next to Meredith Grey's chart that she writes on while Meredith is still asleep in her arms. She reaches for this because it's close and there's a pen there, a shitty hospital one that says 'welcome to Seattle Grace!' with an emoji.

She writes on this because she wants to get it off her chest. Then she tucks the paper into her chest on the inside pocket of her undershirt that she is wearing under her scrubs. She has a page for her diary 'off her chest, but close to her chest', all her feelings still tucked in close to her heart…

* * *

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***** **END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

This one is long, there was a lot of content I wanted to get down.

Thanks to all the loyal fans of this story, I hope you are happy with the frequent updates!

"Second Person" is quickly becoming one of my all-time favorite things to write.

It's really up there! And the biggest part of that experience for me has been the chats in the comments!

SO THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! To followers new and old.

You make this one possible, even more than I do, trust me.

Have a good one, enjoy this long update, it might take me a while to produce a new one.

But fear not, I shall return!

See you around. This one was a lot of work, all I ask for is to know your fav parts of it and what you liked so far about the surgery, the reading, and the Meredith waking up at the end :D.

_bobbiejelly_

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 1 subscription, 158 hits so far. 110 comments!

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 715 views.

Wattpad:

Some people, like addiesrep mostly for now... Read this all in one go and left me a note on almost every chapter and that makes me overjoyed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, new_being, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 451 reads, 72 comments, and 166 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Two new MerAdd fics are up:

####  [New Honeymoon In Hawaii](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24332758)

####  [Pillow Talk Buzzkill](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24328693)

... And there was a new chapter of this yesterday as well, with sexy MerAdd right at the end!

####  [Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515210)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_


	30. Second Person, Thirty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your mini diary piece has long since been safely tucked into your undershirt by the time you fall asleep. Meredith Grey has not woken up yet, and you lie down on the pillow beside her.  
> -Addison Montgomery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ENJOY! 
> 
> This one is long - 9721 words. 
> 
> Settle in, cannot wait to hear from you at the end!
> 
> As this is longer, it's not spell-checked as much.
> 
> Feel free to help me out and let me know any errors. 
> 
> Much love, from bobbiejelly :D

* * *

**Second Person, Thirty**

* * *

Your mini diary piece has long since been safely tucked into your undershirt by the time you fall asleep. Meredith Grey has not woken up yet, and you lie down on the pillow beside her.

She's using your belly as a pillow now, so you have hers all to yourself. The top of her head smells lovely. She once told you she uses a lavender conditioner. It's your favorite smell.

Meredith is, your favorite smell is her, that is, and not her conditioner alone, though that certainly helps make it intoxicating for you.

You half fall asleep with her in your arms because you're so damn tired after all that has happened. You're content as you're lying there half-asleep, just staying by her side because she asked you to.

You know you've been spoiled for life now; now that you've had her in your arms laying down, you'll never not feel just a little more lonely while you're at home, in bed, without her, but you still wouldn't trade this chance for anything in the world.

You're lulled even further halfway to dreamland by the sound of her lightly snoring as she nuzzles closer to you. She didn't wake up, but she stirred just a little while you were moving around to write the last things down.

Meredith is so beautiful, you've already said that at least a hundred times, but she is.

The weight of her body pressed into your makes you feel whole again. You feel complete like you've never felt ever before.

You're terrified you'll never get to do this again, once she inevitably wakes up and finally starts asking for her boyfriend, Derek.

You're just grateful she hasn't started asking for him yet, and that as her friend, that she woke up the first time from surgery, asking only for you...

%%%

You feel Meredith stirring in your arms as you fall asleep, but she doesn't wake up, she just nuzzles her head closer to your heart as she tucks herself closer into you.

You brush her hair off her face and she sighs contentedly in her sleep as you massage her temples gently the way you know that she likes it. She falls into a deeper sleep again.

You realize you must have fallen asleep because you blink your eyes open hours later as Meredith is still napping. You figure she needs all the rest she can get, as she did just undergo major surgery.

You hold her still, as you caress her sides and hold onto her waist. You don't feel bad about it this time, because she had already woken up and given you explicit permission and begged you to cuddle her.

So you do, and occasionally she snuggles in more, to you. You hear her heart beating steady beats as you realize she's probably lulled to sleep from hearing yours, judging by the way her ear is tucked into your chest.

You remember the time she was suturing a heart and it felt like she was sewing your heart back up. You now imagine that Meredith is literally cuddling her way into your heart. You like it.

You doze off again, she's still asleep. You dream happy dreams and when you wake up and try to remember, you think that Meredith was in love with you back, in those dreams.

You try to remember that those were dreams and not part of reality, but you keep thinking of your happy dreams and you doze off again to have more as you nap. You sleep very well...

%%%

This time when you wake up, though, Meredith is already awake.

"Hey, Addie, sleepyhead. Are you feeling any better, now that you've rested?" Meredith asks you, and you smile up at her softly.

"I should be asking you that, huh," you remember, and she just smiles and says she's doing great.

Meredith still has her head tucked into your chest. She's awake and mobile now, though, and she's gently stroking her fingertips up your arm to your shoulder from on her side.

She's looking up at you, now. You can feel Meredith's eyes still on you and you flick your eyes back to meet her beautiful and breathtaking big baby blues.

"I slept better than ever," Meredith clings onto you, not wanting for you to go, now that you are both awake. "I slept really well, too," you say to her. _You don't say 'and I dreamed of you'..._

"I'm cold," Meredith states to you.

"Do you want another blanket?" You offer.

"No, I just want you to snuggle me closer," Meredith says, pulling up the blankets to both of your ears and pulling your body so that you are spooning her.

"Mmph, you're strong right after surgery it's really astounding," you say, as she tucks herself right in a ball, with you giving her a bear hug from behind her.

"You're the bestest, one of my best friends, big spoon I could ask for," Meredith says to you as she sighs and says she's no longer so cold.

You think it's cute that the drugs are making her say things like 'bestest' instead of 'best'.

%%%

"Do you think I'm still high?" Meredith asks you as she runs her hands over your fingers. She's running over the spot where your ring used to be and she realizes she's not wearing it.

Meredith reaches to the nightstand and slides it right onto her finger again before cuddling into you more. You smile from behind her widely as you know this is the symbol of your friendship.

"I think you're still high, Meredith," you say because you know the drugs have not worn off yet. "Okay…" Meredith says to you, and you wonder why she is sad about that.

"Why- do you need more, are you in pain?" You ask her.

"No, it's not that. Just let me know when the drugs are fully weaned off, will ya?" Meredith asks you, and you smile and say that you will.

"You know, it's fun only because I don't hurt no more. But I don't really like being high all that much," Meredith jokes to you.

"I hate being high, myself," you tell Meredith. "I did weed once and hid in a closet for sixteen hours!" You explain to her.

"Oof, bad trip. I tried weed once in Amsterdam with my ex-girlfriend Sadie Harris. But she broke up with me, then. And I didn't like the drugs anyway," Meredith says to you.

This is the first time you've heard about any of her ex-lovers, and you find it interesting, and you don't want to hear more about her exes. But you do want to hear more about Europe.

"Tell me not about Sadie, but tell me about what it was like for you in Europe?" You ask her.

"Oh, right, well I took a gap year after my undergrad at Dartmouth, and I backpacked through a lot of countries. I dated a few people because I broke up with my ex-boyfriend the day I left for my big trip, and my mom disapproved of the whole thing and begged me to stay, but I didn't," Meredith explains this all.

"Are you glad that you went?" You ask her. You've been around Europe a bunch with your parents and your brother Archer Montgomery, but you've never taken a vacation with just a friend traveling with a backpack before.

"Of course, the only parts that sucked were Sadie leaving me, because it was an unexpected but sort of not surprising breakup, and also when I got back my mother didn't remember me," Meredith whimpers.

"I'm so sorry," you say because she's never mentioned before that this is the first time she had known that her mother had this serious Alzheimer's.

"Most people think Ellis Grey is just writing a book. But a bunch of people know this now. Especially because of the treatment they might try. But I still keep hoping she'll wake up one day," Meredith sighs.

"I hope that for you, too, I hope your mom wakes up and remembers you" you say, and Meredith smiles.

%%%

"Is there any more of that Toblerone left?" Meredith asks you eventually, as you hear her stomach growling, and also yours.

"Yeah, there's most of it, there. Feel free to grab it, it was for you, anyhow," you say.

"Okie-Dokie," Meredith says cutely, as you see her unwrapping it.

"Here, let's share it," she says, as she breaks off one of the triangles and motions for you to open your mouth up wide.

"Ahh," you say as if you were at the dentist, and Meredith tries to throw the chocolate into your mouth, and she succeeds because she's only throwing it from two inches away.

"Goal!" She says, and then she giggles because she can't decide if feeding you like this is more akin to soccer or basketball.

"How about hockey, like they play in Canada?" You offer her as a metaphor.

"I think we would need ice skates for that," Meredith giggles, and you take the bar of chocolate and break off a piece to try to throw into Meredith's mouth.

She lets you, and she gobbles it down and asks for another.

You take turns throwing the chocolate around and laughing hysterically as she says that she really likes swiss chocolate.

She says that Cristina is always talking about how she might want to own a summer home there someday, when she's rich and famous and she has a whole hospital in her name.

"Yeah, I could see her in someplace like Zurich," you say, and then she asks you if you have ever traveled there, and you say that you have when you were on a family vacation when you were in high school.

You talk about the places you've traveled to as you finish off the chocolate bar.

And then Meredith says she's cold again and she snuggles into you all over again.

%%%

You fall asleep, she falls asleep. You only know you fell asleep first because you don't remember when she dozed off this time.

Usually you do remember that moment, the moment her breathing is in perfect rhythm, the moment her muscles go loose, the moment the calm washes over her face.

Usually you savor the moment when Meredith falls asleep, so you know when you finally wake up again one of the many times today that you must have difted off first because you don't remember her, doing so.

She's not awake yet, so you close your eyes again. You drift off. She's still asleep. She's asleep when you wake up again for a few minutes and then fall back asleep.

The whole day is a haze, and this is the good part. The day turns into the afternoon turns into evening and not a care in the world. Or maybe it was night at some point? You don't really remember or care.

All you care about is how safe you feel with Meredith in your arms, and with her holding your hands, in front of her, as you can see the shiny ring on her finger as she has tucked your palm into hers.

This is not the first time you've held hands before. You've held hands sometimes when she's reached for you. Usually when she is sad. It calms her. It calms you. You've held her hand.

She's holding your hand now, you're holding her hand now. You're holding hands.

You like it, you really like it. She's said to you before even just friends hold hands. So you do.

And you don't want to stop holding hands with her. Because you like holding hands with Meredith.

%%%

Meredith is awake again this time you wake up and realize you'd fallen asleep holding her hand.

She's studying you. You can feel her studying you as she tucks your red hair behind your ears and she caresses your temples on the sides of your face.

"Mm, hello Meredith," you say softly, as you test out your voice after sleeping so long.

"Hey Addie, you know, you're pretty when you're asleep. You wouldn't know that because you're unconscious. But you are," Meredith says to you.

"I think you're still high," you say to her, but you thank her for the compliment, anyway.

"Maybe, but I would say that if I was not high, as well. I just didn't say it before, because I forgot to tell you that the time you fell asleep in my lap in the car. I was gonna say that, but we had to go work as doctors. And then I needed surgery. And then I forgot. But I was already gonna say that sober," Meredith chuckles as she finally gets all the words out.

"Thanks, Meredith. You're very pretty when you sleep, too," you say back to Meredith because you mean it, and not just because she said it to you.

%%%

Sometimes you'll compliment each other. Sometimes she'll compliment your outfit, and sometimes you'll compliment hers.

Usually that's while you're out and around before you put your hospital scrubs on at work.

You've always been careful not to be too lavish with your words though, just because you don't want to overwhelm her or give yourself away.

But this time you say that, that she's pretty when she sleeps.

Because she is, and you want her to know that, because of course, she couldn't know herself unless she saw a picture.

It still wouldn't be the same, though, without her even breathing and calm rhythm of life.

Either way, you told her that, because you needed her to hear it and believe it.

You look at her big baby blue eyes, and you can tell Meredith is trying really, really, really hard to believe you, and she's fighting back her self-doubt to let your compliment sink in.

You try to take hers to heart the same way. It works for you. Mostly. More because Meredith said it, and you like to try hard to believe her.

She snuggles you more, but neither of you falls asleep this time.

You almost wish that nothing would ever change so that you and Meredith could just cuddle for the rest of eternity...

%%%

Eventually, though, people start to come in to check on Meredith.

The first one is Miranda Bailey, who checks Meredith's stitches and her incision site.

Bailey asks how Meredith is doing, and she answers that she feels well.

You notice that Bailey doesn't ask you any questions about why you're lying in bed next to her.

Bailey just smiles and says to you both that she can bring you dinner up from the cafeteria, and you both nod at her appreciatively as she walks out the door.

You swear you almost see Bailey winking at Meredith, but you have no idea what to think of the thought.

Meredith doesn't acknowledge this to you, she just nods up at Bailey and asks her to bring some noodles and chopsticks and a drink with no bubbles and maybe some jello.

Meredith doesn't ask Bailey for chocolate, and you smile when Bailey leaves and Meredith confesses to you that she wants to save that part for you.

This is the first you've heard her say that she doesn't want chocolate brought to her by someone else.

You've had that thought for a while now, but you're only now learning at least, that that little grain of loyalty, is deeply reciprocated.

(Though you don't tell Meredith at that moment you can't eat chocolate without her, either. You just smile and nod and say you'll have to see if they have chocolate ice cream, later.)

%%%

Richard Webber comes in, next, and repeats the same exam that Bailey just did. You let him, though, both knowing it's pointless to tell the Chief of Surgery that he can't check up on his patient.

You can tell Richard looks at Meredith like she is his own daughter. You can't imagine the pain he feels for her when she is hurt.

Webber notices the books on the wall, and he says that Meredith really liked 'The Places You Will Go," as a child. You believe him, and Meredith says that he's right and she smiles as he remembers this.

Richard says to you "take good care of her, Addie," before he leaves you both alone and promises he'll stop by later, and that he might find some flowers, to liven up the atmosphere.

You don't know why he is saying this to you, you figure it's because you stayed with her after her surgery, and you were there for the operation and before that as her admitting doctor.

You remember his smile at you and his fondness for Meredith, and you think, again, that you are glad that you two are still sort of friends, or at least not anything less than old pals from your residency and research days.

Preston Burke comes in for a very short hello, and then he almost immediately leaves again.

You're not really that close with Burke, and neither is Meredith, but she says hi and thanks to him for coming, and you realize she is doing this mostly for her person Cristina's sake.

%%%

Alex Karev and Izzie Stevens waltz in with a boatload of gummies from Izzie, and rainbow tootsie rolls from Alex.

Apparently Meredith loves these, also, you just never knew that because she eats chocolate with you and eats candy with her intern friends.

This theory is further proven when Cristina Yang barges in with an entire candy bouquet, and Meredith smiles wide at the giant blue lollipop in the center.

"It matches your scrubs!" Cristina says to Meredith, and also you.

It does, the light blue color does match the resident scrubs.

But of course, you were thinking it matched the color of her baby blue eyes, yet again...

The interns stay for a while, and you're relieved when none of them act weird around you or ask you to leave.

%%%

Meredith insists that you stay even when you move to step out for a while, to give them some time alone.

Meredith just shakes her head as if to say 'now, don't be so silly! You're my friend and they are my friends we can all be friends together, for me, now!'

You remember the time you turned the interns down for dinner, and you note that they are all genuinely smiling up at you now, and asking you to stay and not go.

So you stay, and George O'Malley is the next to visit along with Callie Torres.

Those two seem to be getting along better after prom, you note, and you are happy for them.

You figure that's why Callie hasn't noticed you've been taking care of Grey, a lot, and you're a little relieved that it's because she has someone intimate to be hanging out with.

Callie brings in chips for both of you, and you smile and thank her when you see she remembered the kind you had the last time you had chips with her.

George brings in sour patch kids and some other sour chewy things. He smiles when Meredith says "it's great that you all know I like brand-name candy the most,".

And then George just replies "how could I not, I go for groceries, I even buy your tampons from time to time."

%%%

They all laugh, and Cristina explains generously to you and Callie that originally the boys felt weird about buying 'girl stuff' at the pharmacy, but since they all started living at Mer's place at one time or another, they eventually got the hang of it.

You and Callie nod, and let out a chuckle. You tell a story about how Mark and Derek had once been squeamish about buying sanitary pads in medical school, so you had to send out Naomi.

Meredith asks if Mark and Derek ever got over that. You say it before you think not to. You say "does Derek ever buy you tampons?"

And she thinks for a moment before saying she doesn't remember if Derek ever did but she remembers that Mark did one time that he saw her with a red stain on her scrubs because she forgot to check her calendar that morning.

You say you're glad that Mark was supportive, because he's still a good friend of yours. And then you say that Mark started buying you tampons, too, eventually.

You don't say whether or not Derek started buying you tampons, and Meredith never asks.

%%%

Callie says that she never had that problem because she grew up with a sister named Aria.

You say that your brother Archer Montgomery bought you tampons only one time, but it was because his friends dared him to buy tampons, and he gave them to you because he didn't have a girlfriend at the time to give them to.

George says that he would buy Callie tampons, now, too. And then he asks to stop talking about tampons with you all and everyone seems to agree with that statement.

It's unspoken- and subtle, and nobody else tells the difference, but you notice George never volunteers to buy you hypothetical tampons. You understand, though, because you're not really friends.

And you didn't get along before he started dating Callie because you were bitter that he was always staring at Meredith in the same way that you were.

(And that you still are…)

%%%

You all sit together and eat candy and chips until Miranda Bailey walks in again and tells you to stop spoiling your dinner, and then she looks at you and Meredith, pointedly, before delivering your hot noodles and motioning for you to eat those immediately.

"Suppertime, girls," she says to both of you, and then she sets both you and Meredith up with a mini table tray over the hospital bed which you are still sitting on snuggled up to Meredith with and she hands you some chopsticks.

The other interns plus Callie get jealous of your delicious dinner, so they ask Bailey where she got it from and she sends them down to the cafeteria with the instructions of exactly what kind to order.

Miranda says for you to make sure Meredith eats up so she can recover from her surgery.

And then you think Bailey's going to leave, but she says to Meredith to make sure that you eat up so you can recover from teaching and observing and double-checking in surgery.

You both promise you will, and look at Bailey with a bit of a grin.

Bailey says that Richard has a whole tray of flowers coming in, and adds, "I hope you like orchids,".

And true to her word, Richard Weber bursts in with a delivery of flowers. You've never seen this much wildlife in a patient room before, but you figure that as the Chief, he'd have the authority to plant his transplanted-daughter an entire garden in the hospital if he really wanted to.

Richard leaves to let you both finish your dinner in peace, and he says to you, but not Meredith, obviously, that he'd see if he can get you the whole night off of work.

It's probably the nicest thing he's ever done for you and Grey... And both you and Meredith understand that this is a favor that he's doing out of an old loyalty to Meredith's mother, and also out of guilt for his affair, and out of guilt for having you keep that secret for so long.

Either way, you both nod and say "thank you," because it really is a big relief that you won't get paged into work at all, soon.

%%%

It's strange, the only people you have not seen at this point are Derek and Mark. You haven't seen Mark at all since Grey got out of surgery, and you haven't seen Derek while Meredith has been awake.

Meredith doesn't seem to be bothered by this, at all.

You sort of get it, even while you were dating and married to Derek, you realize, as your best friend at the time, there were times when you'd rather be with your best friends rather than with your boyfriend and later, husband.

It's not that Derek was a bad person, or is one today. It's just that it's nice to spend time apart, and some things can be offered to you by your closest friends in a way that they're not the same when offered to you by your partner.

You're lost in thought when Meredith finishes up her noodles, and you're rolling them around on your chopsticks because they are spicy and you have to eat them slowly.

"Better eat up, or Bailey's gonna be on my case about it!" Meredith squeals as she motions for you to take more bites of your noodles.

You laugh and say it's only Bailey that can turn the patients into doctors while they're still on morphine.

You notice that Meredith realizes as you say this that she's probably still high. She contemplates this and she just says to eat up before the broth starts to cool off.

So you do, you listen to Meredith because you know that you want to, and she's right, and Bailey's right and you feel much better once you've gotten all of your soup down.

Meredith is patting you on the head as if to say 'good girl, Addie'. And you tell her that it's funny but it makes you feel like a pet cat when she does that.

She laughs and asks if you've ever had a pet cat. You say you never have and you don't know if you want to, but you're not strongly opposed to having a cat or even a dog someday, maybe.

%%%

Meredith starts to talk about the 'deciding between two people' thing again, but you stop her and say you don't want to talk about that before she's recovered from her surgery a bit more, and when she no longer needs morphine to cope with the pain.

She sighs and says okay, and then she tells you she actually remembers everything, which is funny because you said she might forget it all afterward.

You're not sure whether to be glad or terrified based on the things you said and she said, but she reassures you that nothing that happened she would change now and that it won't stop her from being your friend.

Meredith Grey says to you, again, at that moment, that as your friend she still loves you, and that she always will.

You say it back to her, and you really, really mean it and you know that she knows that.

She offers you some of the red jello, because Bailey brought a red and a green one and she tells you the green one is awful.

You don't believe her until you taste it, the green one, that is but then you scoop up some of her red jello in reaction because it really does not taste as good as the red one.

She says she used to get bribed with red jello when she was a child here, so she knows practically the whole hospital menu.

You don't know what to say to Meredith to comfort her about having grown up in this hospital than in her own house.

She says it's her Sanctuary and that she wouldn't change it for the world. She says she learned to read and color and write here, and it's where she found her passion for medicine, after all.

You can't argue with that logic, so you smile and you just say "thank you for sharing the jello ''.

%%%

Meredith finally asks you how her surgery went, and you describe it in vivid medical detail.

You tell her that Geoge did a good job, and that Bailey and Webber were great teachers.

She says she bets you were, too, and you tell her you were a bit overwhelmed and Richard had to bring you water.

Meredith says there's no shame in that, that she gets thirty in the O.R sometimes, too, and that it's okay to ask for help when you need it.

You know she's talking to you about something deeper than just water, and you thank her for all of it.

Sometimes you need to have that said to you, that it's okay to be vulnerable, too.

She gets it, Meredith gets it, and you know that she does. She doesn't always open up to everyone, but neither do you. You open up to each other, mostly. And that helps both of you.

%%%

And then Meredith asks if you had your hands on or inside of her while she was open on the O.R table.

You said that you didn't and she says that's okay. And she apologizes for being so forward with you before when she was really, really, really high.

Meredith says to you "I didn't wanna make you uncomfortable, sometimes I say inappropriate things apparently when I'm intoxicated. Even sometimes I'm a vapid narcissist when I'm drunk. Turns out that morphine is no better for me than tequila!" She sort of giggles at this, and you giggle along a bit, too.

You're not sure how to take this, because she confirmed that in fact, she was making innuendo about you (and you-and-her?) before, as you tried not to think about.

And she thinks she might have crossed a line and hurt you, so you reassure her right away that you forgive her, and that she didn't cross a line with you, and that it didn't really make you uncomfortable with her, not in a way that would affect your friendship.

Meredith smiles at this, and she looks at you intently, still.

%%%

Meredith looks at you and you wonder what she is thinking.

You realize she's probably wondering what you are thinking.

You're thinking that in a very twisted way, a part of you likes that at least it has come up in her head one time, high or not high, the idea of you two having some sort of sex.

But then, you loathe yourself for this, because you think it's awful of you to be happy at the thought that she could have a boyfriend and be picturing sex with another person, even you.

But then again, you can't really think anything of that, because it was just a thought in her head, and you've done much, much, much worse than that many times.

You've actually let Mark have sex with you while you actively thought of other people, including her, and so you decide to let Meredith off the hook for thinking about you while she is with Derek.

She's looking at you still, Meredith is looking at you and you know you have to say something more, and so, you do. First you say if she wants to have more of this conversation when not high, you say you will with her and she agrees.

You talk to her more about the actual medicine and teaching part of the surgery.

%%%

You repeat that you didn't have your hands in or on her during her surgery, because you were teaching George and he had to learn hands-on for himself.

She accepts this without any more questions, and then Meredith says that she's glad that George learned how to do an appendectomy without being '007', and you agree, even if the first time on his first surgery had been an accident.

After a long moment, Meredith finally says that she is "glad that he has never been inside me in a sexual way."

You ask why on earth she would jump to that, and then Meredith says that she had a feeling that he had had a crush on her before he met Callie, and that she was glad he never said it out loud, because she didn't know how to let him down easy.

Meredith was worried she might sleep with him in a weak moment, just because he loved her so much, that if she ever, hypothetically, had a bad breakup with Derek that she might have slept with him by mistake.

You just say 'oh' because you have a million things on your mind, now.

%%%

If she knew George had had a crush on Meredith, then, did she know or suspect that you did/do, too?

You realize you're far from subtle, probably, and that the cuddling with her might not be helping.

You also realize that she's talking about what would happen if she broke up with Derek, and you worry that something not too great is going on between them, and you're not actually happy about that though, because you don't want Meredith to get hurt from him.

You also realize that she was worried she might sleep with George just because he loves her but she doesn't love him, and you worry that she worries that she could do the same thing to you; that she could kiss you or touch you or sleep with you and not mean it.

In a weak moment, if she ever did go through a rough patch, just because you're there and she's there and you are really into you.

You resolve that you won't let that happen though. You imagine that in the weirdest circumstance that she did/had slept with George out of pity and self-loathing that it would have torn them apart for a long time, and you won't let that happen to you and Meredith, no matter what.

%%%

You realize, in giving this all so much thought, that this involves imagining you in the situation of Meredith Grey asking to sleep with you, sexually, of course.

You don't want to think of that now, here, with her, though.

So you shut that off in your mind, and you try to clear your eyes of all your angst.

She looks at you and you look up at Meredith, and you try to look somewhat 'normal' of an expression.

Meredith knows you better than that, though, she knows you're thinking about something you don't want to talk about.

So she just says "it's okay, Addie," and she lets you off the hook about whatever it is.

You pull her into a hug and say "thank you," because you don't know how she always knows just what you need from her, but she does, and you hug her even harder and even cry a little bit at the thought, yourself.

Meredith wipes off your tears with her hand as she pulls you in closer. You hold her right back.

%%%

"I was scared we would lose you, that I would lose you, you know…" You say, finally.

"Oh, Addie, I wasn't going anywhere," she pulls you in tighter and tears up a bit, herself.

"I wasn't going anywhere, I wasn't going to leave everyone, I wasn't going to leave you…" She says this in a whisper as she holds you closer and closer.

You say "thank you" again. And she nods and says "shh" and soothes your hair back for a while.

She says she understands, at least, that if you had been open on the table, that she would be all terrified the whole entire time, too.

%%%

Eventually, Mark and Derek do make an appearance.

They show up together, at the same time, and they both bring the same gift of apple cider because they know that Meredith can't have champagne.

They have little wine glasses, and they pour up a non-alcoholic 'shot' for everyone in the room.

The four of you are here, now, you and Meredith curled up in the bed and the two of them sitting close on the chairs.

You make polite conversation, because the drama still has not seemed to blow over from your whole 'baby-not-baby-drama' and you don't want Meredith to get caught in the crossfire.

Derek eventually does ask you for a moment alone with Meredith.

You silently thank Derek for not calling her 'his girlfriend' in front of you, and you notice Mark noticing this thought in you.

Mark steps out with you, and you go far away from the door so you can't hear them, and they can't hear you two.

You wonder what they are talking about, but you know you shouldn't pry.

You try to focus on Mark as he leads you to stretch because you've been lying down for hours and only sitting up for the rest of it.

Mark is a good friend still, you think.

At this moment, now, at least, he seems to be putting aside any anger he has at your for the 'pregnancy' thing.

%%%

Mark tells you that he's not quite ready to forgive you quite yet for not telling him about the baby.

He says he forgives you for the termination because that's your right and your body.

He says that's all okay, and he understands why you didn't tell him, but he says that he's still hurt by not knowing until after and that it will take him a while to be your best friend again.

You thank him, you thank Mark, for all of it.

Mark says "I'm still your friend, Red, I always will be. I just can't be your best friend again, yet, and I'm just starting to take Derek back as my best friend."

You say you're really glad he and Derek are getting along again, you say that you know that he missed him.

%%%

Mark says he missed Derek more than anything else, after what happened between the three of you.

You say you understand. You get it. That he's his person- like Meredith is to Cristina.

He says yes, that Derek will always feel like his person- and when he lost Derek he was so, so, so lost.

You understand; you tell him you never wanted to replace his best friend even when you tried to make a go at something in New York.

You tell him you forgive him for cheating on you, which you knew about, all along.

He says he forgives you for never being able to love him back or to give him sex, the way that he craved it.

You say you're glad he's finally admitting that a part of him wanted more from you, than you could give him.

He says he understands, he understands how it is. He's loved other people in his life that have not loved him back, before you, and he says that he gets it, that's all.

%%%

You realize Mark is saying this kindly about himself to give you an opening to talk about you, now.

About your unrequited feelings for Meredith Grey.

You tell him how much it's wonderful to be this close to her as her friend, that you two share so many moments together, that you love it but you wish you could have everything with her.

You tell Mark how you want Meredith to be happy beyond anything, but seeing her with someone else is hard, even if it's Derek, who you loved as a best friend, once, and sometimes you still care for him as an old friend.

He says that he gets it, and he says that he's sorry if it isn't going your way.

You say thank you to Mark because you know he doesn't have to talk about this, so nicely, with you, now that he has Derek as his best friend back, and that he has to be loyal to Derek, too.

He tells you that he's glad that you're always there for Meredith, as her friend, and that you're always respectful of her.

He says it's nice to know that Meredith will always have you in her corner, no matter what happens or doesn't with her parents, or with her uncle Richard, or with her bosses, or with her friends, or even with Derek.

You thank him for this. You tell him you're glad Derek will always have him, Mark, in his corner, too.

%%%

You don't know what to think about the last thing Mark said about 'no matter what happens with Meredith and Derek'.

This idea is coming back to you, and you realize Meredith vaguely said a similar thing, and you're really unclear about where all of this is coming from.

You wonder why Mark is doubting their relationship, but then again, you flashback to Meredith's conversation about 'choosing between two people' and you realize this could have drastic effects on their relationship if Meredith said this sort of thing to Derek, now, or before.

You don't know, and you realize you're shaking.

Mark holds you, because he knows you need something to ground you.

It's not Meredith's touch, but he is your friend and you know him well, and you accept this platonic affection from him.

He tells you it's all going to be okay, and you can still be friends no matter what, and maybe even be best friends again.

You say thank you because you know that's the biggest thing Mark Sloan can offer you right now, and that you can offer him, in return, after all.

%%%

Derek Shepherd is in Meredith Grey's room with her for what seems like hours, so you go venturing off again, taking a shower, and freshening up and changing into fresh clothes.

You check on some work stuff to make sure all is handled, before Richard sends you away and tells you you have the night off so you better use it.

Miranda Bailey smiles at you and asks how Meredith is.

You say she ate all her soup and so did you, and she says she is very glad, and that she trusted both of you to make sure you would eat, drink, and sleep.

You see Bailey walk away from you, now, and you wonder what she is thinking when she says all those things to you, and you wonder if she thinks mre of all the time you were cuddling.

She doesn't seem to have any negative preoccupations at all, though, so you take that as good.

You run into Callie and George in the cafeteria and you give them an update, they thank you.

You run into Alex and Izzie and you say about the same thing before you leave them alone together.

You run into Cristina and Burke and Meredith asks how she's doing and you go into more detail because you know Meredith is her person. She thanks you as well.

You don't see Mark around anywhere, so after all that, you head back in the direction of Meredith's room, to see how they are doing.

%%%

When you arrive near Meredith's room, you find Derek crying in Mark's arms.

You immediately think that Meredith died or something, but Derek clears that up right away as he tells you 'she's fine, Meredith is perfectly fine, she's perfectly fucking fine!"

You wonder why she's swearing about her, his own girlfriend, because that makes no sense.

But then you hear Derek cry into Mark's shoulder, and whimper, loud enough so that you can hear:

"She left me. Meredith Grey just left me. She left me, for good…"

"Oh," you realize you said that out loud and you're just staring at Mark and Derek.

And then all the puzzle pieces fit together; that's why Mark is holding his best friend, Derek, now.

Derek just got his heart, broken, and he's around to help him. He helped you, he's helping him.

You decide you really do want Mark Sloan to be a good friend to you after all, someday soon, because he sure does pull up for people when they really need him to be there.

%%%

You realize that this is probably because of the 'Meredith saying she's picking between two people', thing.

You don't ask this out loud, but you don't have to, because Derek starts whimpering out to you, and Mark, over again.

"Meredith loves me, she says that as a friend she still loves me, but that she loves someone else, too, and that she's falling for them more than me and she doesn't want to string me along…" Derek says as he whimpers again.

"Meredith just said that I didn't do anything wrong for her after the time that I lied to her about you, Addison, and our outstanding marriage on paper. But she said she never really got over that, and she tried to make it work with me but she couldn't…" Derek continues.

"She started to tell me this, right after you left her room, Addison, before her surgery. She started to say this thing about having her heart cut in two because she was emotionally a mess, and she started to break up with me, but I told her before, that she should wait until after, in case it was just the pain and appendicitis and the morphine talking…" Derek yelped.

"But then when she just talked to me just then, Meredith says that she didn't forget anything that happened while she was on painkillers, and that she meant every word, and that she's thought about it and she doesn't want to be with me anymore, that it wasn't fair to me, anyway, when she was already starting to have more and more feelings for someone else entirely…" Derek cries.

%%%

You jump in and tell him you're sorry. He says thank you before he keeps going on.

You don't know what to think about all this. Meredith just left Derek, but she loves someone else.

So it's not like you have a shot after all, but you selfishly think that at least she might want to have chocolate with you after to discuss her breakup, and then you hate yourself for thinking of how you could spend time with her just because she's in pain, because you want her to need you when she's not hurting, too.

And you hope Meredith still does, that as your friend who loves you as her friend, that she'll never stop needing you no matter how happy or sad she may ever be…

Derek starts talking again, "Meredith says she almost cheated on me, she says she was tempted and she knew it would be wrong. She says she was on the verge of having an emotional affair against me, and that she was terrified she'd be tempted to have an actual affair, so that's why she just left me. Meredith Grey finally left me…" Derek finishes that part.

Mark pipes up to explain that he was there right after it happened, that's how he knew the story already from Derek, and that's why they've been gone and talking the whole day, because Mark knew it might come to this, when Meredith woke up, and that's why he or Derek couldn't bear to be around waiting for Meredith to wake up, earlier, for long.

%%%

You realize you're selfishly relieved that they weren't only just spending time with each other bonding over how much they hated you for the 'baby' thing. That it was them talking about their futures, especially Derek's future that he didn't know before now he'd be losing with Meredith.

Mark reads your mind or something, as he tells you that they were almost only talking about Derek's love problems, not yours, and not anything to do with the whole 'baby' thing. You say you're glad, and you tell Mark you're glad that he was there for Derek, and also vice versa.

You ask them what is going to happen, now. Mark says he's going to be there for Derek as long as he needs him as his best friend, and you nod and say that is great. Derek says that he's going to take a break before dating again. You tell him that's great and you are happy for him.

Derek then says to you, and also to Mark, who already knows this, that "Meredith left me, Derek Shepherd, to try, with this other person she loves. She says she loves HER as a friend. That's how she came out to me. Which is okay, I'm glad she did, and then she said she loved HER as maybe more, and now she wants to tell HER her feelings. She says she wants more, with HER."

%%%

You don't dare hope it could be you, right away, even though you do fit the profile in every way. He tells him he's okay with Meredith being _bi,_ he's just crushed about his breakup, he accepts the LBGT thing for all that it's worth. You say you understand, because you know he really did try with her, even though he did fuck up about lying about you.

You don't want to dream too hard, and you want to support Meredith no matter who this other woman- Even if the thought of her having another female best friend that she loves and wants to date makes you want to throw inanimate objects at walls until they shatter into a million pieces.

You don't move, you don't blink, you just stand there until you finally look up and tell Derek "thank you" for telling the truth. Then you look at Mark, who winks at you over Derek's shoulder to tell you that he genuinely thinks that it's YOU. He thinks that it's you who Derek is quoting about. That it's you she has feelings for. That it's you she left him for. That it's been you for a while.

You let it sink in a bit, as you try to understand it all. 

It's really you and not him, who Meredith loves most,

It could really be you, who Meredith loves as more than just her very, very, very close friend, after all…

%%%

You want to run to try to find her, right away, but you decide that first, you want to note this in your diary. Meredith will tell you when she is ready, and you want to give her space after she just left your ex-husband and her now ex-boyfriend. You need to give her time to heal herself more.

You want to savor this moment, because now is the possibility of time where it could yet be real... Or when it could be all just an illusion, but you try not to think of that. You trust Mark's wink!

You write some of your diary entry, this time, on an old chart of Meredith's because it was in your hand still at the time and you're too shaky with excitement to climb up over the shelf to reach your diary right away.

You'll paste it into your diary later along with the entry you wrote on the notepad that you still have in your chest pocket. Or maybe your scrapbook for her. You're not sure which, yet. But that's not the point at all, if it's all for Meredith, who might just love you back?

You head to your office but she's not there, either. You realize that's a stupid thought to think because she's in a patient room, where you had also been almost the entire day. And so you page her to let her know that you'll come to join her after you finish what you are doing, AKA while you write in your diary.

You can't wait to tell Grey the good news, but you want to write it all down before you forget. You paste in all the other stuff from the note close to your chest to the chart and all the errant pieces lying around.

Because you want to write everything and anything you can remember of this damn moment. Because today is the day that could be the beginning of everything…

You're glad, at least, that Mark and Derek seem to have reconciled, even if you pulled them apart only for an end of an era for you and Mark and a breakup with Grey for Derek to have brought them back together again. You're also relieved Derek is super cool with Gay people...

You cannot contain your excitement, and you hope with everything that you have, that Mark wasn't wrong when he winked at you over your Meredith's now ex-boyfriend's shoulder.

For the first time ever, since you met her at Seattle Grace, you let yourself be hopeful about fully loving Meredith Grey as more than just your very, very, very, close friend.

Maybe now that she's finally single and you're single and you are both openly queer…. Maybe now, together, you will still always be great friends… But apparently Meredith might be really willing to try with you. You could try. You could maybe ever, for each other, finally, be more…?!

-Addison Montgomery

Written as a hodgepodge of papers literally, physically, carbon copied and pasted in her personal diary. Some of it is in beautiful cursive, some of it is written in a shitty hospital pen, still. But the last part that was written in Addison's office is still written with Addison's favorite pen, her token, her lifeline, and her personal gift and keepsake, from her one true love, Meredith Grey.

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***** **END OF CHAPTER THIRTY**

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_Author's Note:_

Congratulations, audience. You've made it with me to 30 Chapters!

Hope you liked this Chapter. I have been working on it _all day_ , that's why it took so long.

It's an important one, so I wanted it to be tweaked to be just right and it's also the longest one.

See you round in the comments. Let me know what you think about the 'revelations'.

Did you like all of this plotline? Let me know if you did! Mer is single now!

Meredith left Derek. Meredith loves somebody who is her very close friend.

Mark thinks that it's Addison. Addison thinks it really might be her...

What the hell will happen next? What do you want to see happen next!!!???

(I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS NEXT I AM SO TIRED RIGHT NOW BUT ALSO EXCITED!)

-Also LordOfLezzies mentioned about them feeding chocolate to each other so I wrote that in, here. TY.

-Also AddisonAddek probably influenced me understanding some of this Mark/Addie/Derek dynamic because you're amazing.

Have a great one, best wishes,

 _bobbiejelly_.

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

##### ChrissyBrown1127 for the bookmark!!!

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 1 subscription, 188 hits so far. 6 Kudos. 110 comments! 2 Bookmarks!

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 782 views.

Wattpad:

Some people, like addiesrep and new_being, mostly for now... Read this all in one go and left me a note on almost every chapter and that makes me overjoyed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1. Hoeshiii_ is working their way through this!

danielaperezsurga, new_being, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 530 reads, 84 comments, and 201 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Two new MerAdd fics are up:

####  [A Better Speech - A Better Lover](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24357550)

####  [Meredith gets her Mojo Back - And so does Addison!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23008183)

... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:

####  [Falling Apart, Barely Breathing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [Soothe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [Out Of The Dark](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU AGAIN!
> 
> Hope to chat with you in the comments.
> 
> This one is very special to me :D


	31. Second Person, Thirty-One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're trembling with anticipation as you walk towards Meredith Grey's room. You know that she broke up with Derek Shepherd. You know that she's single now. You know that she's falling for someone she loves as a friend, who is female. And you know from Mark Sloan's wink that it just might be you…
> 
> -Addison Montgomery
> 
> In her personal diary.

* * *

**Second Person, Thirty-One**

* * *

You're trembling with anticipation as you walk towards Meredith Grey's room. You know that she broke up with Derek Shepherd. You know that she's single now. You know that she's falling for someone she loves as a friend, who is female. And you know from Mark Sloan's wink that it just might be _you_ …

You leave your office, the very office where you nursed Meredith while she was sick, and you made her soup and gave her Gatorade, where you administered a banana bag IV or two into her arm, where you curled up on the couch when she was in the most pain.

You turn the corner. You're still on the first floor. You don't see Mark or Derek in either of their offices. No one bothers you, because you're not working after all, and you've already given all of your friends the updates.

This walk is only for you.

You walk up the stairwell instead of taking the elevator. You take this path because you remember this is the first place Meredith laid her head on your shoulder.

%%%

You pass the washroom where you and Meredith almost shared a kiss, maybe? Before you were interrupted.

You walk down the paths that you and Meredith often took to leave Seattle Grace when you'd both had enough for the moment. You walk by and remember how you always walked quickly to escape the hospital grounds, but you always walked slowly as you returned back to work.

You pass the gift shop where you've bought chocolate together countless times. You stop by and you buy two ice cream sandwiches with fudge pieces in them. You've never tried them before and you know they were the next thing Meredith wanted to have after her stomach finally settled.

You approach Meredith's room. You know the location by heart, as well as the room number, as well as the familiarity it offers; you've been here for hours, earlier today, after all.

The door is shut and you peer in the tiny, tiny, tiny window square that you need to reach up on tiptoes to reach, even in your high heels.

You see that Meredith is in fact alone, and awake, and also smiling.

You open the door slowly.

You walk in and pause at the doorway.

"Hey," you say. And Meredith Grey looks up at you and says a simple"hey," to you back.

%%%

"Are you feeling up for a bit of company?" You offer in case she wants to spend another minute alone.

"Of course, Addie," Meredith smiles widely, using your nickname, and gesturing for you to come in.

You want to ask her, point-blank, ' _is it me, Meredith, is it me you are falling for? Is it me that you want to try to have a relationship with…?'_ , but you don't.

Instead, you walk in and you hold up the ice-cream sandwiches for Meredith, and she grins up at you, and she says "that's so sweet of you to remember!".

"Of course, Mer," you use her nickname too, as you head into the room and hand her the chocolate dessert.

"Are you going to stay for a while?" She asks you, and you realize from her tone that she wants your company for a while.

"Yeah, I think so," you say shyly, not knowing exactly what to say.

You feel like you're in middle school and you're crushing on the most popular girl (yeah, that happened to you. You didn't know you were gay then, but you realized this later…)

(It also happened to you in high school, but you try to forget that, sometimes…)

"Please?" Meredith asks you.

You realize from her smile that she really does want you to stay longer.

So you do.

%%%

"Are you gonna come to sit with me? Meredith is motioning for you to join you on the bed.

You know you were cuddling the whole day, but now it feels different because she's not dating your own ex-husband.

And you're flustered again, just like that, as she grins up at you and then furrows her brow at your hesitation.

"Relax, Addison, I'm not going to jump you the minute you sit down next to me just because I just dumped my boyfriend who was also your ex-husband once, even though I do admit the thought did cross my mind once or twice as I left him, you are the very definition of sexy, after all..." Meredith grins up at you.

You realize she must have sobered up at least a little, because her sentences are longer and she's not slurring her words near as much.

"Okay," you say, still a bit tentative because she did lace her promises with a bit of flirtation.

"Oh, come on, Addie. I pinky swear I won't be inappropriate on you if you come and snuggle. I just want you to come to help me be warm," Meredith pats the spot next to you that she's made in the bed.

"Okay, just because I believe heated blankets are hazardous as an alternative," you say as you move to sit down next to her.

You sit down, and she cuddles into you right away.

"Are you going to get cold if we eat frozen ice cream Mer?" you ask, realizing you called her 'Mer' and that she still likes it because she smiled as you said it to her.

"Not with you here, of course, Addie, you always keep me from being too cold..."

%%%

The ice creams are good. (REALLY GOOD!)

You decide together that these two are sure to be a favorite.

You usually always try some new kind of chocolate every time you go out (for chocolate!), but sometimes you go back on your favorites if you're really craving them.

This one is bound to be one you'll buy over again.

"It even has fudge pieces!" Meredith exclaims as she tastes the sweet ice cream with all the little brownie in it.

"Sure does," you eat your own, and you can't help but moan at the taste.

You think you see something flicker in Meredith's eyes after this happens, but you're not sure, either. And you don't ask about it.

"Do you still have the night off?" Meredith asks you and you say yes.

"I think this is the only time I'm gonna say 'thank god the Chief banged my mother', because now he feels all guilty and he brings flowers and he even brings me _you_." Meredith chirps happily.

You notice she's much less in pain than before, because her spirits are up and she's happily eating without taking tiny bites of the food.

You focus a little on the emphasis that Meredith put on the 'you' of that last sentence.

You wrap all of those sweet nothings that Meredith may or may not be saying to you as 'flirtations' and you imagine as if Meredith was wrapping them all up with a little bow, just for you, as a present.

%%%

You don't ask about her breakup while you're still eating ice cream.

She doesn't ask how Derek took it while she's still eating ice cream.

You don't talk about serious stuff while you're having your chocolate.

You both still follow the traditions of 'going to get chocolate together' even though Meredith can't leave the room.

It's still the same pattern, the same soothing routine, and the same important friendship.

And you still love it just as much as you always did.

Only now you can't stop but stare more at how the creamy treat is gracing her lips, and how she lets out little sighs when she finds a brownie piece.

You're staring at her. She catches you staring a few times. You blush and look away.

You see her stealing a few glances, too. Or at least you think that you do.

She stares for a second longer than you do, and then Meredith blushes profusely.

You really, really, _really_ , like it.

%%%

You know you have to talk though, and Meredith seems to know this as well, so you're savoring every last possible piece of the ice cream sandwiches.

You're licking the last few licks of ice cream off your lips as Meredith sucks the chocolate off the edges of the wrapper.

You offer her yours, because she seems to like that so much and she makes a show of licking her tongue out onto the plastic and dragging it slowly over every part of it before sucking it into her mouth and moaning.

You swear that it got a thousand degrees warmer in here, even with all the ice cream.

You also feel a familiar warmth in your core in particular, and you try to fight it but it's getting even more difficult to do so.

Meredith smirks a bit at your blushing, and she jokes that you look like you're getting a fever as she places her hand on your forehead.

You say you're warm, and she just laughs and says 'actually, I think you're hot', with a smirk.

And then you're sure you're starting to feel feverish for real, because Meredith Grey's innuendos are driving you absolutely insane.

%%%

"Are you ready to talk about it?" You offer, in the same tone that you've offered in every way before when you know the chocolate part is over and you have to talk seriously, now.

"Are you?" Meredith offers back, and you take a deep breath before you answer her "yeah,".

You know this is the moment where Meredith is going to either tell you you're her 'one' that she's left Derek for, or she's going to try to let you down easy.

You know she's going to tell you, either way, you are one of her very, very, very, best friends, after all…

And you know she still wants to be that, and that she still wants to do the 'chocolate' thing.

You blurt out "you know that as your friend, that I still love you, and that as your friend, I still will love you like that all the same, no matter what you or I are about to say, right?" You offer.

You know it's a bit manipulative of you, perhaps, to make such declarations when you know everything might be about to change you.

But Meredith doesn't seem to take it that way, she reaches out for your hand and shows you her/your ring and brushes over it, as if to ease all your insecurities.

"As your friend, I still love you, and I still will love you, like that, no matter what you or I am about to say, right back at you," she promises, and you realize that Meredith is clenching your hand a bit, as if she's just as terrified about losing you as you are of losing her.

"We'll be okay, Meredith, we'll be okay," you offer her.

"We'll be okay, Addison, we'll be okay," she offers you back.

You can't help but pull her into a hug as she starts to tear up a bit.

She tries to start talking a few times, with a few false starts, as Meredith sobs a bit into your shoulder until you offer her water, and she drinks it, and she finally looks up at you again.

%%%

You see Meredith looks up at you with her big baby blue eyes.

"Do you want me to talk first, or do you want to?" You ask her.

"Can you tell me how Derek took it?" She asks you, and you take a breath as you start to give her your answer.

"He said he was cool about the LGBT thing, which was a relief. He has no problems with you being bi, he said that he was just crushed about the breakup," you offer.

"Was he with Mark when he said this?" She asks you.

"Yeah, Derek was with Mark, Mark was good to him," you offer, and Meredith looks glad.

"It's good, I think. Mark is good for him. I don't want him to be all alone when he's sad," Meredith offers, and you mirror back that you're equally relieved and happy for Mark and Derek.

%%%

"Did he say why I broke up with him?" Meredith finally asks you.

"Yeah, he did," you say, and Meredith nods at you.

"He told you, didn't he," Meredith asks you.

"Mostly," you say noncommittally to Meredith.

"Mostly?" She asks you.

"I'd rather hear that part from you, as you want to say it, rather than him secondhand," you offer her.

You want Meredith to be able to say what she wants without her having to explain why she said certain things, or explain if Derek got it all wrong when he said it.

"Okay," Meredith says to you.

"Okay," you say back to her with a bit of a nervous smile.

%%%

"So here's the thing," Meredith begins, and you can see her posture starting to tense as she begins.

You don't stop her this time; you know she needs to talk and you're pretty sure it's not the drugs talking by now.

"I left Derek because I started to have feelings for someone else," Meredith begins.

You nod, and you ask her if this is why she was telling you she was 'picking between two people'.

"Yeah, that's why. That's why I asked you about Derek, but I promise what you said didn't make up my mind for me, I actually just wanted to know why you picked him," Meredith clarifies to you.

You're relieved that she didn't decide because of anything you hadn't meant to say in that capacity.

%%%

Meredith continues to speak with you now, on this train of thought, as you listen intently, hanging onto every single word.

"So I left my boyfriend because I started falling for someone. I started falling for my friend. Not Cristina, of course. But another one of my very best friends…" Meredith keeps going.

You're glad that it's not Cristina, because that would be a bit strange… (And it also wouldn't be _you_ …)

"And I was getting really close to this person," Meredith continues.

"I was getting so close and they were always around comforting me, and I shared all my problems with them, and I couldn't do that with Derek. He just couldn't relate in the same way and empathize…" Meredith sighs loudly.

You've never heard this part. Maybe Derek has never heard this part, you realize. It's possible that Meredith didn't explain to Derek how she could relate to a friend about her problems more than with him.

"And then, I realized I wanted to hang out with this friend more than with Derek. I'd rather spend time with them and with him, and I would always think of them when I was really happy or scared or needed someone to talk to. And I knew this was becoming a problem…" Meredith continues.

You put an arm around her to comfort her, because you know this is really hard for her to say.

%%%

"And then I realized I was on the verge of having an emotional affair against him," Meredith explains.

"It's not the same as how I'm close with Cristina, or the other interns, or even sort of friends with Callie and Mark. I was close with this person like I wanted them to know everything about me, and I didn't trust Derek with everything about me anymore, and I knew that I was never going to get that back with him," Meredith tucks herself into you more.

"Are you good to keep talking?" You ask her, letting her know she can take a break or stop if she needs to.

"That's okay, thanks for asking. You always ask me what I need, Addison," Meredith says to you.

"As do you," you smile at Meredith, and she offers you a smile in return.

"See, if this person needed me I would tell him I'd meet him later, no matter what. I was already sort of picking them and choosing them over my boyfriend. And I know people do that for their best friends, but it was every single time, and I knew I wasn't doing right by him," Meredith regrets a little.

"I'm sorry you felt that way," you offer, and she says she's not perfect by any means but she's trying to make better choices.

You nod and you say you understand the concept and you find it admirable.\, as Meredith keeps explaining.

%%%

"And then, I almost cheated on Derek with this person," Meredith keeps moving on with her explanation.

You start to grow hot again, because you knew this part from Derek said, but now that Meredith is confirming it… You want it to be you because you'd hate any other person who fits that description…

You know, somehow, instinctively that you're about to find out, for real, this time.

Now is the start of something that will change your life either way.

You pray to God that Meredith will be in your life still, as you both promised each other, no matter what…

"By that, I almost really cheated on Derek, in a physical way, in a kissing way," Meredith stammers a bit because she's starting to sob.

And then she cries more and then she holds onto you and you hold her back.

%%%

And then Meredith Grey looks you right in the eye for this next part.

She looks up to you with her big baby blues.

Meredith Grey never stops looking at you.

%%%

"It's a woman, by the way. The person is a girl that I'm falling for," Meredith clarifies, and you swallow hard and take a big gulp of air.

You nod at her to continue, as you clench your fists a bit into a ball behind your back in nervous anticipation.

"I almost kissed her in a bathroom. And then we didn't because we talked about it and we both didn't want to. And then we still hung out all the time, and then I was going to end it with Derek but I wasn't sure and I was always so sick and I didn't know why," Meredith sobs even harder.

"You didn't almost kiss me because you were feeling pain, right?" You blurt out, and you realize that this may or may not be related to the conversation but Meredith answers you anyway.

"No, that part was only for you," Meredith offers, "The not kissing you part was also only for you, if that makes sense at all," Meredith says to you.

"Yeah, I do understand. It makes sense to me," you say, and Meredith nods at you, and you nod at her to continue.

%%%

"You know, I left Derek for one of my very, very, very, best friends, who I was falling for, who I'm still falling for, every second of every hour of every day," Meredith says and you completely empathize with the sentiment.

You nod as she says the next part really quickly, and you have to lean in, to listen.

"I'm falling for her right now, and with every piece of chocolate we share together, I know I'm just going to start falling in love with her, for real, and I'm terrified that if she doesn't feel the same way that being 'just friends' might not be enough for me, anymore, because I'll always want more!" Meredith finally blurts out. And then she yelps and starts bawling right into your arms.

"Hey, hey, hey, it's going to be okay, Mer," you coo as she keeps bawling harder.

"As I already said, as your friend, I already loved you, and I love you that way, and I still will always love you like that…" Meredith begins as Addison says these words back to her, too.

"As I already said, as your friend, I already loved you, and I love you that way, and I still will always love you like that…"

"But here's the thing, Addison…" Meredith clears her throat as she looks at you.

You feel as though she's staring right into your soul.

%%%

"Before, I would run away from the hospital to escape all my problems. But then I realized I wasn't running away from the world after a certain point…" Meredith begins agains.

You nod because you understand and relate to the feeling.

"I was running towards something, someone, my very, very, very, close friend. _I was running towards you_ , because I loved you, as my friend, but I started loving you as more than that, and there was nothing I could ever do to stop it, and I never wanted to, I just wanted to love you, and this time in the 'everything' way" Meredith finally concludes.

"Oh, Meredith," you say as you pull her close in your arms, and you try to say you're falling for her, back, that way, but she just keeps on going again.

"I think I'm falling in love with you, I was already falling in love with you while I was with Derek, and I couldn't do that to him. So I left him and now I'm alone, or, single, rather, and I am falling for you- Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery, or who I like to call Addie, it's only you, it's only you, it's really YOU" Meredith explains with a shout.

You nod vigorously, and you begin to smile widely now, wider than ever before, because you realize there's no doubt or ambiguity about who Meredith is falling for.

"It was you all along, since you got here, since I stopped hating you, since we started hanging out and talking and running away to escape together…:

You finally let it start to sink in that it's really YOU! Meredith really wants YOU! She's falling for YOU!

%%%

"I know I want to be your friend either way, Addie, I really do. I want to support you and be there for you no matter who you see or who you're with, but I said all these words and speeches and things today to you…" Meredith goes on again before you can get a word in edgewise.

"And I want to say that I'll be there if you date some other girl, but I think the jealousy might kill me, but even so I'll be there, but not without a fight. So if you're stil picking between me and somebody or a million somebody else's, then I'm throwing my hat in the ring for you, and you can take it or leave it, but I'm there all the way," Meredith says.

You start to say something but Meredith cuts you off with a question.

"I'm asking if you want to try to be more than friends with me. We can still be friends, very, very, very, close friends. But we can also do more, if you want, like go on dates, and I can get to kiss you, and I can hold you and snuggle you and cuddle you as much as you want!" Meredith almost shouts.

You start to nod but she keeps ranting on and on.

%%%

"We can go for chocolate anytime, we can go on mini road-trips, we can hang out at my house or wherever you live, we can still keep all our other friends and just be all friends together, and we don't have to talk about out same ex-Derek at all if we don't wanna…" Meredith offers.

You keep nodding and Meredith just keeps on talking.

"And if you want you can maybe meet my mom, Ellis Grey, sometimes, though you might already have, I don't know, but you can, if you want to, sometimes it's hard for me to be there alone. And I don't really have a dad he left when I was five but his name is Thatcher Grey if you ever do meet him, I don't know why that you would… And you already know Richard Webber, and he's my I-don't-know-what-sort-of-daddy… Well, you know. But he likes you, and so that's not an issue…" Meredith keeps rambling now.

"And we can go as slow as you want, or fast, or I don't know what you like but-" Meredith rants but at this point, you slow her down and ask her to take a break, and you press a hand to her lips to say "shhh,".

"I have more stuff to say, Addie" Meredith pouts a bit, you think it's very adorable.

"Yeah, and I wanna hear the stuff you have to say, Mer, but I got stuff to say, too, to you," you say tenderly.

"Oh, right. I'm doing the 'vapid narcissist thing again', Meredith says sheepishly.

"I think you're talking a whole lot about _me_ , then to call yourself a 'vapid narcissist', at all," you giggle a bit, and she giggles back with you.

%%%

"I just want to say, before you say more, that I'm willing to try to be 'more', with you, and not just because you're here and you're asking me, and that you're a girl and I'm a girl. I really do want to try with you, in particular, the 'dating a woman', thing," you finally say to Meredith.

The glow on her face as you say this could outshine every single damn city in the whole entire world.

"Really?" Meredith asks you.

"Really!" You say enthusiastically.

"Is it just because I offered to kiss you?" Meredith sort of deadpans.

"Not at all, that was just you being a really wonderful friend. There are hundreds of millions of reasons why I want to date you, in specific, Meredith Grey," you say to her.

"Do I get to hear all of the reasons?" Meredith asks you with a really big teasing smile.

"Yeah, I'll tell you at least a lot of the reasons, I might forget some of them because I'm too busy hanging out with you telling you them," you say to Meredith.

"Do I get a few, now? Because I just went all 'pick me, choose me, love me,' speech on you, so I think I could maybe use a few compliments from the McHot leggy and fabulous redhead that you are, Addison," Meredith asks you sweetly.

"Okay, here we go!" You start to begin.

%%%

"When I met you in the lobby of Seattle Grace Hospital, I was looking between you and my husband at the time, but all I could stare at was you," you start to say.

You realize this is coming out easier than you might have expected.

It's still just like sharing anything with Meredith, with your very, very, very, close friend, all along.

"And I thought I should hate you, but I couldn't bring myself to…" You finally answer, and Meredith nods at you in understanding.

"And then when we both laughed when Derek stubbed his toe, I just wanted to see the way your eyes crinkled again," you remind her, and she does the eye-crinkling smile all over again.

"And then when you leaned on me when your dog died, I just was so sad for you, and I was so happy you were even talking to me, and that you were touching me, even just like that, and you stopped me from falling in the stairwell…" You say.

"That was just luck, I could have easily missed and you could have fallen," Meredith jokes and you laugh with her.

She's stopped crying now, you notice. Once you said you have feelings for her, back, for real she stopped crying.

You're glad you can do that for her.

%%%

"And then I was so jealous when I saw you with Derek, even though I had no right to be, I was, but I tried not to be, and I wanted you to be happy, even with Derek," you say.

"That's really big of you," Meredith says at that. "Thanks, Meredith," you reply right back.

"And then you started sharing your whole depth with me, emotionally, and I started opening up to you like I never really opened up to anyone. And you 'got' me, and I seemed to 'get' you. And you were the most consistent person in my whole life and I lived for those moments with you," you explain.

"Me too," Meredith says back. "Me too," you reciprocate again, and then you laugh because you said that part twice.

"And I just wanted to spend as much time as I could with you, but I didn't want to hurt you, so even though I wanted to kiss you, I didn't let you becuse I didn't want it not to be real, and I didn't want it to be an affair against Derek," you finally squeak out.

"Yeah, you deserve better than that, with me, you deserve all of me, if we're going to try," Meredith finally says to you.

"And you deserve better than being a person you don't want to be, and that I don't want to be, anymore," you finally say to her, as Meredith agrees.

"You know, I just watch you sleep, and cuddle with you, and it's so beautiful.." You finally say.

"Wow, we're practically writing a whole novel right now, I just hope I remember it all and never forget it," Meredith says to you as you pull her tight to your chest, and she can hear your heart beating, and you can also hear hers.

%%%

"You know, I have an idea, I have something to show you," you say.

You page Mark Sloan to come to Meredith's room.

You do this because you don't want to leave Meredith now, not even for a second, to go get something.

He shows up, you whisper into his ear what you want. He smiles at you.

You wink back at Mark to let him know he was right all along, about who Meredith wants to try with, now…

When Mark Sloan comes back with your diary and scrapbook and pink pen from Meredith Grey, you thank him, and he wishes good luck to both of you.

And you say "take care of Derek, for us, please, and just, just don't hurt him, again," and he promises that he will take care of Derek, as his own person and very, very, very, best friend.

And he waves goodbye for now, and you wave back at him.

You're alone now, just the two of you, and your diary.

And you open it up to show Meredith all the ways you remember all the times you spent falling in love with her.

You start with entry number one...

%%%

_You're 'in love' again. Meredith Grey is the second person you've ever truly fallen in love with. And you're sure you're the second to last person Mer would ever fall in love with, back. The other one being your own ex-dirty mister, Mark Sloan, of course. Because that would just be way too cliché to be healthy. But it doesn't matter. Because she's still with your ex-husband, Derek Shepherd, anyway. (You realize, at 39, you're maybe, probably, definitely, way too old for all this...)._ _But you just can't seem to ever stop..._

_-Addison Montgomery_

%%%

You pore through the pages together.

Sometimes you read them to Meredith, and sometimes she reads them trying to say your voice, and sometimes you read quietly together, while thumbing over the receipts and the business cards with your thumbs.

Sometimes you cry a little at the sad parts, or she does.

She tells you that the sex at prom with Derek wasn't as good as it probably sounded like it was.

Then she tells you to "never tell that to Derk, or Mark, or anyone, ever," and you swear that you won't.

She finally understands about your relationship with Mark Sloan once she reads the part about you having sex with him, thinking of her, and also the whole 'lesbian dirty talk' thing.

You tried to take the book out of her hands before she saw that part, but she just ended up reading it anyway, and saying that she'd like to see you get all 'hot and bothered' like that.

Meredith reads everything, even the parts you wrote the past few times on an old notepad and the ones jotted down on old medical charts.

Meredith finally confesses about the time she was talking to Mark about 'adultery' was because she was asking what having an affair with you was like, and you blush because you never thought about it that way, before…

%%%

You're very tired once you get to the end of it all.

You get through it mostly in one sitting, and you're exhilarated but still overwhelmed.

You don't know what to say, now, so you wait for Meredith to say something.

And all she says is "how about we just be us for a while, and we just agree not to date other people, for now. And we can hang out and figure out all the rest about dating, later?"

And you think it's the perfect solution, because you're not sure how to do this, and she's done this before, and now you feel like you're drowning, but in a good way, like drowning in happiness, in that sort of way.

And Meredith asks you if you can cuddle her to sleep again.

And you say that you will. You bring Meredith's back to your front so that you're the big spoon.

%%%

You say to her "thank you, for loving me, the way that you do," and she says it right back to you, as she holds your hand and tucks you under the covers.

You stay like that until morning.

And just as you start to wake up, you think you can hear her singing a song, just for you.

Your eyes haven't opened, and you haven't moved yet.

But you're just barely conscious when you start to feel a soft kiss being pressed into your hand.

You know that it's Meredith, it still feels and smells, and just is, exactly like her.

And you can start to hear her say to you, barely over a whisper, as if she's almost sure that you're still asleep…

%%%

" _Along with Cristina, you're my best friend, Addie. I never want that to change. And I want more with you, too. I don't think you're too old at 39 to be falling in love. I just hope that you don't think that at 26 that I'm way too young for you. I thought I was the second-to-last person you'd ever fall in love with, I actually thought you might end up settling with Mark Sloan. I'm 'in love' again. You, Addison Montgomery are the second person I've ever truly fallen in love with…._ _And I just can't seem to ever stop…"_

\- Meredith Grey, as she writes this as a note to you, in your own diary, as you wake up to find it the next morning before breakfast.

%%%

You're waiting for Meredith to wake up for you now.

Bailey has brought by eggs and toast, and you're cuddling Meredith to your chest because you've rolled over and she's got her head on your heartbeat again and you really like it.

You realize you have not told her the part about the 'suturing a heart' yet, but you decide you'll say this to her later today, or sometime.

You've got all the time in the world to get chocolate, together, now, after all.

Bailey smiles up at you and gives _you_ a wink.

You smile back at her. She looks incredibly smug as if she's read through you both all along.

You go with it, she's Miranda Bailey, after all, and she's on both of your sides.

You reach for your diary, and Meredith's gift to you, the salmon-colored pen.

You write down everything that happened since the moment you walked out of your office to find her.

%%%

You have so many milestones ahead of you, you know.

You still have to come out to most everyone else.

You still have to actually date Meredith and hopefully not screw it up.

You have to figure out how to work together, and how to work with everyone else.

You still have to kiss a girl for the very first time, and of course, you really think that it's finally going to actually be, your now-hopefully-lover, Meredith Grey.

And you still have to experience all the joys of being in a relationship and beyond with her.

You have the whole rest of eternity to figure that out, now, you hope.

' _Oh, the places you'll go…' You look at that book on the shelf and you see why Meredith likes it so much. 'Oh, the places WE could go, Meredith and I, with our chocolate, of course', you imagine…_

You plan your next road trips with Meredith as you look through a map of Seattle and make some stars and x's that you hope to chat about with her soon.

You write fast now, because she might be starting to snore less loudly, so you think that she might be waking up.

Waking up, in your arms, for the very first time, as you're very, very, very, close friend… And also, already, so very much _more._

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. With a drawing of a heart at the end of it. That has "A.M hearts M.G" in the middle of the heart on the page. It represents the heart she was holding in that surgery she was suturing up, and how she was suturing your heart into one piece, from when it was shattered in two.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Whew! So MerAdd is going to have a shot at it!

Yes, we have finally arrived at the most major milestone so far.

At the beginning I wasn't sure if I was going to have the love be reciprocated.

But I have a sucker for happy endings, and after all the angst, I like fluff :D :D :D :D :D

There could be, more story, more to come maybe? probably shorter Chapters?

Let me know what you think in the comments, please!

(Was this too fast? 31 Chapters for a slow-burn?)

(Or are you happy with it? No idea! LOL...

Have a good one and take care!

_bobbiejelly._

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3 

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

##### ChrissyBrown1127 for the bookmark!!!

Zele, ChrissyBrown1127, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 2 subscriptions. 2 Bookmarks. 10 Kudos. 112 Comments. 220 Hits so far!

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 933 views.

Wattpad:

Some people, like addiesrep and new_being, mostly for now... Read this all in one go and left me a note on almost every chapter and that makes me overjoyed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1. Hoeshiii_ is working their way through this!

danielaperezsurga, new_being, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 565 Reads. 89 comments. 209 Stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Three new MerAdd fics are up, recently:

####  [Delicious](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24378622)

####  [A Better Speech - A Better Lover](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24357550)

####  [Meredith gets her Mojo Back - And so does Addison!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23008183)

... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:

####  [Falling Apart, Barely Breathing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [Soothe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [Out Of The Dark](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

**_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_ **


	32. Second Person, Thirty-Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don't know where you're going. All you know is that you're with her; you're with Meredith Grey for at least the whole entire day. And you're on a first date with her... And you're driving somewhere far away on the freeway. You know that this is the occasion she was saving your first kiss together for… And you don't know where you're going, because it's a surprise…! :D.
> 
> -Addison Montgomery
> 
> In her personal diary.

_Disclaimer:_

As usual, please do not take any medical advice from this, ever. (Not that you would, but still...)

I googled "recovery from getting your appendix out" and read like, 3 lines from WebM.D. for this.

Not something you want to learn from after your own or your pal's operation. TY for reading!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Second Person, Thirty-Two**

* * *

_You don't know where you're going. All you know is that you're with her; you're with Meredith Grey for at least the whole entire day. And you're on a first date with her... And you're driving somewhere far away on the freeway. You know that this is the occasion she was saving your first kiss together for… And you don't know where you're going, because it's a surprise…! :D._

%%%

It's been a month since her surgery, and since then you have not left her side in the slightest.

Over the past several weeks...

You stayed over in bed with her in her room every night. They brought you a cot to sleep on, but you never used it for sleeping, because you want to sleep spooned in with Meredith. It's useful still for you, though only to hang out and sit on sometimes as you write in your diary, still.

%%%

Sometime during the first days after Meredith's surgery...

You're surprised that when you finally do 'come out' to Derek Shepherd that he's not as surprised as you might have expected.

He said he's lived with you for over a decade, and he's noticed you looking over his shoulder at women even before Meredith, he's just never mentioned it to you before now.

You ask if he hates you for it. He says he doesn't at all, and he's still getting over the cheating thing with Mark, and the whole 'baby-no-baby-lying' thing, and the whole 'my girlfriend/ex-mistress left me for my ex-wife,' thing...

But that someday he might be willing to be just friends with you and Meredith sometime once he's healed in the future.

You wish him good luck with the dating thing.

He wishes you and Meredith the very same.

%%%

When you come out to the rest of the hospital staff, the Interns make you a rainbow out of gummy bears, and the Attendings get you a mug that says... 'Hey, I'm totally Gay!" for your coffee and tea.

You're really glad that they're supportive about this, and they just say that it's long past the era that that's something to judge you for.

All the interns made a giant card out of a Bristol board at some point. Apparently it was Izzie Stevens' idea because she really likes glitter glue.

Cristina Yang kept Meredith informed of every single surgery everyone was performing, and this kept Bailey happy because she quizzed Meredith to keep her up on her residency, and she aced it every time (you promised Bailey you wouldn't ever help her cheat - only learn from you!).

Alex Karev and George O'Malley frequently brought in buffalo wings or mini pizza pops, and you all would sit around and eat them together. Callie Torres is still dating George and you're pretty sure Alex is dating Izzie but they're too proud to admit that to anyone, just yet.

%%%

Preston Burke is being a bit of a jerk to Cristina Yang, so you stick up for her because Meredith wants you to, and he listens to you, mostly, because you are a fellow attending. They're still 'going steady'.

After Meredith's pregnancy scare you insert an IUD for Cristina so she has an extremely low risk of pregnancy.

At one point all the doctors had to get tested for STD's, and Burke didn't want the shame of doing that originally, but you insisted tested her and Cristina anyway, because you knew it was the right thing to do, and you encouraged Cristina to insist on using condoms with her boyfriend even if he didn't always want to.

Luckily, it seems to be working because she never got accidentally pregnant from him, ever again, at least not until now, thank goodness.

%%%

Richard Webber comes in from time to time to give her updates on her mother, Ellis Grey. He goes to visit her because Meredith can't, and she's glad because she knows her mother still loves him, even though he still has a wife, Adele Webber.

You wonder how Adele feels about all this, but you don't ever ask her, even the time she comes in to check on Meredith, herself, because she found out about her operation through the grapevine or something like that.

%%%

The only people you don't see so often are Mark Sloan and Derek Shepherd. Not that that's really surprising given you both each just left them both… For good… (In no particular order…)

You both see Mark more than Derek because he promised you both that he'd still be your friend even if he is Derek's _person._

Every time Mark walks in he says "how are my ex-favorite dirty mistresses doing?" and you both say "better than you because we both have each other as girlfriends!" And he jokes about 'having a threesome' and you shoot him down because you are only a lesbian, now.

Not that Meredith is interested in the threesome concept, either, because each time Mark brings it up, Meredith tucks herself into you posessively and says that she really does not like to share.

You're extremely glad.

%%%

After the first week, Meredith is allowed to go outside in a wheelchair and you venture around the hospital pushing her as fast as Bailey and Richard would let you go with her.

She screams "wheeeeeeeeeee!" As if she is on a roller coaster and you feel like you're flying through space and time.

You still go to the gift shop for chocolate, and you're probably the biggest supporters of their business, because they've started to give you both a 'member's discount' which you're not sure is really a 'thing'.

You take it, though, and the storekeepers' orders in extra fudge-piece ice-cream-sandwiches because they know they're still your favorite.

You have these outside the hospital in the little park nearby, and Meredith says how much she likes to see the sunshine again. You say that the fresh air sure is nice without clouds over the top which is rare for Seattle... But then she says she's talking about the "sunshine you get in your eyes just for her".

You don't stop blushing for an entire _hour._

%%%

After week two she can walk a little for short distances and she can ride along in the car with you if you don't go far.

Usually you take the old trip out to the RiteAid, and the staff there wonder what's been keeping you away for so long.

You're not sure if you're flattered or embarrassed that every single store that sells some form of chocolate recognizes you both (and recognizes you now 'as an item'!) but you always leave a tip so they keep calling you by your first names because you really do both enjoy that.

You still never explicitly tell anyone about your chocolate excursion tradition, because that's part of the fun.

You do, by contrast, tell other people that you are 'seeing each other as more than just friends' and that neither of you is 'at all single to date or screw other people,' though that one makes you laugh because Meredith is hardly in a state of physical recovery to have any sex, now.

And you're not quite ready to jump that far in too fast, either, anyhow.

%%%

You have the instinct to try not to picture sleeping with her sexually every time you go out together, but you can tell Meredith is thinking the same thing, also, especially when she whispers dirty secrets right into your ear…

However, you realize you don't have to feel guilty about having these fantasies, anymore, and she tells you as such.

Meredith starts telling you all the things that she'd like to do with your bodies together, and she teases you a bit when you're alone together, and she smirks widest when she can tell that you're stuttering because you're so flustered.

Eventually, you get up the courage to start sharing some of your own dirty thoughts about her, into her ear.

Meredith loves this, and you're always rewarded with a warm hand running up your thigh (still over your clothes!) and it feels amazing already.

%%%

You still have not kissed yet, because you're saving that for when she's discharged from the hospital, upon her request.

Meredith says she doesn't want her first kiss with you to be in Seattle Grace where she literally practically grew up as a child.

She says she'll kiss you at work after that, just that she has this grand plan to make your first kiss with a girl magical, and so you go with it, and you stick to the teasing.

%%%

After the third week she can drive herself for a short distance, as long as she's with someone who can take over, and most often, that's you, of course.

She drives you both to the farmer's market that you went to before with her.

This time you try as many of the things that you can that you circled after the first time you were there with her.

You take a picture of the little map you kept in your diary because you don't want the original to blow away in the wind.

You end up with an overflowing basket of whipped cream chocolate waffles, deep-fried Mars Bars (you find these too rich but Meredith likes them), and triple-chocolate cupcakes which end up being your favorite out of the bunch.

You head to the market when you're in the mood for something homemade, and eventually Izzie catches on to your penchant for baked goods and bakes you a batch of chocolate muffins "for taking such good care of her", and you are truly touched by the gesture.

%%%

After four weeks you know it could be any day now when Meredith can go home from the hospital.

Meredith is growing more and more restless, and she pouts when Bailey says "maybe tomorrow, Grey," when her test results come back.

You comfort her the best you can with snuggles, and she nuzzles herself right into your neck.

You can tell that her sex drive is starting to ramp back up because she starts letting her hands wander higher onto your hip and her fantasy whispers are becoming more and more elaborate.

You're not sure how you're going to be able to withstand Meredith's full-on libido after this is all over, because already you find yourself sticky from arousal after Meredith describes her latest sex dreams.

(You have a few of those about her, yourself, but you're still too shy to describe lesbian sex in that vivid detail, to anyone, even with Meredith.)

%%%

Today is different though, you feel it, you know it.

You and Meredith can pretty much tell that this is the day that she's going home because it's not only Bailey who is here for rounds, but the entire surgical staff of Seattle Grace Hospital.

It's the Chief, Richard Webber, who finally says it.

He says to Meredith "you're ready, now, Meredith. Congratulations, dear," and you have to hold her in your arms tighter because she starts to literally jump for joy in the bed and she still has to take it easy with the acrobatics for a little while.

You help her pack out, including all of the books that go back to the Nicu, the cot that goes back into storage, and the plants that are donated to the oncology garden (as it turns out, there _is_ a hospital garden, and you learn this when you ask the chief where to put the extra petunias.)

You drive her to her house, and she proudly shows it all off to you.

You see her room for the first time, and you look at all the pictures on the wall.

You like that she's happy in them, and you say this and she promises she can't wait to pin up lots and lots of photos of just the two of you on her bulletin board.

%%%

You don't know whether to go or stay right away, and you realize you don't have the perfect reason to a sleepover with her every evening anymore.

Meredith can tell you look crestfallen about this, and asks you to keep staying with her anyway, and she promises that "my bed is even and better and plusher than the one in the hospital".

You're far from being officially 'moved in, together, as a couple', but you certainly do spend a lot of time at the Grey-Everyone household.

You've become an accepted member of the "interns plus Callie crew" who all move in and out of this full house seemingly day to day and at will.

It helps that you can actually cook, and you often take over dinner duty along with Callie (because Meredith is not allowed to lift heavy objects, still), and she teaches you her heirloom recipe for chicken piccata.

Meredith still hangs out with you in the kitchen, though, until Callie sends her off for a shower while you're doing the chopping part because she's scared that her constant touching you on your shoulders and arms is going to result in a knife slipping.

%%%

You see her packing the car one day once she's cleared to move more than 20 pounds at a time, and you ask her if she wants a hand but she says she wants to do this herself so she can build up her strength again.

So you stay in close vicinity and pick out music for a new shared playlist/mixtape. This is one of many because you're always making these twenty-song lists together where you each add ten songs at a time.

As it turns out she has a collection of Dr. Seuss books in hardcover, or rather, Richard Webber does and he gives them to you one day in a box, saying that they used to be for when he read bedtimes stories to Meredith when Thatcher Grey was out of town and Ellis Grey invited him over to spend the nights there.

You don't ask more questions about that arrangement, you just say "thank-you" and you read them with Meredith every night after that.

She always likes it when you do the voices for "The Cat In The Hat" the most.

You put "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" at the end of the pile because you're still a bit embarrassed about how you and Derek read that to Meredith _together_ , and you don't want to explain to her, yet, about how Derek once called her "the fish with the tiny car" in case she gets offended at that part.

So anyway, she's packing the car as if for a longer excursion, and you ask what she has in mind, and all she says is that she asked another favor from Richard Webber to give you the whole day off tomorrow and that you should dress in layers just in case…

%%%

When the morning comes and you're frying up eggs for Meredith (and everyone who currently lives with you, which is most of the interns at any given time, plus probably Callie), you're reaching for the milk to make omelets when you see Meredith sneak out to the car to pack more things into it.

You want to follow her, but you don't want breakfast to burn, and you also hypothesize she might be planning something for you she doesn't want you to know about, quite yet, until later.

Everyone eats the eggs with their own preferred toppings, and apparently omelets are a big hit.

Cristina likes green onion, Izzie likes tomatoes. George likes ham, Alex likes extra bacon. Callie eats hers with taco spice and you make Meredith's with a bit of everything in it. You like your omelet classic with just the cheese on top.

You serve everyone's plates and call them all to dinner, and when Meredith spies your plate she says it's perfect for you because she is 'cheesy for her'.

You smile at her and snuggle up at the table and everyone mock rolls their eyes up in protest and says "oh my god how are you two not banging yet!"

You laugh and you explain that you're "taking it slowly" and they say that you're worse than a rom-com, but in real life, and the gay version.

Everyone heads to work after that and Meredith says that you love that you're so mushy with her with all your coupley-things, even if you're both still technically celibate-yet-together.

You take it all as a major compliment, because you're happy together with Meredith, after all.

%%%

You're alone in the house now, and you're extremely excited.

Meredith checks to see if you have everything that you need for your 'mini-vacation'.

You do, apparently, so you pack yourselves into the car and she drives you out of Seattle.

You say you can drive any time that she needs you to, and she offers for you to drive home or if she gets tired, but that she wants to drive now because she loves the way you lick your lips looking at her with her eyes on the road that she sees when she looks over at you at the red lights.

_You don't know where you're going. All you know is that you're with her; you're with Meredith Grey for at least the whole entire day. And you're on a first date with her... And you're driving somewhere far away on the freeway. You know that this is the occasion she was saving your first kiss together for… And you don't know where you're going, because it's a surprise…! :D._

You're far out from Seattle, you know that for sure. You took an exit somewhere but you can't remember if it was north, south, east, or west.

You don't care at all, you have the music from your playlist on, and the air conditioning up on 'blast'.

You're jamming out to your favorite songs and singing together at the top of your lungs.

You stop a few times for a break from the driving, and every time you snuggle up in the backseat for a little while before you get back in the passenger's seat and she gets back in the driver's seat.

You can tell she wants to cuddle into you, even while driving, but you take her hand off of your hip and/or shoulder, saying that as much as you love the contact, you don't want to get in an accident on your first date together, ever, and Meredith reluctantly agrees because she knows you are right, after all.

%%%

You realize you're going to be boarding a boat (a ferry-boat, as Derek might have said had he been here, you both think simultaneously and then you laugh about this), as you realize more about where you are going.

You're in the lineup for Whidbey Island, now, and you and Meredith are parked in your space until they call all the cars to drive onto the boat.

You're more tempted than ever to start kissing or something, but you both agreed to save that for the end of the date, so instead, you're spooning each other in the backseat of Meredith's car without touching your lips together.

This time you're the little spoon, and Meredith is running her fingers down your arm and shoulder and it's sending shivers right down your spine.

You can feel her whole front pressed into your back, and your imagination is spinning out of control, and you know Meredith's is, too, because she's whispering sweet nothings into your ear again and you're trying not to moan obscenely at the _extremely X-Rated things she is saying to you._

It's getting impossibly steamy in the car, now, even just from the 'mostly platonic' snuggling going on, and all this dirty talk, so you crack open the windows and feel the salt breeze coming through.

%%%

You luckily do not fall asleep in her arms, because Meredith has fallen asleep nuzzling behind you, and you have just enough time to wake her up and sit her up next to you before the ferry attendant comes by to inspect your vehicle before you board the ferry.

She looks at you sheepishly, and you say it's great that she's resting because she's recovering, but you didn't want to give the transport staff the idea they were walking in on her fucking you from behind.

Of course, that only provokes her to raise her eyebrows at you, asking if you would like that, and she takes your incoherent stammering at her question as a 'hell yes, for sure, sometime!'.

Pretty soon you've buckled in again and she's turning the ignition key. You park in the underbelly of the ferry in your assigned spot, and you pick up your return ticket from the attendant.

There's no fuss about payment because there are two trips; two ways to treat each other, for this part, at least.

You lock up the car and close the windows again, and you hold hands as you venture up to the top deck to feel the wind off your face.

You love the ocean, she loves the ocean, you stare into the view and she leans her head on your shoulder and you pull her in close and plant a kiss on the top of her head as she smiles up at you.

%%%

You tell her that if you hadn't gifted her your old wedding ring from Derek that you probably would have thrown it into the ocean out of spite or something.

Meredith tells you she's glad that you didn't, because she now loves wearing your ring, and she doesn't think about what it used to mean about Derek at all, because it became a symbol of your friendship, and now she likes to pretend she's already engaged to you.

You're so flustered at this that you don't know what to say at all.

She promises you she's not planning to propose anytime soon, nor hoping that you will in real life, she just wanted to tell you that that's what this ring means to her now.

You tell Meredith that her pink pen means the same thing to you, and always has, and she smiles and promises she'll buy you a new salmon-colored-pen from her secret mystery location the minute yours runs out of pink ink.

%%%

She asks you if you remember the conversation where she said she used to think about throwing herself in the ocean sometimes in the bathtub, and you get very sad when you say that you do.

Meredith then reassures you that she thinks about that less and less every day and that it's not just because she 'needs you' in her life; it's because in leaving her old life with Derek behind, she's come to better respect herself and her self-worth enough to feel like she doesn't think about those dark thoughts very often at all.

You cry as she says this, and you say that you realize you've started to forgive yourself from your own past mistakes and that you wake up with a spring in your step instead of dread, now that you're out of your marriage you tried in, and now that you're out, and now that you're seriously trying to date someone you love back in the way that you truly are.

You realize that you don't hate Derek at all, on the contrary; both of your time with him has taught you a lot about life, and that's just a part of it, and you wish him and Mark the best with the rest of their lives, and you've said as much before to each of them, many times.

Meredith asks you offhand if you think Mark and Derek could ever be actually ' _into each other someday'_ , and you realize you'd never actually given it any serious thought before.

You say you have no idea, but that going on a double-date with them if they, hypothetically, started dating _each other_ , would be the most hysterically awkward yet funny and actually maybe good outcome that you could ever ask for…

( _You wonder a bit about your ex-boys being gay, but you decide that either way, you're happy for them if they are both happy if they end up together as more than friends just as you and Meredith did, well, that's just par for the course…)_

And then you stop thinking and talking about boys because you remind Meredith you want to spend your time talking about "ONE SPECIAL GIRL IN SPECIFIC, MEREDITH GREY!" and she says that she wants to "LEARN ALL ABOUT ADDISON MONTGOMERY!"

And you're yelling because the warm wind nips at your face, with just the slightest refreshing coolness in the breeze, as you look over the land creeping closer toward you as you get closer to your next destination.

%%%

Driving on the island is much less busy than in town, and you enjoy the scenery as you doze off a little, now that Meredith has already rested and she's over easy terrain anyway.

You wake up when she starts rubbing your back to "wake up, sleepyhead," as she places a light kiss on your forehead and tells you that you have arrived.

You didn't know what to expect at all, from today, and you're far beyond pleased with just the ferry boat ride.

As soon as you take ten steps outside the parking lot though, you realize why you've come here, and you pull Meredith into a beautiful hug.

%%%

The sign reads "Whidby Island Chocolate Factory & Artisanal Shop," and Meredith pulls out two tickets from her purse for two tours of the factory in approximately fifty minutes from now.

You use the extra time to freshen up and get a quick bite to eat at a local diner, before presenting yourselves for your factory guides.

As it turns out, there are only two of you for your tour section (it wasn't booked that way, but the other participants apparently had a time conflict and rescheduled for later), so you got to go at your own pace and ask all the questions you wanted.

The beginning is a museum, and the ending is a glimpse into the live refinery. The whole chocolate process is explained, from the cultivation of the cocoa beans to the refining process, to the conversion into the raw ingredients for chocolate.

Next are the blending and the cooking and the melting of chocolate with any desired additions. The ways that chocolate can be 'milk' or 'dark' or 'semisweet' are all explained clearly.

And at the very end, there are even free samples of many varieties. Since there are only two of you, you get to share one of each kind, and you take turns taking the first bite or the second bite.

When they ask if you mind sharing, you say it's perfectly fine, and they seem to understand when they see you holding hands.

They give you your privacy, and you savor every bite. Neither of you says it, but you figure from the darkening look in Meredith's eyes that she's thinking something close to what you are thinking.

That is, that sharing chocolate is no big risk for you both because you are planning to kiss the hell out of each other, later, anyway, (and you just cannot wait!)

%%%

When the tour is completely over (after you've given back the empty plate of chocolate samples and they smile at your enthusiastic comparison of all the kinds…), you browse the gift shop together.

You want to pick out a few that are the most different from the ones you might find in town, so you end up with chili-flavored chocolate, chocolate-covered sweet potato chips, and fair-trade-and-organic hot chocolate mix.

You also pick out a few gifts for your friends and family.

Meredith picks out a box of chocolates for her mother, and one 'extra for family', though she doesn't anticipate her father Thatcher Grey materializing anytime soon, she says she wants to be prepared 'just in case'.

You pick out some to send to your mother Bizzy Forbes and 'The Captain' Montgomery and Archer Montgomery, your brother, as well as Susan Grant, your childhood nanny. You also pick out some for Naomi Bennett, your best friend who still lives in LA, and her husband Sam Bennett.

You pick out a bar of chocolate, each, for Derek (you want to play nice so you get him milk chocolate), Mark, Burke, Bailey, Richard Webber, Cristina, Izzie, Alex, George and Callie. You decided you'll give this all to them at the hospital tomorrow, to thank them all for giving you extra time off.

%%%

With all of your new stock in hand, you head on to a nearby cafe for supper. You eat outside because the weather is lovely and you each share half an entree because you both cannot decide between two options.

You order a chocolate cheesecake to share as if you haven't already been eating chocolate all day.

You can hear Meredith moaning out at the taste of it, and you nearly drop your fork three times on the floor from her playing footsie with you under the table. You escape from this tempting situation as soon as the bill comes and drive off again.

You head off to the coastline to see the shore as you wait for the ferryboat to pick you up again. You have another hour to kill before you have to line your vehicle up, so you head right down to the beach.

You take off your shoes and put them in the car before you head on barefoot right near the ocean and feel the crisp grains massaging your toes.

You dip your feet in the ocean, Meredith squeals a bit in the cold. You hold her closer and she clings onto you until she starts shivering too much from the exposure.

You back up a bit from the waves and you take selfies facing the ocean view. You tried to take some on the ferry, earlier, but they were all blurry because you were moving too fast.

%%%

You both feel like you are testing each other, or, testing yourselves, rather, to see who will cave first.

You're pretty sure it's going to be you to insist on talking about kissing first because the way Meredith's hands are caressing the back of your neck as you wait for the ferry in the returning line, this time, is making you weak at the knees.

You feel fluttery and light, and you feel almost invincible.

You've never had a better day than today so far, and you've never wanted to spend so much time with someone like this, ever before.

Meredith eventually brings the subject up first, though. She says very bluntly to you, "Can we please talk about kissing, as long as you want to talk about it still, now?"

You smile and your eyes brighten up, and so do hers, astoundingly.

You feel hot and flustered again, and this time you can see so is she, and she's not hiding it from you at all.

%%%

"I really do want to kiss you, this time, if you're ready for that," Meredith offers.

"As long as you don't have a secret relationship I don't know about, I would be delighted to kiss you tonight," you offer back to her.

"Hey, I'm not the one who had a secret husband," Meredith teases.

"Well, I'm not the one who subsequently dated said secret husband," you quip back.

You laugh, this is now enough in your past that you can joke about it with each other.

You start to talk seriously, though, because you want this to happen the right way, this time.

"The last time I almost kissed you," Meredith begins, "I'm really glad that we didn't, now, because I already had started to have feelings for you, and it wouldn't have been right to use the moment as an experiment, to see who I really wanted," Meredith offers.

"The last time I almost kissed you," you begin to say in return, "I'm really glad that we didn't know, because I had feelings for you but I wasn't out about who I was, and I didn't want to make you into a cheater with me," you offer to Meredith.

"Also I don't have any secret partners, now, Addie" Meredith promises.

"Good, neither do I, Mer," you promise back.

You start to lean into each other, but you're interrupted again, and this time by the ferry attendant who is telling you to board onto the boat again.

You nod at the worker, and the moment they walk away, you lean into Meredith's ear and husk "to be continued…" Seductively, and this time it's Meredith's turn to blush widely.

%%%

You hold hands walking onto the ferryboat again, and this time you don't let go of each other, at all.

You head to the back corner, admiring the view of Whitby island disappearing from your view as you head back towards Seattle.

"This was a beautiful first date idea, Meredith," you share because you realize you have not said that out loud, yet, to her.

"Oh, thanks, I've been secretly planning it for a month," Meredith gushes, and you melt at how long Meredith has wanted to treat you like this.

"Thank you," you say to her.

"Thank you, for being here," Meredith says to you back.

You watch the waves, you watch the people go by.

You watch as people mostly just nod at you and smile as you hold hands.

You realize that no one seems to make a big deal about you being gay, after all, and Meredith being bisexual.

She asks you at some point if you mind that she is bi and not 'fully gay', and you say that it's not really different to you, that as long as you're faithful to her, and that she is in return, that as long as she's 'gay for you', you don't care what she defines herself as.

Meredith says that that's a very accepting thing for you to say. You say she's a very easy person to be accepting, with, because she is so accepting.

%%%

At a certain point you notice that there's hardly anyone around because there must be a whale or something to see at the front of the boat.

You ask Meredith if you want to go see whatever it is, and you say, finally, "how about we just enjoy this moment, just us, alone together," and she wholeheartedly agrees.

You watch as Whitby island turns into a smaller and smaller dot in the distance. You watch the crests of waves over the ocean. You watch the sun fade from blue into sunset.

And then you watch each other, and then you stare into each other's eyes. And there's a moment again, just like the last two times you nearly kissed each other.

But this time, unlike the last times, you're almost 100% sure that this time is for real.

"I really want to kiss you right now, Meredith Grey," you say to her, now.

"I really want to kiss you right now, Addison Montgomery," she mirrors back to you.

She's nodding at you, so you lean in closer and closer…

%%%

This time there are no interruptions.

There are no kids, no workers, no one around to be seen.

You place your hands on Meredith's waist and she places her hands around your neck.

You feel down to rest your palms on her hips and she brushes a hair off of your face.

"Are you ready?" You ask her, first.

"Absolutely, if you're ready, I certainly am," Meredith smiles up at you.

You press your foreheads together.

You can hear the waves soothing around you.

You can sense the salt air and you can see the colors in the sky all around you.

If you could paint a picture and recreate this moment you might be tempted to;

But you know you won't. Because the moment you look into her eyes for the last time you close them…

The moment you look into her big baby blues, you realize that this is the moment you want only you and Meredith to be able to replay in your memories over and over and over...

%%%

You lean in more, she leans in more.

Eventually she whispers, "whenever you're ready, press your lips, onto mine…"

You do, right away, you press your lips to Meredith Greys.

%%%

It's all that you've been dreaming of but so, so, so, much more.

You're kissing a girl, but it's not only a girl.

You're kissing your friend, but it's not just any very, very, very, close friend.

You're kissing Meredith, but she's not only your friend anymore, but you also are more to each other, and you're finally dating each other.

When you kiss her you're sealing your first official outing together, a road trip, to a chocolate factory.

As you kiss her you feel her sigh contentedly, and you sigh contentedly, and you enjoy being so close to each other, much more than ever before.

The moment is life-changing; but at the same time it isn't; because it feels like you've been practicing doing this all alone, except without the kissing.

All the excursions and outings and escapes. All the silent words passed to each other over shoulders. All the chocolate bars and ice creams and even puddings have been all about this, they've all been about the two of you as if they were all leading up until now.

%%%

Meredith tastes like chocolate, and so do you.

It makes you giggle a bit and Meredith giggles back at you.

"You know, it's funny, of course, we taste like cheesecake," Meredith laughs.

You can still feel the dessert on each other's lips.

And more and more, as you kiss her, you can taste _just her_.

And it is just as sweet and delightful (she says you taste sweet and delightful, also, later).

%%%

You kiss each other slowly and softly as you watch the sun tucked under the earth.

Your view changes from blue sky to sunset to the stars of the world.

You think you see a shooting star, and you pull away just for a second to ask Meredith if she'd seen it.

She says that she hadn't, Meredith says that she was only focused on _you._

As you melt even more at this, you both look up and see another shooting star.

You both wish upon it, and despite the 'bad juju' you hope it never causes, you both, Meredith Grey and Addison Forbes Montgomery, share with each other that you realize that you had both wished for the very same thing-

You wished that you could make moments like this with each other last, make this last for as long as you both possibly can- _as if you could make this first kiss with each other go on forever_ , and you hope that you never, ever, ever, have to stop (loving each other, with all of your hearts).

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. Along with Meredith Grey, who is illustrating all the words in the margins. It's becoming a sort of cartoon, or manga, or comic book? Either way, it has the words written by Addison and the pictures drawn by Meredith, as you both write down your happy memories together. And you're still holding hands. And you're still falling in love with each other. And you're still kissing with each other, every spare moment, with every chance that possibly can.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

So I wanted to write another fluff-fest for them.

Yes, they had their first kiss!!!

Yes, they went to a chocolate factory.

Yes, they went on a road trip.

This could be the end, or there could be more, have not decided for sure...

(Let me know in the comments if you want another chapter, I'm on the fence about it...

But I'm half-tempted to write one or maybe two more...

Especially if you have any requests!!!)

See you round in the reviews,

Have an exceptional day!

Yours, truly,

_bobbiejelly_

_And of course, onto the dedications:_

Ao3:

Thanks, LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! (also, because you're super).

Thanks, AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, and also on every chapter so far...

Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words, and Dragoncatcher123 for commenting on Chapter 31, and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

##### Thanks to ChrissyBrown1127 and KarasCupOfTea for the bookmarks!!!

Thanks to Zele, ChrissyBrown1127, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work!

2 subscriptions. 2 Bookmarks. 10 Kudos. 112 Comments. 251 Hits so far!

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 1012 views! (WOW, over a thousand, omg!)

Wattpad:

Some people, like addiesrep and new_being, mostly for now... Read this all in one go and left me a note on almost every chapter and that makes me overjoyed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05 and more comments!!!

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1. Hoeshiii_ is working their way through this!

danielaperezsurga, Unicornbaby78, outlawqueenpercabeth,

myfairlilymunster, AddisonAddek, new_being, naylorholby, JordynMarie05, addiesrep, for the votes,

And probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks.

And to those who added this to your reading lists!!!

586 Reads. 91 comments. 215 Stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. Three new MerAdd fics are up, recently:

####  [Delicious](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24378622)

####  [A Better Speech - A Better Lover](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24357550)

####  [Meredith gets her Mojo Back - And so does Addison!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23008183)

... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:

####  [Falling Apart, Barely Breathing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [Soothe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [Out Of The Dark](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

**_[bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)_ **

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Falling Apart, Barely Breathing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480) by [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)
  * [Soothe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004) by [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)
  * [Cinnamon](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24201019) by [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)




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